Listening to Sounds of Blackness and drinking my green smoothie while typing this. I know & feel that I have some explaining to do. I'm in a very somber place while writing this because I'm not proud of the promises I broke, period but especially 2 weeks in. Like really Mia? I keep saying that to myself. Coming into this all I had was excuses, feeling horrible for not posting since September 29th because of laziness, guilt from gluttony, simply not caring, being manipulative thinking after so long who would notice? Who would care? Trying to ride off more excuses like "this is what happens when I don't take my Adderall" as if self-control can be bottled up into a pill. However, as much as I know about passing the buck, I know about the consequences from lack of compassion much more and to beat myself up is setting myself up to repeat this vicious cycle. Lack of compassion for self is what keeps me in bondage. Not feeling worthy enough to do right by me & honor my word forces my actions to follow suit, so how do I counteract this? By finding the lesson in this and applying it. This weekend I was knocked off the little bit of pedestal I had left. Even though I started blogging again to bring accountability back into my life, going into this a piece of me really felt like for the most part I had this eating thing & healthy lifestyle changes all together. When I would post, I would speak from a place of telling not discovering. I tried to hide the fact that even though I made great progress over the past 2 years the truth is for the past year I have seriously been stagnant and old habits returned and by fear of embarrassment I've been able to maintain being 160 but because I lacked authenticity in those changes I have not been able to see it all the way to the end. Goals I should have reached by now, the person I should be by now I'm not because I've gotten comfortable in the fight and now I'm just cruising along. This naked truth sucks honestly but it must be told because I very well have the potential to be exactly where I want to be by December 31, 2012. Not just on the scale but within my mind. But what I've learned about the word potential is that until I prove it, put some works behind it, its just a subtle way of saying what I haven't accomplished yet. This blog will not be filled with shoulda coulda wouldas but with day by day consistency, faith, truth, guts, tears, sweat... WORK. Which is why I renamed this blog. (idowerk) The spirit of createdandbecoming still abides but I've known for a while now that I lack discipline. I have faith to move a mountain but if ever needed to climb that thing I would be high and dry. Discipline is what God is working within me, staying the course when it's so easy not to. That's the kind of soldier I want to be.
There's no huge promise at the end of this post, I'm not assuring a 180 turn around in the morning. I can only take it one day at a time and hope you all do more than join me for the ride but invest in getting me to the finish line with you, and vice versa.
