𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓
ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ ↝ Taehyung was painfully aware of the truth; life was never free. Every decision he made had a consequence, and it seemed clear what price he would have to pay if someone got to know about the true character of his and Jungkook's relationship. However, he had come this far and there was no turning back or throwing it away. Sadly, he wasn't too brave either.
↝ Taehyung's and Jungkook's relationship right under the nose of obviousness.
ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢꜱ ↝ taekook, idol⥏ taehyung x idol⥏ jungkook ↝ idol⥏ taehyung x original male character ↝ straight namjoon ↝ namjin, idol⥏ namjoon x idol⥏ seokjin ↝ idol⥏ seokjin x original male character
ʀᴀᴛɪɴɢ ⥏ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ ↝ mature 18+ ↝ angst, homophobia, explicit sexual content, self-realisation
ᴛᴀɢꜱ ⥏ ɢᴇɴʀᴇ ↝ secret relationship, slow-burn, awkward first times, awkward romance, complicated friendships, taehyung forgets he should play a detective, ↝ idolsAU, BTS 2016
ꜱᴏᴜɴᴅᴛʀᴀᴄᴋ
ʜɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ɴɪɢʜᴛ
ᴊᴀɴᴜᴀʀʏ 2016
Taehyung wasn't sure for how long he was eyeing the opposite wall while his hands, raised in front of his face, were marking the abstract shadows on the white paint spread in multiple layers over the imperfections under it. As the last rays shone in through the setting sun, the paint appeared to glow in shades of orange and red. He opened up his palm, stretching his fingers so wide that the dry skin around his knuckles, red from the cold, harsh weather, threatened to break, and closed them right away, watching how the thin string of a spider web drew patterns on the back of his hand, reaching past his sleeve and ending in the bending where his forearm met his elbow.
If Taehyung had to list the pros and cons, how strictly professional had Namjoon named them, about their new place with the same set of doors and the colour of their sofa matching the kitchen counters, he would copy Hoseok’s enthusiasm seeping through his big bold letters on the plain paper and drag his pen above the faint lines, writing the word ‘bigger’ right at the begging of the first column. But as soon as everyone would nod, peeking in between his fingers, and looked away, too busy with their own lists and minds, he would place the sharp tip of his pen until the ink wouldn’t leak through, and write, ‘but I liked the small cosy more’.
Taehyung took a deep breath in, filling his nose with the smell of novelty coming from the plastic bags stuck with an easy-to-tear tape to the furniture pilling behind the door of his shared room with Namjoon and reached out his hand even more, until the sleeve of his pyjama top wasn’t brushing over his wrist, showing off his favourite bracelets. If he did the same while surrounded by the paper boxes instead of shelves and cabinets, and pillows instead of chairs, in his old room with two bunk beds, the tips of his fingers would brush past the wood planks over Jimin’s old bed and if he stretched out his legs, snapping the bubbles in his knees, his toes would touch the blankets hanging off the mattress. Taehyung felt an indescribable feeling jerking his legs and arms while he was counting the distance between his and Namjoon’s empty bed.
"At least fifteen Mario figures," thought Taehyung as he ran his eyes over the red shine of the hat the plastic man in blue overall was wearing, while kissing the floor, lying by the leg of the wardrobe that was rattling every time someone in the apartment above decided to run instead of walking. He had never thought the distance of furniture could make him feel so lonely.
The unexpected knock cleared the wrinkle of concentration pulling Taehyung’s eyebrows together in a frown and he turned his head, squinting at the gleam dusting of the night under the gap of his closed door. He let his hand fall, hitting his side before bouncing on the mattress. Taehyung grasped the bed sheets, scratching at the soft fabric with his nails, as if they could send strength to his tired muscles and sighed when his bare soles came into contact with the coldness of the floor.
Another soft knock resonated through the room, pulling a huff out of Taehyung’s mouth before a quiet, but loud enough, travelling on the waves of streaming air, “Hyung?” fell on his ears.
Taehyung was standing at the other side of the wood, blinking at the shadow pushing from the hallways and almost touching his toes, while he stared at his arm, pleading it to lift up and set on the handle under his eyes.
“Are you sleeping?” came a muffled voice and once Taehyung’s sleepy mind recognised its familiarity trying to wave away the fog from his awareness, a lazy smile raised up his cheeks, melting the confusion away.
He pushed open the door, jerking in an alert at the loud creaking jumping from the empty hallways and blending with the swoosh of air that tickled his toes. Taehyung’s eyes fell on the figure preventing him from seeing how the opposite walls kept trembling from the powerful snores escaping from the Seokjin’s room.
Jungkook’s socked feet were stomping a step away from the threshold, blowing away the crumbled up polystyrene, rolling from the boxes full of fragile glass, with every thump of his heels, while his knees were shaking, despite the blanket thrown over his shoulders reaching up to his mid tights. Jungkook pulled the edges of the thin fabric closer together as soon as the draught hit him, they were now touching under his chin and stretching over his back while showing the hard bumps of muscles under the smooth surface.
“Hey,’ Jungkook whispered, ‘Can I go in?” he sniffled and looked at Taehyung’s room wrapped in dark.
Taehyung, pouting at the red tint of Jungkook’s scrunching nose, stepped away and pulled the boy inside, covering him in the familiar night ruling over the safety of his asylum, before closing the door behind them.
As soon as the click of the lock drew a smile on Jungkook’s lips, Taehyung pushed him towards his empty bed until the back of his knees didn’t hit his mattress, prompting him to lose his balance and fall between his messy sheets. A soft laugh resonated in the background of the sharp breath as the air stuck within the confines of Jungkook’s lungs, but before it could reach its full potential and scare the spiders undisturbedly spinning their webs, Taehyung plopped down over his body and trapped the sound inside his own throat as his lips moved against Jungkook’s in a shy peck. He could feel Jungkook’s raising chest under his and the quivering of his abdomen muscles as another laugh pushed past his teeth, slamming against Taehyung’s mouth. Soon, both of them were biting on their lips to restrain their giggles from escaping and waking up the other members sleeping in their rooms.
“Kook,’ Taehyung hid his face in the juncture of Jungkook’s shoulder, kissing the point where the joyful rhythm of his life was pulsating erratically against his cheek, ‘you really need to stop showing up in the middle of the night like this,’ he sighed and hoisted up on palms placed on either side of Jungkook’s body, searching for the maknae’s eyes, ‘You're going to get us caught one day. And you know, the price we pay may be too high.”
“But it's the thrill of it, hyung,’ grinned Jungkook, seemingly unfazed, ‘Besides,’ Taehyung could more feel than hear a hand rising on the side of his body, struggling to keep straight, supported only by his weak arms on the wiggly mattress, ‘being with you is worth it.” Something cold touched the sliver of Taehyung’s skin peeking between his pyjama collar and hair tickled his nape. The shiver didn’t even have time to run down his spine, when that something freezing pressed on his neck and his arms gave up under him. Taehyung fell on Jungkook’s chest, knocking his nose against the sharp bone of his chin.
“Almost,” joked Jungkook and the hot air blew on his exposed forehead. Then two strong arms encircled his waist and lifted him up until their lips didn’t meet once again in the dance they were no longer shy to perform.
Taehyung hummed into the kiss, enjoying the warm feeling spreading in his chest, contrasting with the cold fingers boring into his cheeks, reminding him that their inner peace didn’t walk hand in hand with their bodies subconsciously reacting to the low temperatures portraying the pillows and blanket in a welcoming light.
“You are unfair,” it wasn’t clear if the whine was meant to support his words or if the noise chortling in his throat was a reaction to the lack of hot slicked lips forcing his own to part.
“But you like it. Don’t gimme that look,’ uttered Jungkook, ‘I will leave before Namjoon hyung comes,” he said and stole one last kiss, its wetness squelched not only in Taehyung’s ears but also made him pull away and bring the back of his hand to wipe the saliva dripping down his chin while the hit on Jungkook’s shoulder followed the disgusted grimace pulling the corners of his mouth down.
“How was your evening, Kook?” yawned Taehyung and grabbed the pillow fearing to fall down the edge to let his head bore into the plush softness reminding him of his exhaustion ticking towards the late hour with the fog spreading over his consciousness. He reached for Jungkook’s hand moving up and down on his stomach to the rhythm of his regular breaths and pulled it over his body, only to frown when it didn’t bring him the warmth he was hoping for despite where the naked skin of his palm pressed on his uncovered hip a sweat was forming from the heat. Taehyung wished to pull the offensive top protecting Jungkook’s chest over his head and dive into the tropical waves.
“Good,’ mumbled Jungkook, his eyes rolled back to find his face, ‘Busy, as always, but,’ with a sigh he lifted his legs until they were no longer touching the floor and threw them over Taehyung’s - Taehyung could feel his heels sinking into bed under their weight, ‘now I am with you,” he whispered close to his ear - borrowing the corner of the soft pillow to rest his head on - as if Taehyung’s simple presence could lift the strain of his shoulders.
Taehyung turned his head, the sound of his hair rubbing against the pillow case buried his heavy sigh, “Hey, guess what, Kook-ah?’ he began softly, his lips moving close to the tip of Jungkook’s nose, if someone turned the blinds falling over the window, he would be able to count the freckles rising up as the faded brownish spots on the slope of Jungkook’s nose, they were lying that close, ‘Hyungu hyung invited me over to his place tonight, he cooked some delicious tteokbokki just for Jin hyung and me. Trust me, you missed out on a culinary masterpiece! I wish I could save you the leftovers, but we ate everything,” as he proceeded, his voice carried an exciting tone, almost as if he could imagine himself sitting in the savory filled kitchen.
“Oh?” the dark brush of eyebrows lifted up over Jungkook’s eyes in what had to be a surprise. Taehyung had never mentioned why was he pulling the zipper of his winter jacket up sooner than the others still sweating in front of the mirror tonight.
“How's that going?” Jungkook asked simply, but barely masking the curiosity in his voice. It wasn’t rare for Jin’s boyfriend to call him over dinner, if anything, he liked to push in the gaps of Taehyung’s and Jin’s free period to sneak a chocolate bar or not-so-innocent bag of his favourite snacks into his diet while busying himself with the familiarity of Jin’s presence. Taehyung wasn’t stupid, he was well aware that he served as a cover-up, skipping behind Jin’s back like a wiggly tail every time the familiar ringtone of Jin's phone was followed by a photo of Hyungu's freshly shaved face, gleaming on his lit-up phone screen. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t feeling like a small kid whose mouth could be shut up with a sweet stop to his hunger pangs, that were hitting the walls of his empty stomach, while he was glaring at the couple embracing under the brightest lamp.
“It's…,” Taehyung took a while to think, his excitement suddenly gone. He brought his hand close to Jungkook’s face and traced the curve of his nose, prominently sticking out between his cheeks until he didn’t find the narrow dip close to his cheek bone under his fingertip, “Different,” he said at least.
“I am so glad for them, although maybe not quite as much as Hyungu hyung when he looks at Jin hyung. They look so happy together… But you know, here’s the thing,’ after his finger returned to the middle of Jungkook’s face, copying his nose shape, probably to engrave it into his memory, Jungkook’s eyes met in the middle, watching his hand with a new interest, ‘he told me that Namjoon hyung, that he has been urging him to come out to the company, about their relationship.” Taehyung pressed on the squishy tip until it didn’t lay flat, touching the spot beneath, just above the gentle curve of his lips, and Jungkook’s mouth opened to take the air in. They both were following the movement of Taehyung’s digit hovering over Jungkook’s open mouth and a short stroke of tension ran over them before they coughed and hid their burning cheeks behind their palms.
“Uh… complicated,’ said Jungkook eventually, taking over the line of embarrassing closeness they have not yet chosen to cross, ‘Do you think he will?”
“I am clueless, Kook,’ huffed Taehyung, shaking his head, back on his pillow, ‘Jin hyung is… I guess he is torn. It may be not just about them, he's afraid of what it might mean for all of us, especially,’ he rolled his eyes before finishing, ‘uh, what will be Bang PD-nim's reaction.”
“It's tough, hyung,’ Jungkook was slow to nod, ‘Coming out is never easy, and the industry,’ it seemed that the gulp that bobbed with his throat pushed out the words he had carefully thought about before, ‘can be unforgiving.”
Taehyung sighed, “Who wouldn’t be worried about the consequences?” as the last word rolled out of Taehyung’s tongue, his heart thumped against his ribcage with a striking force, if it wasn’t more careful it would imprint its shape there temporarily.
Taehyung’s ears were ringing in the silence they both fell into, meaningfully filling the gaps with their thoughts, louder than their sealed mouth could ever dare to reveal, muffled by a new feeling, heavier than they were familiar with.
“It's tough, isn't it, hyung?’ Taehyung wondered how Jungkook could speak through the lump in his throat, ‘All this hiding and pretending."
Taehyung felt as if someone had stepped in the middle of his chest and with every breath he tried to take, the sole of the stranger’s shoe had only bored deeper, until the liquid swaying inside wasn’t bumping against its unevenness.
The gaze felt begging, tingling on the side of his face and when he answered it, staring right into the wetness of Jungkook’s eyes, expecting his own self to reflect there, however instead he was flooded with sudden waves of memories falling over his mind. He remembered those days characterised by his self-doubt and insecurities, when his fears built up barriers between his desires as he would steal glances at Jungkook but was quick to punish his heart racing towards dreams he had forbidden himself from seeing. He didn’t like returning to those dark times, especially when they were only a knock of the last hot summer away, when he fought with his identity, struggling to the point it felt like he was drowning. He preferred to hide his face behind a facade, put a mask in front of his true emotions, but it became impossible to conceal them from his mind. More than battling with the fear of societal judgment, he was stabbing his own inner turmoil, but instead of vanishing into non-existence it bled, bled so much it poured into the truth.
Taehyung still felt guilty for pushing Jungkook away, wiping his lips, but they continued to ooze the screaming red. But Jungkook had never given up on himself - if Taehyung felt selfishly daring, he would say on them - coming clean and risking a heartbreak. Now, as they lay together in the quiet of Taehyung’s room, he couldn't help but feel a relieving sense of gratitude for the love that had brought them under his blanket.
Their relationship started as a delicate one, catching Taehyung off guard every time he spotted Jungkook’s eyes in the mirror, communicating through the gentle blinks brushing past their cheeks in the mass of other faces, blind to the blush rising on their skin. It all bubbled inside his stomach like the first love, and maybe it really was, on the background of stolen kisses in the dimly lit corners of their practice room, or hidden behind the door of a cubicle, breathing in the sickly reek of toilets, while busy lost in each other’s eyes. But as their love had grown, so had the challenges they faced. The entertainment industry was unforgiving, and the pressure to conform to its expectations weighed heavily on their shoulders. Taehyung knew that Jin’s dilemma about coming out to the company was just a reflection of the larger struggle they all faced.
“Yeah, Kookie, it is. But you know what? It is the path we've chosen, at least for the time being.” Taehyung rubbed his eyes, clearing the sleep filling their corners with his fists. He was momentarily enjoying the lack of grey shadows seeping through, while the wetness spread behind the eyelids eased the itching sensation painting the milky surface faint red.
When Jungkook’s hand grazed along his covered belly, he jerked, not anticipating it, but nuzzled closer until his bent knees didn’t poke the curve of Jungkook’s waist. “I just,’ he could hear Jungkook smack his lips, they had to be just a thin line dipping the corners of his mouth now, ‘wish we didn't have to sneak around like this. It's exhausting,” the whisper sounded on the border of a cry, coping his exasperation.
As Taehyung’s fingers gently stroked Jungkook's hair, he spoke softly, 'I know,’ he spoke more bravely than he felt inside, ‘But remember why we're doing this. We're protecting our love and the group."
Jungkook's sigh filled the room and his voice carried a familiar longing, "I get it, hyung, I do. It's just... sometimes I wish we could be open about us,” he confessed, his grip on Taehyung's fingers tightened, as if not wanting to let go.
Taehyung felt his heart swell with affection and concern, wishing he could offer Jungkook a solution rather than more worries. "I am with you on that, Jungkook,’ he nodded, his voice strained with the weight of their shared burden, ‘But we can't risk it. What if someone catches on? What if they already have?"
Jungkook's arm wrapped around him, drawing him closer, their bodies once again finding comfort in the closeness of their embrace. "Hey, don't worry,’ Jungkook reassured him, his nose tracing the contours of Taehyung's shoulder. He pulled away slightly, allowing a cool rush of air between them. "We've been careful, and Jin hyung is on our side. And if someone does suspect anything,’ his voice gained a newfound strength, as if he was trying to convince both Taehyung and himself, ‘we'll deal with it together, just like we always do."
Taehyung remained silent for a long moment. His fingers were lightly tracing the lines on Jungkook's palm as if he could uncover their future lying in the complex of webs spiralling and tying together into others, but it stayed the same, uncertain. The dread of exposure weighed heavily on him.
“I wish it was a truth,” Taehyung’s lips wrapped around the words but no sound vibrated within his throat.
Taehyung found himself too caught up in the approaching storm, roaring behind the mountains of the future. He stretched his neck to see how far were the fortresses built of pretence that the thunderbolt was setting ablaze, before it hammered on the front door and unleashed where the peace in his life was currently ruling. However, he was only met with the same uncertainty in two eyes watching him, sliding down his cheek. Taehyung’s heavy breath of non-spoken wants spread before their senses of perception, perhaps fogging into the hard-to-see-through mist falling over the room’s midnight shadows, playing with their memories responsive to new-found desires for the alone time together, that they have forgotten about the second bed’s empty mattress and the pillows fluffed against the headrest, winking at them just behind it.
The next time Taehyung reached to rub the sleep away from his eyes, to continue strolling towards what looked to be an infinite night, he found them swollen with a satisfying rest, same as the state of his mind, while lying on the pillow that impressed the fabric lines into the pliant skin of his cheek, with the half of Jungkook’s body thrown over his, in the new day’s rays absorbed room. And his heart dropped with the sound of huffing coming from his left. Taehyung’s chest felt tense and the muscles in his neck screamed the protests, even going as far as pulling at the sensitive nerve ending, making him to hiss in pain.
Taehyung felt caught red-handed staring right into Namjoon’s eyes, watching him from behind the glasses set on his nose, while he was sitting on his bed. Namjoon brought his index finger to his mouth and stuck out his tongue to wet its surface before the dampness glued it onto the page of the book he was reading. The quiet rustling of a paper must have visited Jungkook’s dreams because he stirred in Taehyung’s arms.
“Hyung?’ gulped Taehyung, ‘Good morning?” he wasn’t sure why the tone of his voice kept rising into the questions. He tried to understand Namjoon’s expression, but it appeared unreadable, hardening around his mouth corners yet with an empty glint in his eyes. As Jungkook shifted again, blowing a snore over his bare neck and raising a panic slowly climbing up from behind Namjoon’s eyebrow raise, he quickly came up with an excuse, ‘We… uh, we were just playing some games last night,’ the way a drop of sweat shone on his forehead had presented him in a guilty light, ‘and I guess we fell asleep?”
The second eyebrow, resting low over Namjoon’s eyelids till now, joined the first one, pulling at the skin, high, close to his hairline. Taehyung attempted an awkward smile but inside he was freaking out. Were they too obvious?
Namjoon’s pursed lips enhancing his noticeable silence continued to play on Taehyung’s anxiety. His mouth opened subconsciously while his teeth found sank into the plush of his bottom lip, tugging at the old habits in nervousness.
Namjoon’s gaze shifted once again between Taehyung’s flush rising on his pale face and Jungkook’s furrowed eyebrows while his dreams were slowly meeting their end. He closed the book with a loud thud, spreading the musty smell of old pages, and nodded simply before getting up and leaving the room without saying a word.
As soon as Namjoon’s wide bare back disappeared behind the closed door, Taehyung’s head fell. He ran his eyes over Jungkook’s black tangled strands, seeping the aroma of shampoo all over his pyjama top, while his hand fisted the creased loose fabric around the hem.
“Jungkook-ah,’ whispered Taehyung, his voice still hoarse, brushing over Jungkook’s hair, ‘wake up,” he tapped his shoulder, but the boy’s fingers only tightened around his T-shirt, baring his stomach.
“C’mon.”
“Mmm…’ grunted Jungkook, ‘five mo-ah,’ his mouth stretched around a yawn and his hot breath tickled Taehyung around his navel, ‘five more minutes, Tae,” he mumbled, forgetting about honorifics in the state of half-sleep. Jungkook turned his head so his nose was boring in the gap between his ribs now.
“Jungkook-ah, it’s important,’ Taehyung spoke louder this time, sounding more urgently, ‘Wake up, now!” he shook him by his shoulders.
“Huh?’ Jungkook’s lips parted before his eyelids raised, smoothing the skin over his rolling eye whites, ‘What’s going on, Tae?” he yawned again and squinted lazily at Taehyung’s face.
“It's about Namjoon hyung, I think he knows something,’ he hurried to answer, checking the closed door after he thought he heard a movement somewhere close, creaking on their floor.
“Wake up.”
Jungkook ruffled his hair, combing his finger through the knots around the crown of his head. “Namjoon hyung?’ he asked, sounding confused, ‘What do you mean?” a painful hiss escaped between his teeth when he pulled at the untamed hair more harsher than he intended. Taehyung reached out and even if overwhelmment spread into his arm as hot blood traveled to his numb from disuse fingers, he ran them through Jungkook’s messy locks.
“You shouldn’t have stayed here last night,” Taehyung began but before he could voice out his concern, he was stopped short by a voice just a few steps away from where they were lying under the sheets, “Hyu-, oh… um,” Jimin mumbled, his foot lingering between Taehyung's room and the hallway. Taehyung watched the slipper slipping off Jimin's toes in the same awkward manner as his eyes were shifting between Jungkook's guilty face and his.
“Jimin hyung,” Jungkook smiled nervously while his fingers circled around Taehyung's wrist trying to pull his hand away from his hair. Jimin's chin jerked as his eyes followed the not so subtle movement.
“Jungkookie, good morning,' Jimin nodded curtly in acknowledgement, pointedly ignoring Taehyung's burning gaze, 'Have you seen Namjoonie hyung?” his words carried an underlying tension that seemed to fill the air around them.
Taehyung noticed Jungkook's chest lifting as he expanded his lungs with the answer, but before it could bubble on his tongue, Taehyung spoke up, “He's not here,' he said sternly, 'Maybe check the living room,” his tone was icy but he couldn't deny the annoyance that rose up his throat as he watched Jimin's head twitching towards him but never meeting his eyes.
Despite the smoke of irritation spiralling out of his fuming nostrils, Jimin couldn’t pretend he had plugs stuffed inside his ears. His face was twisted with frustration and his jaw tightened as soon as Taehyung cleared his throat. He grunted a reluctant, “Thanks,” before kicking into his slipper until it didn't slide back on his foot and he stomped out of the room. The obvious scoff bounced from the walls seconds after he left, among other voices bowing him a greet in the hallway.
As soon as Jimin vanished from the sight, Taehyung became aware of the unvocalized words gulped down by Jungkook’s throat or bitten down by Jungkook’s tongue and one sharp intake of air was enough for him to cut through the possibility with a swish of raising hand to let them be heard.
“Don’t-”
“Hyung, talk to Jimin already,’ however, Jungkook's voice was a wrecking ball that tore down all of Taehyung's flimsy attempts, like a hurricane breaking down all of his efforts, ‘You’ve been avoiding him for too long.”
‘Too long’ perfectly described the passed time since his last year’s late night New York escapade, maybe too perfectly, sighed Taehyung. He couldn’t remember when was the last time Jimin’s smile didn’t turn bitter when he caught Taehyung’s gaze during the group meetings held to discuss their ‘America success- winter 2015’. It was not a secret, at least not for Jungkook, as Taehyung spent the majority of their late night talks complaining about Jimin and Jimin only, that when Jimin turned his back towards the open door and rather had chosen the already crowded room, Taehyung took it personally. “Hyung can be pretty petty if he wants,” Jungkook gave him a look.
“I know,’ Taehyung lowered his eyes, ‘but I'm scared, Kook,’ he hesitated for a moment, ‘Scared that it might be too late.”
Jungkook stared intensely, a mix of emotions on his face, from frustration to concern and sadness. "The longer you stay quiet, the harder it'll be, Tae hyung," he said firmly.