Tristitia
Fandom: Persona 4 x Persona 5 Royal
Rating: General Audiences
Relationship: Maruki Takuto/Namatame Taro
Summary: In spite of everything, Maruki couldn’t bring himself to condemn Namatame’s actions.
Warnings: Mentions of past canonical murder and past canonical child kidnapping. Unhealthy relationships, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and drinking to cope.
// Read on AO3 //
Let’s pretend that this meeting is possible, okay? Maruki actualized the cops guarding Namatame’s room or something. Please just roll with it.
#
Inaba Municipal Hospital had become like a second home to Takuto Maruki, who was, by this point, almost as well-acquainted with the barren rooms of ashen walls as the hospitalized patients themselves. Whether he liked or not (he didn’t), the chilly air, the smell of antiseptic, and the pitiful glances that other visitors shot his way before rushing down the hall had all become a regular part of his routine, so much so that, in a strange, morbid way, stepping into the building felt like coming back home; a home that filled him with dread and tied his stomach into knots, but home nonetheless.
It had been a couple of years since he had stopped visiting this place on the regular, but he had made up for it over the last couple of weeks, as he had showed up almost every day since Nanako’s return. There was not much to do there other than hinder the doctors’ work, but Maruki found an unlikely source of comfort in pacing feverishly down the busy halls, wondering if he should enter Namatame’s room or not, turning the question over and over in his head until he got tired and decided to go home. There was nothing he could do to help Nanako, her father, or even Namatame, but some sort of primal instinct urged him to be there, to be ready to spring into action just in case something happened. Just in case.
His little visits never amounted to much, but there was nowhere else he would rather be, not while Namatame was hospitalized, so he filled his afternoons with long sessions of standing around, watching nurses come and go, seeing visitors pass by on their way in and out, and averting his eyes from patients because he simply couldn’t take any more pain or he would break down for good.
He had already lost count of how many times he had seen Dojima being led away by nurses, with defeat burned into his eyes; of how many times he’d been stopped by Adachi, who was too agitated to greet Maruki and instead jumped directly to asking if he’d seen Dojima around; of how many times he’d been startled by Narukami, who stood outside of Nanako’s room as still as a statue, only having enough energy to force a lifeless smile upon seeing him.
As of today, Nanako had been hospitalized for fourteen days.
And it was only now that Maruki had finally worked up the courage to enter Namatame’s room and confront the man who had started it all.
Maruki closed the door with a soft click, taking some time to consider his next steps, and sunk his hands into his pockets. He turned around to see an image that had long since been ingrained in his memory; the person he loved, sitting alone on a hospital cot, in a too-white hospital gown, staring forward with dead, empty eyes, with a horrified expression on their face.
It was, all of a sudden, November of 2010 and February of 2008 at once.
Maruki sucked in a breath and clawed into his arm, urging his brain to latch onto the here and now, to take him back to the present and focus only on what was happening around him. Here and now.
November 20th, 2010.
In the hospital.
With a murderer.
The room was cold like a fridge, suffocating like a furnace, and Namatame’s ragged breathing was the only sound that filled the room. For once, Maruki would’ve far preferred silence.
He took a few tentative steps forward, crossing the way-too-large room and making his way towards the only bed in the room that was occupied. He kept his guard up, his shoulders tense, and his gaze sharp, as the scrawny figure on the bed shook uncontrollably, clutching the covers with a trembling hand. Wide grey eyes tracked every single one of Maruki’s movements, flickering as if had a chainsaw in his hands.
He might as well had.
Maruki’s steps were slow and light like a cat’s as he approached the criminal in question. He came close but not too close, but Namatame jerked back regardless, clutching the covers up to his face with a pitiful whimper. “T-Takuto...”
Maruki tugged at his collar, swallowing around the knot in his throat. He stared down, fiddling with his fingers -- a nervous habit that Namatame had likely caught onto during their many outings over the past few months.
Once he had torn his gaze away from his hands, he took in a sharp breath and glared at Namatame through narrowed eyes. His voice came out in a hiss. “How could you.”
“I… I…” Namatame croaked. “I’m sorry...”
Had Maruki been told five months ago that this was the same Namatame who was known for being charismatic and full of drive, he would’ve been shocked, maybe even terrified, at the sight in front of him, and he would’ve hurried to the man’s side, frantically calling for an ambulance. This Namatame looked thirty years older, three times more skittish, and thrice as fragile, like he would break if Maruki were to poke him. If he hadn’t known better, he would’ve thought that Namatame had been overtaken by a terminal illness, that this old man was laying on his deathbed, putting all of his effort into confessing his final regrets.
It was almost hard to believe that this was the same man who had killed two women in cold blood and hung their corpses upside down for everyone to see. Almost.
“What were you thinking?” Maruki said. “Have you seen all of the pain you’ve caused Nanako-chan and her family?! Taro, she’s only six. Who will take responsibility if something happens to her?”
“N-no, please, I didn’t…!” Namatame cried, his tone desperate and barely comprehensible. “I didn’t mean to harm her, I swear!”
How someone could snatch a six year old from her house and expect her not to get hurt or traumatized was beyond Maruki’s comprehension.
Taking in a deep breath, he looked away, slowly shaking his head, and let out another sigh.
“I don’t know if I should trust your words anymore...” He muttered.
Maruki could’ve very well been the only moron in Inaba to still believe in Namatame, aside from the sad sack’s own parents. In a town where no one dared to approach him and instead chose to talk behind his back, spreading rumors about his relationship with his wife and his affair with Mayumi, Maruki had not only been one of the few who had been willing to give Namatame the benefit of the doubt, but the only one who actively seeked him out to give him his condolences and offer him a helping hand.
Since he had heard about his rock solid alibi, Maruki didn’t suspect Namatame for Mayumi’s murder, so he pitied the man for the rough treatment that the town was giving him during such a hard time in his life. While Maruki didn’t approve of his adultery, it wasn’t hard to realize that he was little more than a broken man who was unhappy with his marriage and had seeked comfort in a woman who did love him, only to be unjustly torn away from her and blamed for the tragedy.
Even if Namatame was sunk in such a state of depression that he could barely eat or sleep or, at times, even function at all, he had always been adamant about wanting to find the murderer and bring them to justice, not for sake of clearing his name but of finding some closure. And, although he had first approached Namatame out of selflessness, Maruki couldn’t deny that he had also found solace in the delivery man's presence, as he was the only one in this town who could truly understand what he was going through and commiserate with him for the murder for Rumi’s parents and their subsequent breakup.
Finding out that Namatame had been the one responsible for Mayumi’s death all along was nothing short of a betrayal. It was absolutely revolting to think that, over the past few months, Maruki had unknowingly been hanging out with the same kind of repugnant human being that had slaughtered Rumi’s parents in front of her eyes… And having to confront the fact that he had shared his vulnerabilities with a child kidnapper and a murderer, no less, while said man easily tricked him into trusting him by pretending to agree with his morals, shattered the little illusion of companionship that he had desperately clung onto during the past few months to try and relieve the sting of isolation.
But, right now, Namatame wasn’t acting much like the murderer or child kidnapper that Maruki had been expecting, much less like a manipulator who would’ve willingly deceived a grieving man just because he could.
Honestly, the sight was just… sad.
It was hard to gather the strength to kick this man while he was down.
“Takuto, please! I-It’s true!” Namatame cried, tears welling up in his eyes. “I had no idea I was putting them in such danger...! I was too much of a coward to try and find out for myself…”
Maruki tore his gaze away, mentally cursing at himself. If Namatame began crying, that might be the last straw that would cause him to break into sobs too, despite how hard he had been trying to keep himself from falling apart over these past couple of weeks. While this wouldn’t be the first time he let his defenses down around Namatame, like he had done time and time again when he invited him over to his house, where they would drink in an attempt to drown their sorrows only to end up near passed out in each other’s arms, his perception of Namatame was already skewed enough due to his involvement with him, so he didn’t need any more reason to feel bad for him.
Maruki couldn’t allow himself to feel pity for a murderer of all things. God, he didn’t even want to do this in the first place. He didn’t want to be here, he wanted to be anywhere but here, he wanted to be away, far, far away, and forget all about Namatame and about Nanako and about the murders, forget all about Inaba and pretend none of it ever happened. Be alone. In silence. Peaceful at last, without having to worry about Rumi, his patients, his students. Or about anything at all.
Maruki dug his nails into his wrist, squeezing his eyes shut. He sucked in another breath.
November 20th, 2010.
In the hospital.
With a murderer.
Murderer.
Somehow, the title didn’t stick.
While there was no doubt that Namatame had been the one who kidnapped Nanako and caused her to be hospitalized, the image of Namatame grabbing Mayumi, killing her, and hanging her body upside down in the dead of the night completely clashed with the idea of Namatame that Maruki had had until now. In fact, he had never even thought that Namatame would be capable of murder, let alone that of his lover.
Maruki had been witness to Namatame’s love for Mayumi, which was true love if Maruki had ever seen anything like it. Although he had only gotten close to Namatame after Mayumi’s death, it was easy to see how much he cared about her, how much of his happiness had been ripped away from him along with Mayumi’s life, and how hard he wished he could give everything he had in exchange for her wellbeing. It was very noble of him, even if he practically worshipped the ground she walked on, and it was evident that he would’ve never laid a hand on his dear Mayumi, no matter what. In fact, he wouldn’t have let anyone cause her harm if he could’ve helped it -- he had no reason to do a 180 at the last minute and kill her in a fit of rage.
But this was a child kidnapper. Maruki wouldn’t put it past him to pull a 180 in a fit of rage and kill the one he supposedly loved.
“Takuto, please…! I would never do something so atrocious! Please… please, Takuto… I was trying to save her!”
“Save her?” Maruki echoed somberly. “Nanako-chan…? You were the one who caused her pain. What were you trying to save her from?”
“F-From the one who did such terrible things to Mayumi!” Namatame’s breath hitched. “I… I couldn’t let a little girl suffer that cruel fate...”
Even now, this criminal still spoke like the Namatame that Maruki thought he knew…
Up until Nanako’s kidnapping, it had been obvious to Maruki that Namatame cared much more about Mayumi’s safety than his own, so much so that he would’ve gladly taken her place up on the antenna to protect her. In fact, he would’ve given himself up as a sacrifice not only because he wanted her to be happy, but because he had no reason to continue living on, not after losing his wife, his job, his reputation, and the one he loved... It was a situation that Maruki understood painfully well, and he wanted to believe that Namatame had been sincere when he said that he had made it his new life mission to find the murderer and protect other potential targets.
That was a desire that Maruki wholeheartedly shared with Namatame, but he failed to understand how saving victims correlated in any way to kidnapping a six year old girl.
Still, Namatame hadn’t lied to Maruki once. He might’ve hidden part of the truth and even refused to answer Maruki’s questions at times, but he had never told a deliberate lie. Maruki had always vouched for the man’s honesty, even if no one believed him.
Well… Until now, at least.
Before Nanako’s kidnapping, Maruki would’ve trusted Namatame with his life. Despite not knowing each other for long, they had quickly forged a deep bond because they understood and accepted the other’s feelings like no one else could. Over the last few months, they had been each other’s refuge; Maruki was the only one in town who would listen to Namatame without questioning him or blaming him for Mayumi’s murder, Namatame was the only one who didn’t urge Maruki to move on from Rumi or to let go of his research, and they both needed someone to confide in, so their relationship progressed naturally.
They never intended their bond to be anything other than platonic, but, when Rumi and Mayumi’s absence had left them both starved of physical affection and the words of encouragement that they had depended on for so long, it was just a matter of time until a drunken Maruki impulsively kissed Namatame on the lips, only for Namatame to clutch his arms, pull him back, and make out with him until neither could breathe, before pinning him to the wall and planting needy kisses all over Maruki’s face like it was their last night alive.
They never defined their relationship, but, after that night, they had started calling each other by their first names without any prompting, mostly so they could mutter reassurances to the effect of “I love you, Taro” and “I love you too, Takuto” into each other’s ear, in a clumsy attempt to fill the emptiness left behind by their lovers, to try and ease the weight upon their backs, to try and mend their broken hearts, even when they knew they could only drag each other down and sink even deeper into their despair.
Their relationship was a fleeting transaction, an unspoken agreement, a simple coping mechanism: Maruki wasn’t ready to love anyone other than Rumi, and Namatame hadn’t yet mourned Mayumi properly, but Maruki needed someone to hold him and encourage him to continue his research, and Namatame needed someone to press kisses against his forehead and tell him that everything would be alright, even if he knew it wasn’t true, so they latched onto each other, taking in as much of their warmth as they could, like they would run out of it if they weren’t quick enough.
Since their relationship was built on the foundation of pain, it was doomed to fade away as soon as one of them found happiness. Maruki had hoped that Namatame would be the one to find happiness first… but, as of now, Namatame seemed to be suffering more than ever, if that was even possible.
Like always, things only seemed to be going downhill for Maruki.
“Please… please, you have to believe me.”
Maruki wanted to believe him.
He carefully stepped towards Namatame, who recoiled and pushed himself as far back on the bed as he could, taking the covers with him. A whimper escaped his lips as he watched Maruki come nearer with that uncharacteristically cold expression on his face.
“I’m not going to hurt you.” Maruki said, letting out a sigh. He placed his hand on the hospital cot, lowered himself, sitting down on the edge, and glanced at Namatame, before muttering, “You weren’t the one who killed Yamano-san… were you?”
Namatame shook his head weakly. “No.” He whispered, barely choking out the words. “No, of course not.”
It was obvious that he was making a huge effort just to speak without crumbling into pieces, as his breathing was loud and ragged and his chest moved shakily, his whole upper body quivering with each breath. His expression was contorted into a grimace, and his eyes, fixed on Maruki’s, were red and puffy, like he couldn’t stand to swallow back the tears any longer.
Those weren’t the eyes of a liar.
“Takuto.” Namatame’s voice cracked. “I would never--”
“Okay, okay.” Maruki said, taking Namatame’s hand in his, as he scooted closer to him on the bed. “It’s okay, I believe you.”
Namatame breathed out with a pained “aah…” and his shoulders sagged in relief, but he winced, as one of his wounds presumably acted up. Maruki held his hand and began to trace his veins and bony fingers, before moving on to draw circles over Namatame’s dry skin with his thumb. He had missed Namatame’s touch more than he cared to admit… He needed to treasure this moment, as it might be the last moment of intimacy they shared for god knows how long. Even if Namatame was proven innocent in regards to Mayumi’s murder, there was still a high possibility that he would go to prison for kidnapping, and, although Maruki knew that Namatame had to face consequences for hurting Nanako, he didn’t know how much longer he could hold on without Namatame’s support to rely on.
“I’m so sorry…” Namatame said. “I didn’t mean to hurt that little girl…”
Maruki only wished this could’ve ended differently.
He wished he had caught onto Namatame’s conflict before it was too late, that he had known about what he was planning to do behind his back before he went through with it, that Namatame had trusted him enough to confide in him, because then he could’ve done something to prevent the kidnapping, to talk him into reason, to find a way to help Nanako that didn’t involve tearing her away from her family and throwing her towards death’s doorstep.
Although he was great at reading people’s emotions, Maruki wasn’t a mind reader (not yet). There was no way he could have known what Namatame was thinking unless Namatame willingly opened up and asked for his help...
“I know it’s been hard since what happened to Yamano-san, but you have me, Taro.” Maruki leaned forward and gently pressed his face against Namatame’s chest, only feeling cold instead of the warmth he had been hoping to find. He closed his eyes, his voice becoming a murmur. “Please... let me help you.”
“I… I don’t know if you can…”
“I will.” Maruki furrowed his brows, giving Namatame’s hand a tight squeeze. “I will take away all of your suffering, Taro. I promise.”
If no one else had Namatame’s back, if one else stood by his side, if no one else could see him for who he truly was... then Maruki would.
After all…
What good is a savior if he doesn’t show compassion towards those who need him the most?