it’s been so strange being on top of the world externally and yet so down bad mentally. like yeah i have a day job i like that pays me well and lets me pursue the things i love & i’m also making big moves towards the career i want to have like i’m releasing my first single as an artist and making my professional theatre debut & making connections and actually having plans and dreams for the future?? that i’m actually excited about? like my life feels so limitless and full of endless possibilities?
and yet.
i am so lonely all the time. my day job that i like leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. i still haven’t learned how to live with the guilt of not being on good terms with my best friend when she died. she got a lot of our friends in the divorce and then buried them with her. i haven’t taken a dance class in four months. i might have a tear in my hip. i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to keep myself healthy enough to dance again. that would really throw a wrench in my world domination plans. and like, my near future plans too.
don’t get me wrong though!! i’m just as happy about the happy things as i am sad about the sad things. the problem is that i am feeling all of it all at once near constantly and that is just exhausting. i need a nap. i need a hug. i need a sedative. i need a therapist. hopefully i can get one of those things.