#tara rant

[myladytara]

তুমি কি এতই অবুঝ?

আর কত প্রহর কাটাবো আমি তোমারই অপেক্ষায়?

কেনো জাগাও ভালোবাসা যদি নাই বা আসো?

এই অপেক্ষা কি কখনো শেষ হবে!?

কখনও কি পাবো তোমায় ফিরে?

[tarastabz]

WARNING: Tara rant

Tara had no time to process what happened to her, and she probably didn't even have time to rest her injuries.

Especially if we consider that, Tara post-scream 2022, had to focus on graduating, and then after that, her focus was mostly on college and adapting to a new city.

There were too many things happening all at once that didn't let Tara have a (much-needed) break, and that's mostly why she feels the need to push everybody away, especially when what happened to her/them is mentioned.

And, of course, one of the biggest changes in Tara's life was having Sam back. Which is not an easy thing to adjust to considering the last time Tara saw her was when she was 13 and Sam was 18.

They had to relearn everything about each other.

Tara post-scream 2022 felt pressured to move on, but then the moment she did that, Tara pre-scream vi felt pressured to do the opposite and focus on her past.

And when the nightmare followed her in New York too, the realisation that she will never be a normal person again hits her.

And whether she liked it or not, she had to deal with her past.

That's obviously very stressful for her because instead of gradually processing what happened to her during the time between post-scream 2022 and pre-scream vi, she started to deal with it and the end of scream vi, so it's twice as difficult for her.

[myladytara]

Maybe I am just a terminal station. People are meant to stay with me, for awhile.

They wait forever with me, share earphones, and eat with. Then they leave eventually when the time comes, going to their own destination.

I am never a home to someone, just a waiting shed for passersby.

— Sant Bibliophile دوار الشمس🌻

Artwork by Kmaco

People are supposed to leave anyways. However I wished I hadn't been left by someone close of mine in my childhood. Maybe that person leaving me at that time was reasonable enough for me to not be traumatised till now.

Maybe that's why I tend to leave people even before they leave me.Maybe that's why I can realise when it's time for them to leave. Maybe that's why I regret after doing so. And maybe that's why even after getting hurt and still believing that they ain't gonna leave me...

Isn't it too hard to live like this? To hard to live with too much emotions...

And suddenly you're 20 year old and that person comes back telling you that don't you worry I'm here.. etc etc etccc.

I'm too used to being alone that I barely need company sympathies and such..

There's something in this tune that makes me feel outrageous. Makes me go mad overthinking. As if my thoughts are loud but quieter than this tune..

[myladytara]

I DON'T DESERVE YOU ~casper (Tara)

I DONT DESERVE YOU.

Cause I have a traumatic past

Cause I have the worst childhood

Cause I probably don't even deserve to be happy.

I don't deserve you

Cause I can't give you what you actually deserve

Cause every 24/7 you have to help me fix.

I don't deserve you

Cause I cry to sleep every night.

Cause I break easily and I stand up pretty fast.

Cause I close the door even before going inside it.

I don't deserve you

Cause I know no matter how much I love you I can barely make you feel loved.

Cause I know I'm tormented inside to love you as a full.

Cause I'm full of scars and I know you won't be able to handle these ...

You deserve all the love in the world, and I know I can't be the one to give those to you...

You deserve to be happy and I know I lack in that.

You have to be able to fix yourself cause I know all my doings gonna bring harm to you anyways.

You should be able to fix yourself cause I won't be able to fix you.

You have to love me more than I do and I know you probably won't be able to do so.

I need more love to fix myself and I know, you loving me wouldn't be enough to fix me.

Cause I'm gonna burst like a big bomb at times,

I'm gonna push you away every time I feel the slightest thought of me being not enough for you,

I'm gonna treat you like you don't deserve even though I know that you deserve all the good things and still while being me, while fixing me, I might treat you like shit..

And I know you won't be able to stay anyway.

The test the fights anything and everything is going to make you toxic.

Loving is easy and for loving me I'm pretty sure you're gonna have to be so strong.

Loving is easy but staying with me for a long time is gonna be so hard for you.

Loving is easy cause I know you're gonna give up pretty fast.

I don't wanna hurt you so I will always erase myself.

Cause I know my love is only gonna wither you before the war starts.

And finally,

Cause I know I definitely don't deserve you...

[myladytara]

যদি সব কথাই বলা যেত তাহলে এত দূরত্ব বাড়তো না।

অপূর্ণতা নিয়ে বাঁচতে চাইনি, তাই তো মনের সাধ মিটিয়ে ব্যক্ত করেছি হাজারো অনুভূতি। অতিরিক্ত অনুভূতি দেখানোও যেন কাল হয়ে দাঁড়িয়েছে। তাই তো এখন না বলা লক্ষাধিক কথা বুকে জমা রেখে অপূর্ণতা নিয়েই দিনকে দিন পার করে দিচ্ছি।

[myladytara]

I used to be lost in my own world. I don't know since when you started to become a part of it...

Okay,,,

Definitely is a very flirty word. Which I fell in love with. Even though I knew it was just something everyone uses to flirt ...

Words,,.. wordsss it's where I get lost every single time..Words I believed, words I mistrust, words I misunderstood, words you misunderstood.Everything starts with it and at the same time, it also ends with it.

[myladytara]

They say I'm fancy but I know I'm clumsy

They say I'm mischievous but I know I'm just too naive

They say I'm nice but I know I can be devine

They say I'm pretty but I know I'm no different than Aphrodite.

They say I'm too good for them to deserve and I know I'm someones 'she don't deserve me' girl

They say I'm cute but all I wanted to feel was everything else but cute...

I'm just tired to put through these scales they made about me... Sometimes I feel good about it but sometimes I don't.

I kinda wanna feel appreciated

I kinda wanna feel worth it

I kinda wanna feel loved

I kinda wanna be desired

I kinda wanna be treated right and taken care of.

I kinda wish I was loved the same way I loved others...

Is this too much to ask for?

Sometimes life feels terribly insanely fucking nuisance to me. And sometimes I feel like vomiting and throwing up all these insanity the human nature had spread....

[myladytara]

We all are busy trying to look happy,

Trying hide our true emotions.

Are we really happy!?

Will you understand if someone close to you is not happy. Or if that person is just trying to be happy masking it all..

Will you help her hide it more or will you support her saying, it's okay to burst sometimes?

Why do we live in this kind of dilemma where we can't even show that we are hurt, can't even show that this happiness is only for a show and still wants to be loved and cared from the loved one. Hoping he or she would understand us but they doesn't..

Will they ever understand you? Will they ever be in love with you for them to understand your pain. For them to understand what exactly you wanted.

I guess sometimes it's us who makes things complicated. But all we wanted was for them to love us in a way where they would understand the deepest meanings of us saying we are okay.