#tati rambles

[melanch0liflower]

pass the happy! 🌻🌈 when you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications! 💖

1. My cat

2. My girlfriend

3. Pasta

4. Books

5. @birdpollo

Thank you! :)

[trapped-inadystopianovel]

Hi, hello, it's me, Tatiana, the hot mess behind this blog. So how y'all been? I've been a depressed trash can on fire these past 6ish months! 2020 did a speed run of a decade worth of childhood trauma in that time. It's been a good time on my end. I just thought I would give an update, more for me honestly to help me get a wrap around everything from my life to my WIPs:

I'm over half way down with my accounting degree. Yay!

I have about 7 chapters left of my read through my first draft of Providence(I have been here for like 3 months now and it took my like 3 to get here but it's progress). I've decided it needed more POVs and just whole rewrite. Not a whole lot of changes but also so much.

I'm currently sitting in a moving truck with my dad going from the west valley of Arizona back to the center of North Carolina to move back in with my parents instead of continuing to live with my sister and her family (fuck the chaos)

I've outlined a WIP called All Eyes Are On seeing as I didn't have the mental energy to work on Providence.(I need this in like the two good days I had in the middle)

I also started storyboarding the book after Providence. By start I mean I have 5 sticky notes on my project board. (It's been like that for about 7 months now)

2020 has been a bitch but I've been slowly getting better. I do not thrive under chaos, I shrivel up and die as I get crushed by it.

Also to everyone that sent me MGM, WBW, STS, and any other kind of ask I'm so so sorry I haven't answered them I will get to them when I get home once and for all.

[melanch0liflower]

The Umbrella Academy honestly has such strong music game

[melanch0liflower]

4, 5, 6 :)

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

I don’t think so? 

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

Yes! I live with my partner, so yeah definitely haha :)

6. What are you excited for?

I’m excited to find out which graduate schools I get accepted to!

Make me admit stuff?

[melanch0liflower]

I really miss my best friend @birdpollo

[melanch0liflower]

Trying to figure out your romantic and sexual identity when you’re on the ace spectrum is honestly incredibly difficult

[trapped-inadystopianovel]

In my Marketing class we had to write a Discussion about a product we bought in-store. Which I learned I don't really buy in-store nor do I pay attention to products unless it sparks my interest. So while everyone is talking about things like TVs and drinks and clothes for their kids, I'm over here awkwardly saying I buy most of my things online, don't pay attention to ads but hey I did buy some really cool Oracle decks at barnes and noble

[tatianaallanpoe]

What I Feel

Inadequate - because I don't understand the world like everyone else seems to. I am trapped in a cycle of hoping for something yet achieving nothing. I feel as if I don't know how to try as lots of things come easy to me. I want to try harder to care more but I don't know how. I feel so unequipped to manage life. Deeply damaged and too stupid for my own good. I try to learn new things and instead I feel dumb for not already knowing it. It's like I'm forever setting impossible challenges for myself to serve as a reminder that I AM inadequate. I'm confirming my own beliefs with every action I take. I feel hopeless and directionless. And worst of all I feel so alone. I feel as if no one truly understands me or wants to put in the effort to do so. But I don't accept it when they do. I BELIEVE I'm unlovable so I AM unlovable. Idk how to combat this and 4 years of continuous therapy only serves as a constant reminder that I am incapable of loving myself. Of accepting myself as is. Of just being. I feel like I stopping living in 2016 and now I only exist to survive. To get through the day. Idk man. I so burnt out