I'm so thankful that I have a nice, calm, QUIET, and safe environment today to relax and sleep a little so far. Idk where Tawni is or if she's sleeping, too, but she and Cody (who is sleeping, too, I think, coz he was up until like 9am with me) have let me sleep in peace so far and I feel so much better after having a few hours of sleep. Idk if Tawni did this on purpose to be respectful and caring and loving (which would really mean a lot to me, because that is the type of person she was to me for on and off 9 years and the person I'm used to) or if it's just coincidence because she is gone doing something. I'm really hoping the first one, but I've had little contact with her so I don't know. I just know it would mean so much to me to know I'm being respected and cared for like this and it would erase all the fears of living here that last night brought (which Cody did a lot for me last night despite any anger or pain he had in regard to me, which really showed how much he genuinely cares) so I'm just hoping to see the same thing from Tawni. I know I probably won't get an apology from her coz that's just not who she is (which is fine), but if I did, it would make a whole world if difference. But if not, her giving me the space, time, PEACE AND QUIET to sleep for a while and genuinely rest since I don't have a room yet and am on the couch in the living room would pretty much be equivalent to an apology in our terms and I would completely accept that. I know she cares, I do. I'm just not sure why I have been on and off ignored/been short with (similar style to how my father acts with me, so I'm accustomed to it, but that doesn't I'm immune to the pain and aggravation caused by it) and slightly neglected last night (which was remedied with Cody caring for me; even though he's not trained to deal with this stuff and didn't know what to do at first, he did one hell of an amazing job helping me and making sure I was okay bu getting me to fresh air, getting me water, trying to call the fire station for me, bringing me there himself when no one answered and coming to pick me up at 3 in the goddamn morning, which actually turned out I didn't even get discharged till like 5 or 5:30am when I had been admitted around 11pm last night via ambulance to triage among other little things. So god I really appreciate all that like crazy and I hope Cody is able to get some sleep like I have. I think he is right now, which would be very good.) So, I know she cares and I know she has a very, very hard time showing it (not only has Cody reminded me of this over and over, but I know her well enough know to know she really does genuinely care even when she's acting like she doesn't) so it would just mean the absolute world to me if she was giving me this safe, quiet, peaceful, positive environment to recuperate from last night and I would definitely accept that as an apology in Tawni-language. I love her dearly and I don't always see how much she cares and loves me in moments of extreme panic and any level of trauma (whether it be physical because of my asthma or mental/emotional because of whatever the hell/my past) like with what happened last night. And yeah I want this to work out 200% and I'm actively trying to change (gonna be a LOT easier after the 31st when I see my psychiatrist, Dr. Kairi, who is gonna adjust all my psych meds and get me on the right antipsychotic, as well as get into my first one-on-one counseling session in the outpatient rehab program I am at on the same day) so the next few days are going to be really rough for me coz I have no where to go, no where to be, barely anything to do (except work my ass off calling financial aid and getting my Pell Grant secured and hopefully getting it sooner rather than later, as well as HOPEFULLY getting some transcription jobs to bring in a little cash!) which, yeah, all the doctors and psychs have told me I need nothing but R&R, no stress, no fighting, a peaceful safe environment where I feel secure (which I do right now), and a place where I and my support system put me first for like. . .two weeks to a month upon discharge from the ward (as well as going to all my appointments and recieving stress-free treatment and help from ALL my doctors, which is a constant out here), but I mean realistically? There's just no way you can expect an environment and people (no matter how much they may care) to be like that 24/7 for that long. People are human; they can't just turn off their emotions and own problems (unless you're completely and totally neurotypical, but hey even neurotypicals have problems and can get a mood swing now and then). And, realistically, I will get restless after about 2 or 3 days of inactivity (aka R&R via just chilling and trying not to worry about anything and trying to get on a good, constant schedule with my medications. . .basically just nonstop zen environment and attitude) now so the whole R&R for two weeks or more is a little far fetched to me, too. But I'm very, very thankful that that is what I am being given right now is the treatment and environment the doctors and psychs expressed very adamantly that I needed for a few weeks after discharge. I'm trying VERY hard to talk first instead of letting my panic disorder and paranoia (via my schizo disorder) get the better of me (forcing me to jump to, oftentimes wrong, conclusions and be 200% certain that they're 100% true. . .including even mishearing things because of my paranoia which I misheard something MAJORLY MAJORLY wrong with Cody when I had overdosed and was confused and drugged and off my meds. . .which hurt him deeply because we all know he'd NEVER EVER say anything like that. . .so idk why I let my paranoia convince me otherwise). Like, last night, despite my panic and frenzy and paranoia and anger induced by the tiniest amounts of weed that I'm sure they were trying to keep away from me. It just didn't seem like it at the time; to me it seemed like they were purposefully smoking it around me and coming back and forth in the house through the door RIGHT where I am at. . .but now I'm realizing that was probably my extreme paranoia due to the weed coz I just don't believe Tawni is capable of intentionally hurting me like that. . .especially since she knows I get bad sometimes life threatening asthma attacks from it as well as the horrible psych effects of my schizo disorder so I'm sure it was 0% intentional on her part and I tried SO GODDAMN HARD to not let my paranoid thoughts control me last night when I was trying to talk to her via texts. . .idk if I did a very good job, though, coz I was EXTREMELY panicked and lightheaded by the time I contacted her about my asthma attack. . .which she knows I couldn't go into the room to talk to her like that with her two friends over when I'm sobbing hysterically, drooling, barely able to stand, hysterical in general, extremely angry and paranoid from the almost nonexistent weed (fuck my being so goddamn sensitive to it and fuck the smell being so strong ugh coz I wanna hang out with them all the time but I can't because there's normally weed around or at least the strong scent of it which means I can't be anywhere near them unfortunately) and just a full blown mess in general. So I did the only thing I could and texted her. Yeah, it kinda hurt that her friends *one of them I consider my friend as well* didn't seem to care because they just kept laughing and turning the music up high and keeping to themselves while I was on the back porch throwing up, drooling, having thick saliva coagulate in the back of my throat causing a physical blockage in my airways, and sobbing hysterically between breaths because I was so close to passing out and passing out is terrifying to me because I always think I won't wake up from it. . .and they didn't go home nor did Tawni make them go home when they were not helping the situation and only aggravating it. . .I'm really not sure if they even cared I was literally on the verge of death at that point because of how bad my asthma had gotten. . .one of the two might have because he's such a genuinely good person and I know he genuinely cares for me, but the other I have no idea coz I'm pretty sure he's either neutral or hates me, but AGAIN this ALL could just be my extreme paranoia kicking in all last night and skewing things. All I know for sure is that they didn't stop to help, they didn't check on me, they didn't stop their activities, and they didn't leave. But I didn't ask them to leave or ask Tawni to ask them to leave so I'm not entirely sure if she would have or they would have if I had asked. Maybe, maybe not. I'd like to think Tawni cares enough about my wellbeing, both physical and psychological, that she would have asked them to go home and helped me with her amazing EMT skills if I had asked. . .but I just don't ever ask for things like that coz I'm terrified of being treated/neglected like I have by other people. Which, Tawni is definitely not those people which she constantly has to remind me, but as my psychs have said when I spoke to them about my major problem with always thinking everything and everyone is going to be exactly like all my abusive ex-partners and abusive ex-environments, that that's just how PTSD works. So I'm definitely going to be bringing that up in therapy and working hard on that, along with many other things like trying to find positive coping mechanisms and ways to handle stress (other than venting, of course, which is 200% one of the healthiest things a person can do and at the top of my coping mechanisms that will most definitely make me feel better if I just vent about how I'm feeling. . .I don't put the really, really bad intrusive paranoid thoughts on here usually, though. I have a private locked online diary for those thoughts coz I know *most of the time* when I'm having intrusive, paranoid thoughts. . .another thing I will be working on in therapy) so I mean. . .I just have a VERY long recovery road ahead of me and it literallt NEEDS to be filled with 200% support and understanding from my support system. . .which is Tawni and Cody as my primary physically here support, Chelle, Janita, and Summer (and hopefully Tiffy will come around, too, because she has been in my primary LD support for a very long time now and I cherish her and do not want to lose her) as my primary long distance support, friends I've made here on tumblr and my followers in general who are always supportive of me, my family that I'm close to like my cousins, and SOMETIMES my parents. My parents are very iffy though because they like to control me in any way they can, they twist things around in order to control me and have even lied about something Tawni has said which caused a totally unnecessary fight between us, and my mom can go from being 200% loving and supportive to 500% abusive in every way (except sexually...my parents have NEVER sexually abused me. . .and now that I'm across the country, they cannot physically abuse me anymore, which my father has always been extremely physically and emotionally abusive to me almost my whole life after I grew up a little and started to think for myself and express emotions) sooooo.......my immediate family (my mom and dad) are.....questionable. If it's a physical ailment, my mom is ALWAYS 200% supportive, even if she's mad at me, but if it's something psychological. . .it is a 50/50 chance I'm either going to be supported or abused because she doesn't believe psychology exists and my dad doesn't believe emotions exist and my dad will only help me financially (most of the time...like in emergencies like when I lost my key...and he normally does not expect me to pay him back but I always do. . .whereas my mom steals money from me every once and a while and normally only pays it back halfway in a month or so or doesn't pay it back at all. . .the most she ever stole from me in one go was 300 dollars. . .but she does try to help me out financially as well as much as she can as long as she sees the financial need as "necessary" *ie; rent, bills, gas, dog food, etc*) soooo.......mom and dad are iffy. And my grandma (whose Alzheimers is EXTREMELY BAD but has been getting MUCH better with the help of a low dose antipsychotic along with her normal Alzheimers meds) told me when I called her on her birthday not long ago that I could call and vent to her anytime I needed, which she has NEVER said that to me so I was very surprised at how genuine she sounded. So I'm actually trying to become physical pen pals with my grandma since I can't visit her all the time anymore since I'm way across the country. Gonna start out light, try not to burden her with anything, but I'm gonna throw a couple general, vague things in my first few letters to see if her telling me I could vent to her is genuine or not. I'm, of course, never going to vent to her like I vent on Tumblr or in my diary; I think that would be too much for her to handle with her Alzheimers problems but I'm going to constantly remind her who I am, who my mom is to her and who I am to her, where I'm living, what I'm doing in school, and other positive things like that so she doesn't have to struggle to remember. In fact, I think I'm going to write my first letter now. I feel it's going to be very calming. And with such a peaceful, quiet environment and the 3 or so hours of good, decent REM sleep I just got, I (for once) don't have a full-blown migraine (only a mild headache which Imma take some ibuprofen for) so I think I will write her a letter now because I'm missing her dearly, even though my last physical visit with her was traumatizing. But, like everyone (staff members- professionals) who I talked to in the ward, a few worked with Alzheimers patients for years or had relatives with Alzheimers so they know how painful it can be watching the strong, sweet, loving, tender, caring person you've always known turn into this mean, rude, vindictive, malicious person. The best advice they could give me is "Grieve it as a loss and remember her as she was before the Alzheimers; not as who the Alzheimers turned her into.", which really helped. Doing that has helped me immensely. It's just so hard to grieve it as a loss while she's still physically alive. . .but I don't want her dead. . .but I don't want her to suffer like this either. . .I'm gonna fucking lose it when my grandparents die. I know they're gonna go together. They're high school sweethearts and have been together for over 70 years. So it's just going to be absolutely devastating when they die. . .I've never had a death THAT close to home before. I've had family members die. . .but no one I was extremely close to and bonded with like my grandparents. So I think I'm gonna go write that letter now while I have this wonderful, peaceful environment, courtesy of Tawni and Cody. God, I just really hope they're giving it to me and respecting me like this, knowing I went through some scary trauma last night, on purpose. I'd like to think they are. I'm not going to let my paranoia control me and make me convinced of the worst of two wonderful people who have been there for me from day 1. I'm just going to think about them doing this on purpose because they love me and genuinely care about me and not let my negative, paranoid thoughts get the better of me. I love and appreciate them both dearly and even I have a hard time showing it sometimes (like how I've been the past couple weeks. . .courtesy of my schizo disorder going rampant, me being irresponsible with my meds and letting the voices in my head and paranoia control me). So. . .I guess we will see. I'm just so thankful for everything they've ever done for me and for what they are doing for me now. I just hope it's all on purpose. Fingers crossed. ♡
