"Bombs Away!"
The SECOND Bad Batch Comedy One Shot in the ONE SHIT SERIES
Background: Total sibling drama...ramped up to 1,000! Thankfully this was BEFORE Echo joined, because he would NOT have stayed with these idiots!!! Luckily Omega was spared as well. Set after my one shit "Silent But Deadly" and before "Who Dealt It?". I purposely did not assign a gender to the Twi'lek neighbor for reader reasons. Are YOU, dear reader, the lucky Twi'lek to meet The Batch?
To read #1 in the series:
https://www.tumblr.com/skellymom/739302379984388096/silent-but-deadly?source=share
Word count: 2.4K
Warning: Total Bathroom Humor. Farts, stinky humor, suggestion of poop, swearing, middle finger, some nudity, someone does Lula dirty.
The Marauder was peacefully quiet as Hunter emerged from the refresher. Tech had dimmed down the lights before chaperoning Wrecker and Crosshair out for an evening on the town.
This past week had been a daunting one for Hunter’s senses and he needed a respite from EVERYTHING.
Hunter tossed his towel away, standing buck naked, and stretched. He’d sleep without the restrictiveness of clothing tonight. The thought made him smile and exhale with a rumble of pleasure.
Leaning over the bunk, he pulled back the crisp immaculately made sheets. Hunter inhaled expecting the scent of a clean bed...
...and nearly fainted!
A horrible miasma of stench assaulted his nose, almost suffocating him!
Hunter jumped back and yanked the refresher door open, flipping on the fan. Then sprinted out of the bunk area, slamming the door shut to block the stink in.
What was supposed to be a comforting night turned out to be nothing close. He was angry about the practical joke. Crosshair knew better! Hunter KNEW it was Crosshair...it has his scent all over it!
While pondering WHY Cross would do such a thing, Hunter strolled over to the pilot's chair and sat down. His rear end contacted the Marauder’s cold rough upholstery.
“DANK FERRICK!” Hunter forgot he was naked as a Noghri and shot back up from the seat. Standing right in front of the windscreen. His loud exclamation caught the attention of the Twi’lek who was inspecting their ship. The ship parked 20 feet away from the Marauder.
The Twi’lek stared at Hunter with a shocked expression. Hunter immediately covered his “goods” with both hands and grinned with embarrassment. The Twi’lek smiled back, signed a thumbs up, winked, and boarded their ship.
“Did I just make a friend???” Hunter was stymied. This was ANYTHING BUT a relaxing night.
**********************
Hunter confronted Crosshair the next morning.
“WHY would you DO something like that!?”
“NO IDEA what you’re going on about Hunter,” Cross sneered. “Heard you have an admirer.”
“Don’t change the subject. I could...smell it was YOU!”
Crosshair just smiled at Hunter’s distress, then walked away.
“We aren’t done here!” Why was Crosshair being so difficult and evasive?
“No... WE certainly aren’t.” Cross flashed his gaze at Wrecker and Tech then exited the Marauder.
Hunter threw up his hands in frustration and walked away.
******************************
“WHY would you DO THAT TO LULA?!” Wrecker lamented.
“I think you know why.” Cross didn’t even bother to look up from polishing his Firepuncher.
Wrecker just stood in shock, then growled “It’s personal now!”
He reeled back and smacked Cross upside the head with Lula, knocking the toothpick from his mouth.
Crosshair threw down his equipment and jumped up, both hands balled into fists.
Wrecker grabbed Cross from the front of his armor, lifting the skinny sniper over his head and began to shake his brother senselessly.
“KNOCK IT OFF!!!”
Both brothers stopped and gazed at Hunter who was now standing in the doorway. Tech had heard the row and pulled Hunter from his conversation with the Twi’lek neighbor to break it up.
“Wrecker! Put Crosshair down!!!”
“AWWW! Can’t you smell what he DID to Lula???”
“Yes...cough...I certainly can.”
“Down. NOW.”
“Grrrr...” Wrecker opened his hand and Cross dropped on his ass upon the metal decking.
“He had it COMING!” Crosshair shot back.
“Just what do you mean?” Hunter inquired.
Cross opened his mouth to expound, then noticed Tech standing behind Hunter. “Are...you RECORDING all of THIS?”
Hunter turned to look at Tech “REALLY???”
Cross was now pissed at a second brother today. “You aren’t going to upload that to your asinine MUMBLER Holoaccount are YOU???”
“It’s STUMBLR” Tech proudly proclaimed adjusting his goggles. “And I may be persuaded to as my ‘asinine followers’ will enjoy watching you get your comeuppance!”
“NERD!”
“Thank you. This won’t be the first time I uploaded your detestable behavior on my Holonet Platform. You currently have 1,892 ‘Frenemies’ on STUMBLR, Crosshair.”
Crosshair flipped off Tech.
Wrecker spoke up “Aye Tech, are you still recording?”
“Yes. ALL the time.”
“GOOD!” Wrecker resumed repeatedly whacking Crosshair across the head with Lula.
“I CAN’T with you guys...” Hunter sighed and walked off the ship to find the Twi’lek.
***********************
Things had died down after a few days. Mostly because everyone kept to themselves and didn’t try to antagonize each other. The sun set and each clone went off to their bunk...
...except for Tech who stayed up to maintenance the Marauder. He sipped his caf then grabbed the power driver to unscrew an inner panel on the ship. As he freed the first bolt, it dropped to the decking and almost narrowly escaped through the small gaps in the floor. Tech caught the bolt with his shoe just in time.
Picking up the bolt he mused, I need to sequester you and your little friends in something secure.
He riffled through his toolbox, looking for something...
I know it’s here...put it back myself... Tech didn’t remember moving ir... Ah, there you are. His hands closed around a small glass jar he had saved for a ‘just in case’ project. He smiled widely as this was the perfect use for the receptacle he had squirreled away for so long.
Tech unscrewed the top of the jar and dropped the bolt in...
...as a horrible odor punched him SQUARE in the NOSE!
Tech gagged and dropped the jar. It hit the decking and exploded loudly into a thousand little shards. The bolt shot out and made its way to a hole in the decking. Tech leapt forward attempting to catch the bolt before he lost it to the underside of the Marauder. He slipped on a large piece of glass and went down on both hands...
...on top of more glass...
...to watch the bolt, disappear through the decking...
...Tech could hear it descend though the guts of the ship...TINK...TINK...TINK...
Then it was gone.
The ruckus woke Hunter. “Tech...you ok?” In his sleepy groggy voice.
Tech pulled his hands up from the floor. Luckily there were no injuries, but the glass shredded both gloves...HIS GOOD PAIR. Tech struggled to keep his voice free of irritated sass. “Yes.”
“Eh...you sure?”
“Quite. Get some sleep Hunter.”
Tech heard Hunter mumble sleepily and turn over in his bunk. Wrecker never stopped loudly snoring. Crosshair however...Tech listened intently...Cross was TOO quiet.
Techs brows furrowed angrily and thought to himself YOU BASTARD! Well...one good turn deserves another!!! He stood, removed the glass embedded gloves, and vowed REVENGE on Crosshair’s head.
*********************
The morning sun peeped up over the horizon as Hunter rolled out of his bunk, more refreshed than he had been in quite a while. He stretched, scratched his bum, and wandered out in his pj’s to grab some caf.
Tech had made a fresh pot, and apparently been up all night. Didn’t strike Hunter as out of the ordinary. Tech usually pulled all-nighters to work on his projects.
“Morning.” Hunter reached for the carafe.
Tech blocked him with a freshly poured mug of caf. “Take this, Hunter.”
“Eh...ok...thanks.” Hunter sniffed the mug then cocked his head and caught the scent of the coffee in the carafe. There was a very slight difference in odor notes, which didn’t slip past Hunter at all.
Tech caught Hunter’s body language. “This is the caf you prefer. That...” Tech nodded his head towards the carafe “...is Crosshairs.”
“Yeeah, ok.” Hunter shook his head, slid into a seat, and decided to just let it go. He sipped his caf, eyes closed to revel in the warm richness of his brew.
Five minutes later Crosshair emerged from the refresher. Showered and shaved, wearing only a crisp white towel around his waist. He arrogantly strolled through the ship and made his way to the caf. “Good morning.”
Hunter opened his eyes and noticed Tech intently watching Crosshair.
Cross grabbed a large mug and filled it to the brim. He took a hefty gulp and sighed. “Oh look...Hunter, your friend is out and about.”
Crosshair straightened up, puffed out his chest and waved seductively at the Twi’lek neighbor. “Rather attractive...”
“Are you FLIRTING???” Hunter growled.
“Jealous?” Crosshair shot back eyeing Hunter while sipping from the mug.
Tech rolled his eyes. But kept intently watching Crosshair.
“I might have to go over and introduce myself...right after I finish my caf.”
“I don’t give a WOMP RATS ASS what YOU do!”
“Did I ruffle your feathers, Hunter? Just trying to be friendly.” Cross drained his mug and set it on the counter. “Since our Sergeant likes to keep the dress code...casual, guess I will too.” He made a beeline for the Marauders outdoor hatch...still wearing NOTHING but the towel.
Hunter shot up out of his seat “DON’T you DARE go out there!”
Crosshair stopped in his tracks, not because Hunter forbade him from leaving the Marauder...
...but because Cross looked suddenly uncomfortable. Then his stomach loudly gurgled. Crosshair turned around now rethinking his earlier plan.
“What did YOU DO?” Crosshair demanded an answer from Tech.
Tech glared back with a diabolical grin. “Punishing your flatulent activity.”
“WHAT???” Both Cross and Hunter exclaimed.
“For the ‘Fart Jar’ Fiasco last night.”
“What jar?” Crosshair held his belly and started to sweat.
“The one in my toolkit you left a...” surprise” in. Honestly Crosshair, you’re acting obtuse.”
“Seriously? Why can’t you all stop touching each other's stuff???” Hunter felt like the ONLY adult on the ship.
Louder gurgling from Crosshair’s belly while he shook his sweaty head. An abdominal cramp had him doubling over. “Not m...”
“THAT WAS ME!” Everyone turned to see Wrecker standing in the doorway, wearing his Republic Underoos, clutching Lula.
“WHAT?” exclaimed Hunter, Tech, and a very painful Crosshair.
“I uh...wanted to get Crosshair back for crop dusting Lula...” He looked VERY guilty.
“Lula had it coming because I was blamed for you stinking up Hunter’s bed!”
“Wait...WHAT?” Hunter was seriously confused. “It SMELLED like Crosshair!”
“Yeah...” Wrecker scratched the back of his neck. “...because I KNOW how to build a stinkbomb.”
Hunter’s face dropped “WHY would you DO THAT to ME???”
Tech chimed in befuddled. “Yes, PLEASE explain WHY you would retaliate against Hunter and I when WE did NOTHING to you???”
“Because...’Wrecker paused and exhaled, then looked at all three of his brothers with fierce conviction. “I wanted to get one over on Cross for LETTING me get blamed by the 212th during our mission on Anaxis! AND because the two of YOU didn’t think I was SMART ENOUGH to pull off something like this!!!”
Hunter and Tech stared like deer in the headlights then glanced at each other.
“TELL ME you all DON’T assume I’m ALWAYS the DUMB one???” Wrecker crossed his arms over his chest.
“OH KRIFF!” Crosshair grabbed his bum with both hands and shuffled off to the refresher. He was ignored by his brothers to deal with his fate.
Hunter spoke first with humility. “NEVER thought you were dumb. Probably do underestimate you at times though. Wrecker, I promise to NEVER do this from now on.”
Wrecker turned to Tech now putting his hands on his hips. “WELL???”
“I’m IMPRESSED.”
Wrecker was mildly shocked.
“Your planning, ingenuity, divide and conquer strategy to create infighting and steer the blame away from yourself...I would ONLY consider such a diabolical scheme from Crosshair.” Tech pushed his glasses up his nose.
“Speaking of which...HOPE he made it to the refresher.” Hunter glanced behind him.
Tech sighed with remorse. “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions and spiked his caf.”
“Wrecker NO!”
Wrecker was drinking straight from the carafe (which he usually did due to not having a mug big enough for the clone). Hunter yanked it from Wrecker grasp.
“SPIT!” Wrecker spit the heaping mouthful right back into the carafe.
“Wrecker, you didn’t swallow any cafe, did you?” Tech was EXTREMELY concerned.
“Nope.”
“THANK STARS! Here.” Tech pulled out a Saleucami Delight Juice Box and handed it to Wrecker.
“Do I REALLY want to know what’s in THAT caf???” Hunter swirled the liquid inside the carafe with concern.
“Negative” Tech took the carafe from Hunter and promptly poured it down the Marauder’s galley sink.
*********************
There were horrible noises emanating from the refresher. The smell was no better. Hunter refused to step any closer than the outside door to the bunk room. Held his nose the whole time. Tech sent Wrecker, whose sense of smell was next to nothing to check on Crosshair.
Wrecker gently knocked on the refresher door with his huge fist. “How ya holdin’ up, Cross?”
Nothing.
Then...a small weak strangled voice could be heard from behind the refresher door. “Wrecker...”
“...Yeah?”
“...I’m sorry...” More silence. “...never again...ok?”
“Ok Brother. I’ll...just leave ya to...finish.”
“Mmhm...” More sounds and whimpering.
“Oof.” Wrecker shook his head and walked off to join Hunter and Tech with palpable concern. “Is he gonna be ok?”
“Other than being moderately dehydrated and extremely chapped...most likely. However, he WILL be spending a full day in the refresher.”
Hunter shook his head, rolling his eyes. “Looks like I’m not getting a shower today.”
There was a knock at the Marauder gangplank.
Hunter strolled over and opened the hatch. Their Twi’lek neighbor appeared dressed in Meiloorun pajama bottoms and a tee with the words “I got high in Cloud City” emblazoned on it.
“Hi! Saw everyone was up. Wanted to invite you all over for breakfast at my place.” Pointing to their ship. “Figured since you like to go ‘casual’ I’d catch you early.” Sly grin and a wink.
Hunter grinned and chuckled. “That’s lovely...uh...unfortunately we’re experiencing an issue with our refresher...”
“You and your brothers can use mine!” The Twi’lek smiled warmly. “Uh...unless...It’s not TOO forward a thing to offer?” Nervously twisting their lekku.
“Not at all. LADS! We’ve been invited to breakfast AND to use our neighbor's refresher!” Then followed the delighted Twi’lek to their ship.
“WHOOO-HOOO!” Wrecker was off the ship in a flash, still in his Underoos clutching Lula.
Tech paused and looked back towards the refresher. Should he bother Crosshair now with this new development? He was sure Crosshair would figure it out. Tech shrugged, besides he wasn’t going ANYWHERE anytime soon. Descending the Marauder’s gangplank Tech decided he would check on Cross later.
******************
Back in the refresher, Crosshair heard EVERYTHING. He was damned if they were going to leave and have breakfast without him. Besides...his stomach was starting to feel a tiny bit better...
...then he was hit with ANOTHER deep abdominal cramp!
Crosshair pulled the last few squares off the roll beside him. DANK FERRICK! WAS IT SO KRIFFING HARD TO REPLACE THE ROLL??? Gritting his teeth, it was going to be a full toothpick pack kind of day. Cross felt around beside him and found the spare refresher paper package...
...to find it TOTALLY EMPTY! Crosshair was beyond pissed...so pissed he could have launched himself off the refresher seat into hyperspace!!!
WREEEEECKERRRRR!!!
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To read #3 in the series:
https://www.tumblr.com/skellymom/739120829947871232/who-delt-it?source=share