save the boys, save the world
I got a pretty offensive anon ask today about why I seem to care so much about the needs of men and very little about the needs of women. I'm not sharing it here because I won't have that language under my name even if it's not mine. The gist of the argument was that women are the victims (we'll come back to that) and therefore should be the ones getting help. As someone who lived as a victim of a man for many many years, I want to make my case.
I was, my siblings were, my mothers were, victims and we did deserve help. We still deserve help, because we are still the women he built, still recovering to this day. But I would argue that if someone had taken the time to help him, we would never have needed to be helped in the first place.
What my father needed, what so many men need, is a world in which men are allowed to, and taught to, express their feelings in constructive ways. They need to be given the skills and freedom to say this hurts, I'm hurting, I'm angry or I'm sad and I don't know what to do with it. They need to grow up in a world where men cry not just because they are overwhelmed, but also because some things are just too beautiful. They need concrete lessons in empathy and encouragement to use it. They need to be allowed to fail and start over without shame. They need to be able to dress/be/love however they like without being seen as somehow less.
I'm never going to stop yelling about the needs of boys and men because we are failing them and it hurts us all. Do I think women deserve help? Are you kidding me? I'm a survivor of domestic assault who worked with victims of domestic assault for years. I think women deserve the world for carrying the burdens we've been handed, but every time someone says "boys will be boys" they undo my work and that makes me livid.
If you really want to help the little girl I used to be, teach boys to love. Teach them that emotions are messy and difficult and natural. Teach them that there are infinite ways to be a man and that all of them are equally valid. Love boys. Love men. Love them without condition. The best ones I know are fighting everyday against the expectations we've put on them and without our support, we're going to continue to feel the fallout. We helped build the men who hurt us and I, for one, think it's time to stop.












