The Care and Feeding of Q
Rule 01: Q requires periodic interpersonal and intellectual challenges. Luckily, his position as head of a department that specializes in engineering and programming breakthroughs tends to provide sufficient stimulation. He has proven able and willing to guide boffins and agents alike into more productive behaviors.
Rule 02: Q requires daily rest. He may try to insist otherwise, but you can usually use his cats as an excuse to make him go home. Be aware that he will curse like a sailor if you forcefully try to make him leave the premises. It’s much easier to wait until he’s so tired that you can “trick” him into ‘just having a drink’ or ‘just getting some fresh air,’ etc., and feign shock that the spot you’re taking fresh air in just so happens to have a vehicle waiting to take him home. This pretense allows both of you to avoid a confrontation and keeps Q from feeling like he is somehow not being true to the significant loyalty he feels to the Service.
Rule 03: Q requires consistent access to high-security Internet. You don’t want to know what he’ll do to amuse himself when he can’t go on a Wiki wander. The cleaning staff still mutter about the cursed day that the WiFi went out.
Rule 04: Q is excellent at planning lunches and dinners for himself, usually bringing at least two healthy options from home, but he occasionally needs reminded to eat them when he’s been forced to work through the meal alert on his mobile. His diet also tends to be monotonous (lots of prepackaged salads and deli items, or perhaps the same homemade lunch five times in a row) and he will thrive with the introduction of a variety of take-away items when working late into the night. Be aware that despite his slender stature, Q can and will out-eat anyone who challenges him.
Rule 05: Q needs consistent access to his cats. He gets grumpy and touch-starved when he has to stay away from them for too long. For this reason, and because the cats provide positive mental health benefits for most of the staff, a cat-friendly working area has been created in Q Branch.
Rule 06: Don’t take the hair seriously. Despite his nerdy appearance, Q will eat you for breakfast and shit you right out again if you cross him or those he considers under his protection. On the other hand, if you do well by him and his, he goes out of his way to provide rewarding yet work-related activities (e.g., gadget-testing opportunities, surprise lunch meetings with that take-away you like, etc).
Rule 07: Q thrives with frequent exposure to novel mental challenges and unpredictable behaviors. Due to his high intellect and advanced predictive abilities, he particularly enjoys ‘safe’ surprises. (This is one reason he likes his cats; their capacity for mischief adds a pleasant element of unpredictability to his day.) These surprises can be pleasant (an unexpected favor or treat) or humorous (a prank). The more times you surprise Q, the easier it will be for him to predict you, unless you vary your pattern substantially. Also, if he figures out that you’re the one surprising him, he will attempt to surprise you back, following the same rules of engagement. Be warned that the Surprise Game only ends when one of you is dead.
Rule 00: Yes, he laughs at his own jokes, but never forget that he’s a highly dangerous genius. Equally, never forget that he’s human, not a machine. If you hurt him, I’ll hurt you. If you have any questions or there’s an emergency, call me. –Bond
