Balance. Balance is hard. I mean look at the brave men and woman who walk the high wire without a net beneath them to save them from the inevitable bloody mess their body would make splattering on the ground if they fell. That's dark. Even for me. Moving on... where was I? OH Balance. Other than the previously mentioned, day to day Balance for day to day people is hard. And it's not just hard for the sheeple. I used to sit with this scrawny little kitten for hours on end after work. Letting her jump on me run around me pretend to attack me. And then, well life changed. Don't get me wrong. Actually you can take this however you see fit but when he returned I retreated. I've written, spoken, prayed and mulled this over in my mind more times than anyone would want to hear about especially since I began to bore myself. But he arrived... and I was there to welcome him. I had no idea that my soul, ugg fuck that I'm so tired of saying "soul" he and I were about to set out on a journey rushed and pushed by the guiding winds that support us and I was all in. But it came at a cost. Does everything good and meaningful come at a cost? I have yet to over think that idea but I'm sure it's on one of my lists. So I'll speak on just this...I stopped sitting with the kitten everyday. I stopped sitting with every kitten. Okay, okay I tried...metaphorically speaking I stopped everything. Everything stopped me except for him. To this point we've spoken. He and I. "We needed that time together" "we bonded by spending every waking hour, fuck every sleeping hour together and I relished in it. I sat comfortably on the most beautiful pink cloud I had ever had put before me. Because after all he was sent. I mean I know that so surely by now you must know the same. Balance. "All in" is an absurd statement. I was, I am I forever will be all in but it will always come at a cost. Balance, what price can I put on that compared to what we have.
I suppose my point if I were to ever arrive at one would be that balance doesn't exist. It is talked about in self help books, TV shows, fuck even church. But in my house there is no balance but there is more than enough love to even the scale on the triple beam. (You'll only get that if you were a 90's burnout and that's okay) I'm going to stop looking for balance except where absolutely necessary and I may even begin to live my life like every day is the last in this realm. Of course there is the little one. I'll continue to try my best to parent her with some of the ideology I was brought up on but only for this single reason... so that she too can one day question "what is balance. Do I need it, can I attain it and does it directly affect my love for myself and others?" IF not... fuck balance. EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE.
5/25/24
