yeah uh idk im feeling feels right now and i hate it so listen to this
tw: angst, abvse, domestic violence so pleease be warned already
the first time simon sees his dad in himself is when he beats the shit out of someone for the first time, when he was in primary school. it wasn't the bloodied knuckles, the sting of his cheek from the other boy's clenched fist, or the explosive reaction that was directed at him from his teacher.
no, it was when simon finally knocked the kid to the ground and he recognizes that look.
it wasn't full of disdain and anger like he expected. it was widened eyes, tense body as the kid sobbed quietly, pulling his knees close to his chest. the kid was begging, pleading.
it reminded simon riley of his mum, how she did the same thing when she didn't want his dad to hurt tommy or him. the blonde boy shook his fist before.. he pulled away.
simon who was taken to the principal's office. the yelling wasn't as bad, the lectures from his teacher was the least of his worries.
the worst part about it was his mum, coming to pick him up. it was his mum pulling him into the car and hugging him. it was the fact she was murmuring apologies into his ear and saying to be careful.
the unspoken words of: don't end up like your father.
it was the fact that his mum had the same look she had when she looked at his pa. eyes watery, lips purwsed, fingers tense around simon's shoulders.
fear.
simon knows that his mum didn't mean it but.. she couldn't take that look back, not when simon sees it again later that night when his dad reeks of beer, his fists clenched too tight, and a blooming purple on his mum.
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the next time simon sees his dad in himself is when he gets assigned to train a bunch of rookies. went too far and price lectures the shit out of him for being too rough.
the lectures from his superior doesn't bother him too much anymore. the scent of cigar smoke that permeated price's office, nothing like that.
death could stare simon in the eye and he'd still blink, simon couldn't be fucked about consequences from price or the permanence of death.
no, it was what simon said.
"capn', he fucking deserved it. shouldn't h've been talking back so damn much."
and price doesn't hesitate, he sends simon to run fucking laps in the bitter cold that has his sergeants snickering. simon wasn't worried about a run, feels like baby shit.
but as he ran, the lieutenant found himself thinking a bit too much. years since he had last thought about his dad, almost a decade or more since he had compared his fists, his hair, his eyes, everything to his dad.
it had been years since he had last seen his pa, simon practically didn't remember much anymore. some shit about the brain protecting you from trauma.
but he sure as fuck remembered his mom's warnings. don't end up like your pa.
but.. the bitter cold couldn't compare to the shiver that ran down his entire body. didn't matter what he looked like.
no simon was worried that he was ending up more like him.
like his shitty fuckin' pa. it didn't help he looked like him.
now he was acting like his dad. his mom was right.
simon was going to end up like his dad. he looks and acts like him.
