(for @tolkiengenweek day 1: family, but veering into a lot of other topics, too)
the relationships of the third-gen Finweans and their parents are so complex... the Feanorians with the Oath with/to Feanor; the Nolofinweans with their loyalty to their father versus their personal desires; the Arafinweans with the father who left them behind - no, who turned back without them.
but think of their mothers, all of whom remained in Valinor. with Nerdanel, that is no surprise; after all, she and Feanor were separated long before that. and the Arafinweans must understand why their mother would refuse to leave Alqualonde after the Kinslaying (and even before).
but the Nolofinweans! surely Fingolfin and Anaire were the model of a married couple! a contrast to Feanor and Nerdanel's volatility; stalwartly Noldorin compared to Finarfin's more Telerin sympathies. how could she abandon them? (or is it they who abandoned her?)
I think there's a lot going into Anaire's reasoning for staying: out of universe, Tolkien didn't seem to give many women the agency or 'corruptibility' to be exiles (Aredhel and Galadriel are the notable exceptions; even Elenwe, who also leaves, is killed off before doing anything interesting; and Galadriel stays out of politics for the First Age)
but in universe, Anaire stays for friendship with Earwen. they're sisters-in-law, they must have found kinship together that they didn't with Nerdanel. we don't have details on how close they were before or after the Exile, but it must have been a significant relationship for them to both turn from their husbands and toward each other. (don't forget, Finarfin did go into Exile, even after the Kinslaying, and only returned when the Doom was proclaimed. I don't think his wife gave him an especially cheerful welcome.)
another aspect of Anaire's choice here is, perhaps, related to the Valar and her faith. her name means 'holiest.' my headcanon is that she is very devout; the fanon amilesse for Fingon is Astaldo, sharing a name with Tulkas himself, and I give Anaire a particular affinity with Nessa, and of course Turgon is canonically associated with Ulmo. if she viewed her children and husband as rebelling against the Valar, perhaps she chose her faith over her family.
is it a selfish choice? is it one she regrets? is it one her children feel betrayed over? or is it a choice that shows she is more than a wife and mother, that she is a friend, a devotee, a person in her own right?
Anaire did not follow her children into Exile. none of the Finwean wives did, including Indis.
how did they learn of their children's fates? how did they feel knowing they were not there to protect them? how did they feel knowing there was no way they could have saved them, even if they had followed?
it seems the Doom lays heavy upon all the Noldor, not only the Exiles.












