#the belgian

[lehoeing]

Guns & Thrills

[lehoeing]

Leo Gregory as The Belgian in Queen of Diamonds (2019)

[lehoeing]

Introduction to The Belgian

[radioactivepigeons]

Boys are stupid. My brain is being stupid. He's not interested. Period. We're good friends, and Im a bad feminist for this behavior. Aaarrrgggg. I need to stop chasing and just... look. If something happens, it will happen. (It won't.) Otherwise... well, Im lonely here, but its not bad. Im happy with work, mostly. Im living this life that I think I only ever dreamed about. I just had a really good week with my amazingly stable family. (We're weird, but like, the good kind fo weird. Like, "Dabbling push the cart so your dad can read" and teaching my cousin's kid how to count people for dinner and toddler lying to her mother so she can play in the lake weird.)

And, anyway, it doesn't matter how much I keep analyzing. It doesn't matter how many people make assumptions. (A guy and a girl can be friends. Particularly if the girl can keep her head out of her ass and not be a creep. And seriously, pigeon, why can't you stop?) He's not interested and I need to move on if we're going to be friends. We're not particuarly close. He's going to spend Christmas with his ex (who is way prettier than I am). Just... I need to give it up and move on.

Why is that so damn hard?

[radioactivepigeons]

So, last night, for my birthday, I went to dinner with my college roommate, T (not to be confused with my coworker T) and her husband, B. Oh, and the Belgian joined us. (I tried to invite a couple of other coworkers, but they weren't avaliable and/or I was really glad it was the four of us.)

We went to this taco place I like but only go when Im out with people. They have some really fun vegetarian tacos, some good meat tacos, and its fun and its right by the beach. So, the three of us got a table, and started talking, and they were giving me shit about their wedding. (The first and only night in my demi-sexual life that I actually thought about bringing a guy home.) And then, The Belgian shows up. And gives me the BIGGEST birthday hug. Like, almost lifts me off my feet. (He's a good 6 feet tall. I am... 5'4. And have terrible posture.)

And then, we like sat and ate. T and I got off track and talked about people from school. Because most are married and have kids. I think this is what happens when you go to Catholic school. Or, maybe, this is what happens when you're in your late 20s. But, like, a bunch of our friends are married. And have kids. Or dogs. And I hope are happy. Also, T knows everyone.

But, like, IDK, we talked about other stuff too? I hope? Im terrible.

Oh, and then I got buzzed. And kept apologizing that I am a light weight. But, the drink was stronger than I'm used to. I think because they told the waiter it was my birthday? Or else because the drinks were strong. And then, we went and had a beer after. Because The Belgian is a beer geek and my city is a good city for beer, and because I wanted to stay out.

They brought this free brithday taco for me & T, because she's 1 day younger than I am. (Happy Birthday T!) And then we went for gelato. I should have gotten the dairy free galato, because milk and I have a tenous at best relationship at this stage. Which is to say that I adore cheese, but most other dairy products make me feel kind of bloated and a little bit hung over. And then we walked down to the beach to see the sea lions. And T & B claim that they amused themselves taking pictures of the seals. And, the Belgian adn I like watched the water. And talked about the book he finished reading, and the one hes going to read, and the number Ive read. (I read a lot... I dont typically mention fan fiction when I admit to reading, but I read a lot of fan fiction and a lot of books. And I should really get my bike fixed and get a library card.) And then, movies. And his nephew's first communion. And his neice. And being home with his family. And...

And then we got a beer. And talked about work. And he turned like pink when he admitted that his research interest was spurred by a one night stand. (Then again, he's also the guy who admitted that he was "nice and likes vaginas." (Although Im also pretty sure that he either overheard work T and I talking, or else work T messaged him... because my coworkers enjoy messing with me.)

And then, we were trying to get a Lyft home. Because I hate driving if I dont have to. And, I knew I was going to be drinking. (I hate driving because I find it kind of unpredictable. And because sometimes between anxiety and ADD and whatever, I dont necessarily see other cars. And because its not a lot of fun to explain to someone that you're stranded until your blood sugar hits something near reasonable... But, then the Belgian offered to drive us home. Which was really nice.

And, like, T and B approve. Which is good. And said he was flirting with me. Which is also good, I think.

And, all this is very complicated. And my anxiety trips me up a lot. And tomorrow I have to face my job. But, Im glad my best friend and her husband like him. Im glad that they got along okay. Im kind of glad we got to hang out by the sea mammals in the reflected glow of a police... thing over at the other beach.

Like, all in all, it was a good birthday dinner.

[radioactivepigeons]

Today?

I needed to borrow a bike today. Naturally, I couldn't find P, who is near my size. Or Q. who’s is also near my size. So, I asked J from Ohio (at least 6'1), the Belgian (6'1, maybe?) and Y. (5'10?). I got Y's bike because (1) he was around, (2) he's a saint and (3) his bike had a lock. It's a good thing I took Y's bike, or mostly a good thing. I ended up falling off four times. The first three were in front of our building where I determined that I could not, in fact, balance on the bike unless I dropped the bike seat by a lot, and once because I overbalanced and fell into the bushes. The Belgian wouldn't have lent me a helmet, and J. wouldn't have thought to offer (even though he's in Colorado), so its good it was Y. ...And, when I told the Belgian about it, he laughed at me. Because if I didn't fit on Y's bike, I wouldn't fit on his. ...Except that this makes me want to borrow his bike, and see if I can fit. I also kind of want a road bike, since they look life fun. Instead, I think I'm going to buy a cheap bike for the short people (like those of us 5'8 and shorter), paint in hot pink, and give it a really obvious combination for the group, like a reference to the type of chemistry we do. And then, the tall people can figure out their own bikes.

I keep procrastinating on this paper that I need to send out yesterday and packing and cleaning my rat cage, even though Im going out for drinks tomorrow and then I'm on vacation Thursday and Friday. Except that Im super stressed about the paper.

I may be having people over for Easter? T. and I had this conversation about Easter traditions here and in Poland. I guess midnight mass on Christmas is a Thing there, and then there's 6 am Easter mass. ...My parents have been 5 pm Christmas Eve people since I was in elementary school, and 10 am on Easter. Except that I sort of adore the Easter Vigil because I love order and procession and feeling like This Is Tradition.

I sent the Belgian music from the Book of Mormon and Avenue Q. ...He seemed to like it. Not entirely understand what I'd sent him, but appreciate it.

I got this email from my boss following up on a poster I made in like... 10 hours a couple of weeks ago. Apparently he'd proposed it as an abstract for a journal article Im going to write.

It was Tuesday, and we didn't have the good burritos, but I had guac anyway. It was not as good as the vegetarian burrito with guac and beans that I normally get, but it was still a burrito. I am a creature of habit and I like burritos on Tuesdays.

I may still get to go to Mexico? T. at least, still wants to go to Mexico. This is good. T and the Belgian are like my best friends in lab, and this means we should go to foreign country together (so I can practice carrying my passport like the rest of my coworkers) to look at art, architecture, and alcohol.

Tomorrow there is post-doc happy hour. I'm looking forward to post doc happy hour. I like the guy who organizes it.

I have a visitor coming next week, and there are still so many things to do to prepare!

[radioactivepigeons]

This week featured an inordinate number of conversations trying to determine what a “dick swinging contest” looks like. This has yet to be determined, but The BoysTM are stuck on the phrase, and keep giggling when it comes up.

Paintball was today. It went. I'm bruised, but pleased. I mother-henned at every one which included literally counting players, telling everyone to fill out their damn waivers and then not filling out my own, and keeping track of the money. Also, bringing a cake. Because I am not an adult, I also kind of had a minor freak out over Y bringing his roommate to play with us (who I thought was going to come play with us, ntil Y introduced his girlfriend?!?!?! on Wednesday, except that he came anyway because Y's roommate likes to drive and Y hates to drive and there were no other cars leaving their neighboorhood. Some of my coworkers were predictably good at paintball. A few were unpredictably good. And the Belgian and I had this round where we were the last two standing and I clearly didn't understand the rules of the game. So I won. Sort of.

S. and T. actually stayed out and had fun. S. said it was worth driving his wife and her friend to LA and babysitting his toddler to get to come play paintball with us. So, I think that’s good?

We also had dinner last night: the Belgian, P my graudate student, and J from Ohio. (J from Ohio, as opposed to J the Ant Man, J the badass, JA who is dating E, J used to work for us and studied dead things, J who started her own company, J who had fabulous moustash and then had a baby... have you noticed a trend yet? There are a lot of J names). We tried to go have ramen, but it was Friday, so we ended up at hotpot instead. I made a mess. I usually make a mess. I'm also terrible with chopsticks. And anyway, mid way through dinner, L, the Belgian's girlfriend shows up. And things kind of get more awkward. Because J asks the people next to us to move. And because J talks about work a lot (in fairness, so do I, just like, less about classifiers and more about shit) and L was referencing movies that J and I had seen (okay, I saw them and I assume J has seen them? but, IDK... stuff like Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Buffy) but that P and the Belgian hadn't seen because they're not American. And she and I had a quick "Lent" asside, which I think the Belgian got, but P. and maybe J? didn't? And, like, the whole thing was awkward. And I felt bad.

And of course, J. missed all of the subtext about anything that was awkward about having L. join us. I'm pretty sure she knows about my whatever for the Belgian. I'm pretty sure he knows about my whatever. I think we could have taken all the subtext, packed it into the barrel of a paintball gun, shot J. with said subtext until it covered the pants he planned to wear when he flew home at like 8 tonight and still not understand what had just happened.

P. and I ended up staying out until like, 1 last night just talking. And eating ice cream. Because we're adults. And, I'm so proud of P. I told P. how proud I am of her. ...We also may have gossiped out labmates, including the observation that one coworker is epically dramatic and tends to drap himself across furnature "I'm soo depressed, Pigeon".

And so, then, like, P. decides that the Belgian and I would be better together than the Beglian and L. Which is like both cute, and feels a little bit like "I want the teachers to get together!" and maybe also "I want my friends to be happy". Which lead to her suggesting that we try to do tango together on Thursdays. I will probably go tango with P. because I was literally talking to my therapist about how I have these weird barriers around touch from when I was in my masters and stuff, and how maybe touch in a structured enviroment would make it safer?

We also had this discussion about how I broke up with Y's roommate because I didnt trust him, and not just because I wasnt physically attracted to him. (And I didnt trust him because I think I sent the wrong signals, and then my tongue was in his mouth, and he was gentle, but I couldnt tell him the things I felt like he needed to know? And, now, hes going to NYU anyway. So, yeah. I dunno. I do think its okay to break up with someone because you don't trust them with your body, and you're constantly holding yourself to be someone else when you're with them. Which is what I told P. Its probably less okay to lust after your coworker - who is a flirt and knows he's pretty - because you do trust him. At least, you trust him enough to let him drive your car, and see you fall apart. Even though the coworker sort of flirts with you.

Except for the whole thing where if I had someone to have quickies with on afternoons I was off from work, I wouldn't be calling his or T.'s sorry ass to come pick me up from Urgent Care when I pass out from a perfectly routine blood draw and not a low blood sugar. Also, for the record, my blood sugar does not only go low because I failed to eat something I maybe should have eaten. It also goes low because I had alcohol, or exercised today, or exercised yesterday, or my needle was new, or my insulin was new, or the moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars...

I am so fucking confused by the whole thing. But, it doesnt really matter, because he's dating L and not me. So, we can be friends and coworkers and nothing else. But, I should go to bed. Because tonight is my night off plaquinil and Im hoping I'll actually sleep through the night, rather than waking up and wanting to vomit the way I have the past several nights.