#the bfcu

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Or, DOM fight but Sirius says “hey if I ask you to kill Dumbledore will you say yes” and Bella stops fighting to say “go on.” She’s pretty sure she can use this to lure her cousin back to their family—no I will not explain why—and also if she kills Dumbledore then surely her Lord can do her a solid by not murdering her cousin’s godson off the bat so she can get this disowned relative back. She would weep tears of joy if she knew that kid was a horcrux, her Lord won’t kill him and thus, her cousin no longer has to worry about everyone trying to murder his godson and she can get to work.

(No this isn’t realistic, pls don’t think I actually think this would happen, it’s just funny to think about Sirius casually inquiring about a murder of a member of his side to protect Harry—I think he would do absolutely anything to keep Harry safe—and his enemy cousin saying “continue” and then, when asked by her comrades about why she stopped fighting her cousin, she says he asked her to kill the Headmaster so she has things to do, don’t wait up)

hehehehe siri and bella huddled in a corner of the DoM, moving rapidly from whispered murder plans to giggling behind their hands (little do they know, the two overlap). everyone is BAFFLED.

actually it’s lowkey even better if they’re still duelling while having this conversation like,,,,at this point they’re just playing with each other but it’s still several skill levels higher than anyone in their vicinity and just. everyone can see how competent the blacks are in that moment.

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I would honestly love to watch Sirius just casually duel his cousin at a level no one else can match while they chat about unhinged plots or simply catch up on what they've each been up to since sharing neighboring cells in Azkaban

Meanwhile everyone around them is just ??? Because of the duel for one and because they don't despise each other for another. They may disagree on like everything ever but they're still family

truly the black family cinematic universe keeps expanding

i’m also imagining, their duels leave some of the others with a false sense of security; they think ‘oh, that looks easy, doable, i can do it’ and trip over themselves for the dubious honor of duelling bellatrix, thinking if an azkaban escapee can keep up w her (who is ALSO an escaped convict) then ofc they can beat her right?

wrong. they are soundly thrashed and used to wipe the floor. multiple times.

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Alternatively, Sirius and Rabastan kept breaking up and getting back together for literal years, so this is like a general cycle for them. Granted it takes longer what with the Dementors, and at least it provides entertainment to the other inmates to watch this + Bella keeps proclaiming her cousin will come back if he’s still having his whatever with Rabastan, but they get back together; a week later Sirius escapes, says he has to commit murder real quick.

‘hey gotta go, there’s a rat i’ve to annihilate, be back soon’

in an alternate universe where revenge is the only thing he cares about (by which, killing peter and committing the crime he was imprisoned for), sirius slips out of azkaban, commits the deed, and comes back without anyone (except rab who gets a warning so he doesn’t get upset ab missing his nightly cuddles) knowing about it. he’s incredibly satisfied that entire year.

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I was absolutely picturing Sirius and Bella still dueling as they discuss Dumbledore’s murder. They’re not going all-in, or at least they say they’re not, but everyone else has run for cover.

haha yesss it makes for the funniest mental image. the blacks are truly the inventors of the old ‘duelling is just like dancing! with more passion!’ adage bc look at them, they’re so ridiculous about it

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Sirius going to whatever lengths to protect Harry: Hey Cissy, long time no see

Narcissa: Last time we saw one another was when you started a brawl at my wedding and then you ran away a week later

Sirius: To be fair, Mulciber had it coming, you know it as well as I do. If you’d heard what he’d said, you would’ve asked Bella to murder him. But actually I came to discuss ways to keep Draco safe

Narcissa: I’m listening

Sirius: So remember the troll in Hogwarts a few years back

Narcissa: The fucking what?

Sirius: Oh boy. Well, the overall gist is that in your son’s first year, a troll got in the school and while the troll was in the dungeons, you know the place where the Slytherin dorms are and your son is a Slytherin, Dumbledore sent all the students back to their dorms.

Narcissa: Say no more, I have a murder to commit. Do come over for dinner next Sunday, we have much to discuss it seems.

Sirius realizing he perhaps didn’t think how it would look for him to approach his cousin with a Death Eater husband and a Death Eater sister for a murder: Right

lmao can i say i love the timeline of harry telling sirius stuff about his hogwarts years and sirius going ???? and then promptly turning around and doing the same to other unsuspecting parents. a+ plot line, really.

ykno one of my fav arcs in a lot of fics that include the malfoys is if the chamber of secrets plot has happened and narcissa finds out about it and she just. tears lucius a new one like??? YOU put OUR SON in DANGER??? HOW DARE??? and bonus points if it’s a lucius who actually loves his son bc it hits so much harder haha

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I like to imagine that the Black cousins were all really close in age: Bella and Andy were in the same year, Narcissa was the year below them, Sirius was the year below Narcissa, and Regulus was the year below his brother. If JKR can claim Cygnus had 3 kids at 17 and had Bellatrix at 13, I can say whatever the hell I want about the timeline. Plus, it’s fun to think that there are several years where the entire school is subjected to the Black Family’s chaotic nonsense.

hehehe i love both this option and the other one, that they were all a little spread out in years bc the hilarity of like. blacks being utter menaces and the profs being exhausted but relieved to see them go. except, a new one pops up every couple or so years and it’s like ‘oh merlin’s saggy balls no, not again’ so it’s like a black reign of terror for like. a decade and a half, starting from bella, who’s managed to get slytherin under her thumb in her first year alone thru sheer malice and magical power, then it was andy and her assorted rebellions (she started a minor unionisation campaign in slytherin in her second year; to date, no one knows how or even for what, just that for atleast 5.3 months, lil kids were going around chanting about the rights of the proletariat and it was only when sirius stepped in with ‘andy ur literally the bourgeois, what r u on about’ that it slowed down), then there was cissa who was a Younger Sibling™️ and wrecked havoc trying to be Everywhere, and do Everything bc she finally has freedom and no limits.

and then came sirius, of course, who kick started chaos on his first day by sorting into gryffindor and soulmate-ing a potter. he was not only a genius, but a bored one, which made him dangerous. making other kids cry was a specialty and unintended consequence of his sharp tongue and indifference, and generally, he was a Problem bc he couldn’t be controlled. and regulus, who finally seemed to be a decent options and slughorn (?) could’ve cried in relief at finally getting a normal black but alas, he should’ve known that typology just did not exist in nature bc the youngest black turned out to be a raging death eater with a massive hard on for a man his grandfather’s age steeped in dark arts to the point of losing his soul. so ykno.

black reign of terror.

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I have now decided that I’m fully adopting the hc that the entire Black family knew Sirius hadn’t betrayed the Potters but 100% thought he’d killed Peter and those Muggles. I’m also choosing to imagine that there’s a later Order meeting when someone asks Sirius how he’s able to forgive Andromeda for thinking he was a murderer when he’s still slightly icy with the Order for thinking he was the traitor, everyone is eagerly listening in to hear his explanation, only to get hit with “because she at least knew me well enough to know I’d never betray James. She’d met James only once or twice, but she still knew I’d never betray him.” Sirius can get past the murderer belief, especially since he was in fact planning on murdering Peter in POA so it’s not like they were wrong to believe him capable of murder and also he looked bad when he got arrested, but misunderstanding him so badly as to think he’d hand the Potters over to Voldemort? Not so forgivable. Tonks is the only Order member who knew him before he actually likes now (he’s fine with the others that he didn’t know personally as well and of course the kids) since Andy told Tonks what she believed and Tonks, after hearing why her mother thought so, agreed.

I also like to think that the Death Eaters, especially those close to the Blacks, taunt Remus (and some of the other Order members but mostly Remus as Sirius’s old best friend) about this; Remus is dueling Macnair and as Rodolphus fights Kingsley next to him, Rodolphus shouts out something insulting about Remus believing Sirius was the traitor and how Remus clearly never knew Sirius at all, real interesting loyalty Remus has. Bella is “dueling” Sirius (they’re mostly trading non-lethal spells back and forth and talking about what appears to be “darling Cissy’s” 16th birthday party; Kingsley is very confused about what the “Hippogriff incident” is and how it involves the Atlantic Ocean, but Rodolphus emphatically shakes his head and mouths “don’t ask, do not ask” at him so he stifles his curiosity if it can intimidate even a man who endured over a decade in Azkaban) and immediately starts insulting Remus as well, she has literally never gotten past him for believing her cousin to be a traitor, how dare he insult a Black like that. Sirius heaves a long-suffering sigh as he says “Bella, please, calm down” and she doesn’t even look as she waves her hand, stalking toward Remus the entire time like she’s about to tear his head off with one manicured hand, and says “Don’t be silly. Siri, it is my duty as your oldest cousin to defend you, even if you won’t defend yourself. Actually, maybe especially then.” Remus is having a terrible time, and it’s not until about 20 minutes into Bella’s rant about how awful he is that he realizes Macnair has left the room (he also glances around in desperate search of an exit and spots Rabastan in the corner, having not realized what he was walking into and Rodolphus saw him before he could leave again. Sirius is next to him and they’re furiously whispering about something Remus can’t catch. They’re debating about if Bella and Rodolphus would notice if they left, but both tragically believe the answer is yes (they’re right)) (also, Bella’s nails are glittery, similar to Morgan Taylor’s Fame Game shade, only even more sparkly. It is important to me for you to know that. Either she did a spell, she had a House Elf paint her nails, or she found someone willing to give a manicure to an escaped convict, but her nails are painted. It contributes to her intimidation rather than takes away from it. Sirius complimented her on it when they started “fighting” and the Order is really planning on having a talk with him about priorities. Bella thanked him very sincerely) (Bella also immediately called to Rodolphus about “see, my cousin noticed my nails, yet somehow my husband did not.” Kingsley was surprised Rodolphus didn’t give himself a migraine with how hard he rolled his eyes and cautiously went “you good buddy?” Rodolphus quietly said “Freaking Blacks man, the whole family is like this too.” Kingsley nodded but refuses to ask any more questions, he’s heard the stories. Tragically for Kingsley, Rodolphus decided he kind of likes him and passed on that he seems to be a good person to fight when the Blacks are being menaces again, so Kingsley regularly has Death Eaters coming up to fight him and just launching into a rant straight away. Kingsley laments every day that Rodolphus chose him to duel and wishes he’d fought like Jugson or someone)

friend, i want u to know this is my favorite part in this.

Tragically for Kingsley, Rodolphus decided he kind of likes him and passed on that he seems to be a good person to fight when the Blacks are being menaces again, so Kingsley regularly has Death Eaters coming up to fight him and just launching into a rant straight away.

absolutely fucking hysterical

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Sirius gets a bunch of various lethal presents from his family post-Prank, and each one is a message of “just do the killing yourself.” Bella sent a cursed set of knives that cause agony to whoever they’re used on, Narcissa sent along a bunch of poisons, Andromeda sent along some kind of enchanted communication method so she can alibi him out as well as more enchanted knives but these always hit the target, Regulus handed him a hand of glory after class one day and Sirius really wants to know why Regulus even had this thing (he stares at his brother for a couple seconds before just shrugging and thanking Regulus, and telling Regulus that he’ll let the Slytherin team win the Quidditch game this weekend as a thank you and Regulus very nearly beats his brother with that Hand of Glory because Slytherin doesn’t need victories just handed to them and they win on their own; Sirius raises an eyebrow and hums under his breath, and Regulus has to leave before he commits fratricide), and even their parents get in on the murder presents, sending on a bunch of Dark books that may not be banned but that’s more likely because nobody remembered they existed than anything else. The Marauders are sitting at the breakfast table, looking at these murder gifts Sirius just received with his mail, and none of them have a clue what to say, there’s no rule book for “your best friend’s bizarre and homicidal family just sent him a bunch of murder methods, right in front of your breakfast.” It’s totally silent at that part of the Gryffindor table, all of them staring at the gifts (aside from Sirius, who’s focusing on Narcissa’s letter that details the different poisons she sent)

sksksks imagining sirius dealing with the disappointment of not just his friends (which like, only really means remus lbr) but also his family.

the only difference (and quite a big one too) is that the former is because he tried to kill someone and the latter is because he didnt do it properly. which is obviously the bigger problem here. the blacks have got their priorities straight.

so, sirius is stuck in the middle juggling to diametrically opposing judgements. no wonder poor guy was so tortured. literally being pulled in two directions.