No TWs here. I don’t even know what this is. It didn’t turn out like I wanted. I kept trying. I kept trying and thought about not posting it but I’ve decided that it needs to be out here and away from me for now. Because otherwise I’m going to keep picking at it and delete it entirely. Sorry for the rubbish-ness.
“Is that my blanket?” Rory asked, looking confused. “I didn’t know I had a picnic blanket.”
“Well that’s because you don’t” Callum said, as he pushed the coffee table back and started to spread the blanket out on the floor.
“Did you buy it?” Rory said, attempting to nudge the creases out of one corner with one foot and making it worse as he went.
“Nope” Callum said, sitting back on his heels. “I borrowed it.”
“I should’ve known,” Rory said with a small laugh. “It’s not blue and you’d have definitely picked blue. Whose is it?”
“Alyaa’s,”
“Oh ok,” Rory frowned slightly. He liked his neighbour well enough. She’d been kind enough not to leave him stood on his own when they’d been at a party together but he just couldn’t shake his discomfort that something was not quite right. Not since he’d seen her just ducking back into her apartment when he’d brought Callum home. He knew she had been watching him. Watching them. And he couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that she still was. It didn’t help that he knew he’d turned up drunk at her door once, after Callum had been selected and taken away, but there was very little else that he could recall about that incident. And she didn’t seem inclined to want to talk to him about it. In fact she didn’t seem inclined to even look him in the eye.
But Callum adored spending time with her and Rory was beyond grateful to her for the letting him. Callum had come on in great strides since he’d started visiting her, huge leaps forward in his communication. And he certainly couldn’t wait to try the chocolate cake that Callum had brought home with him a few days earlier and refused to let him eat until picnic day.
“I got us something to drink,” Callum said, interrupting his thoughts and his blanket nudging.
“Sounds promising,” Rory said. Callum pressed his hands to his knees and pushed himself up off the floor, surveying his with the blanket with a smile and a satisfied nod, before a blush crept up from his chest, settling high on his cheek bones.
“I love blankets,” he said quietly. Rory watched him flush and fidget where he was stood in the middle of the blanket and smiled at him.
“Yeah, I know you do bud,” he said quietly, watching the red across Callum’s cheekbones darken. “If you ever want more you know that you only have to ask right? You can always ask me anything.”
Callum nodded, a small and slightly aborted movement.
“I know, it’s just… it’s not something that comes naturally to me.” He looked up and met Rory’s eye. Looked nervous and hot and unsure. The crimson creep of nervousness across his skin highlighted the trace of scars that ringed around his neck in little dots and lines. Marks that he hadn’t yet told Rory about. So many marks that Rory didn’t know the history of.
“Questions should come naturally though,” Rory said, holding out a hand for Callum to hold while he stepped forward in a lunge to get off the blanket, not wanting to ruin the perfection that he had given it. “That’s an ok thing for you to do.” Rory twisted their fingers together and squeezed Callum’s hand in his own.
“I know,” Callum muttered, looking at the carpet, looking at their hands. Nothing was safer than being with Rory. Aside from when he’d still had his mum on his side, Rory was the safest thing in the whole world.
“Where’s your teddy?” Rory asked, casting a quick glance around the room and not seeing Callum’s teddy anywhere.
“Umm… he’s in… he’s on my bed,” Callum said, quietly, nervously. “I thought I’d see how it felt if he was in a different room to me?”
“Ok?” Rory’s reply came out phrased as a question. He frowned just slightly. “And how’s that working out for you?”
“Umm…I…” Callum gave a squeeze of his fingers around Rory’s. “… yeah it’s not going so great. I miss him. Sorry.” Callum whispered, his voice trailing off as he gave one more squeeze with his hand before taking a deep breath in and out. He had a blanket. He had cake. He’d bought them a drink. He didn’t want to let his old panic wash in over him and steal his confidence and his breath and his words away.
“No,” Rory said firmly. “No sorrys, not on floor picnic day. You go grab him and I’ll get whatever it is you’ve bought for us to drink.” He let go of Callum’s hand and started to walk towards the kitchen when he realised that Callum hadn’t moved yet. Turning on the spot he went straight back to him and pressed one hand to either side of Callum’s face.
“It’s a no-tree picnic and Haz is invited,” Rory murmured quietly. “And for the record, you’re doing great.” Callum nodded slightly, eyes fluttering closed while he let himself feel the press of Rory’s hands to his face. The calming sense of grounding that they brought with their touch.
“Go on then,” Rory said, letting go and gently guiding Callum with his hands, turning him in the direction of his room. He watched Callum go then moved himself, into the kitchen to get a couple of glasses out of a cupboard then into the fridge to find out what Callum had bought for them to drink. He found two large bottles of real ginger ale and smiled to himself, the evidence of Callum’s friendship with their neighbour showing through with food and drink. He took them out and tucked them to his chest with one arm while he picked up the glasses with his free hand to take them back to the living room where he put them on the coffee table.
“Umm…” Rory turned at the increasingly familiar sound of Callum’s uncertainty. He was stood looking at the bottles and glasses on the table, his mud and blood crusted teddy clutched tightly in his hands. Twisted up a little in his grip.
“You ok?” Rory asked.
“Uh…umm… there’s…” Callum nodded slightly in the direction of the drinks. “… your table is… there’s condensation and I don’t know h… how to get the marks off…off…umm…off the t… table.”
Rory stayed where he was and forced the time to think and not just react upon himself. His instincts screamed at him to just tell Callum, reassure him that it didn’t matter. That his coffee table was disaster zone covered in drink rings and take away stains and a small dip beginning to form in the wood of it where he always rested his feet up on it. He took a few breaths in and out and considered just how much he didn’t know yet. Too much. There was too much that he didn’t know.
“Well,” Rory said, stringing the word out, buying himself time. “How are you with putting pizza in the oven?“
"I can do that,” Callum said, speaking down at the teddy twisted up between his hands. “I can do that for you.”
“For me?” Callum looked up. Shy, but smiling. A small uptick of the corners of his mouth.
“For us,” Callum said. “Umm… can I ask?” At that, Rory moved. Towards Callum.
“Always,” he said.
“We’ve got pizza and ginger ale and cake but…umm… is that all?” Rory couldn’t keep the laugh back at that.
“No picnic would be complete with just that,” he said. “I’ve got crisps and cheese twists in the cupboard by the sink. And I’ve stashed some dips at the back of the fridge to go with some veg sticks. You see!? I can be food-organised when it matters.”
Callum fidgeted about where he stood.
“It matters?” he whispered.
“It matters,” Rory said, touching at Callum’s fingers with his, avoiding the teddy while he did so. “So you go do the pizza, give it ten minutes, and I’ll get everything else out.” Below his fingers, Callum’s tight and twisting grip on his teddy slackened off a little and if he thought he could get away with it then Rory would have cried at just how much comfort Callum had been denied. At just what he’d had to do to get even one kind touch or word. He let Callum back away and followed him to the kitchen, bustling around getting things out of the fridge while Callum put the pizza in to cook and set the timer. They occupied themselves in comfortable silence while the timer ran down, both content to work side by side until a rhythmic beeping announced that their food was ready.
“I can’t remember the last time that I ate pizza,” Callum said quietly, putting on oven mitts and taking the food out of the oven then sliding the pizza on to a plate. He turned to find Rory stood holding a knife out to him, ready for him to cut the pizza with. He couldn’t help but stiffen a little at the sight of it, his breathing rate hitching up, pulse quickening.
“Oh!” Rory’s gaze bounced from the knife that he was pointing at Callum up to Callums panic striken face, then back down to the knife again. “Aw shit! Umm…shit! I didn’t think.” He shoved the knife down on the counter top with a bang. “Oh sweetheart no, I’m so sorry I just…I didn’t think at all. I just didn’t think.” He pushed himself into Callum’s space, pulled his shivering body flush to his own, used one hand to bring Callum’s head down to his shoulder where he could rest it there. He could feel Calum’s lips moving on his neck, could feel the small tingles of breath that were irregualr enough to tell him that Callum was whispering something.
“I can’t hear you bud,” Rory said, stroking up and down slowly over the line of Callum’s spine. When Callum answered it was muffled by his continued press into Rory, but loud enough that he could make it out.
“Just that you shouldn’t have to say sorry. It’s normal to be able to pass someone a knife without…” Callum sighed, a shaky breath in and a slightly less shaky one back out.
“Without worrying?” Rory tried finishing the sentence for him. Callum nodded into his neck and then backed up, eased himself away from Rory slowly.
“No sorrys on floor picnic day right?” Callum said with a small and uncertain smile.
“No sorrys,” Rory agreed. “Should I…?” He gestured to the knife.
“Umm…yeah. If you don’t mind I’ll just take the rest of the food through and get it all laid out?”
“Sounds like a plan,” Rory said, still not picking up the knife, waiting instead for Callum to leave the room. He watched as Callum gathered everything up, arms always close in to himself, hands together and managing to balance everything perfectly. As soon as he was out of eyesight, Rory picked up the knife and got to work, slicing up the pizza and wondering just how much time Callum had spent on the wrong end of a knife to make him react that way. To being so terrified of the blade. He cut quickly and quietly, straining to hear what Callum was doing. Listening for any sounds of sniffing or crying. But all he could hear was shuffling and the ocassional comment directed at Haz about things being in the right place. Satisfied that Callum was coping, Rory picked up the platter with the pizza on and took it through, handing it to Callum so that he could put it where he wanted it to go.
“Looking good,” Rory said, as he waved a hand across the scene in front of him. Callum put the pizza platter down and glanced up, with a shy sort of smile from under his blonde curls. Rory didn’t think that he’d ever seen anything nicer than that in his whole life. Rory knelt next to him, then tucked his legs to one side and started helping himself to the food. When he noticed Callum wasn’t eating yet, he paused and reached out to run his fingers through Callum’s hair. “You should eat too.” He went back to picking up various bits of food, while he watched out of the corner of his eye to check that Callum was following suit. When he saw that he was he relaxed a bit more. He reached out between mouthfuls and picked up the glass of ginger ale that was closest to him and took a swig of it.
“Ok!” Rory said. “So Alyaa recommended this to you yeah?”
“Yeah,” Callum said. “She says it’s the best one.”
“She sure likes her ginger ale on the spicy side!”
“No I like it!” Rory frowned and put the glass back, wiped his fingers on his jeans and reached to take hold of Callum’s hands. “Cal, it was just a casual observation. That’s all. Nothing else. I promise you. But do you think you could try something for me?”
Callum looked up at Rory, his eyes danced about and didn’t want to focus on any one thing. Rory let go of one hand and pressed his palm to his face, brought Callum’s attention back.
“If you think you can manage it, then please try not to worry about the little things that I say. Most of the time I talk rubbish anyway, you know that,” Rory spoke quietly. “You don’t have to second guess everything that I say. I promise you that there is no hidden agenda here. No games. No tricks. Ok?”
“Umm…” Callum hesitated over his reply and twisted Haz by the paw this way and that. “It’s…the thing is that it was always…with Master Hayden…it was always a guessing game. I never knew if he meant what he said. I was very confused a lot of the time.” He reached up, still holding on to Haz and rubbed and poked at his right temple. At the area that had taken so much damage over the years. At the part that the doctors wanted to keep such a close eye on.
“I won’t make you guess,” Rory said, moving back away from Callum to lean up against the couch but pulling Callum with him. He spread his legs to make a space for him to fit into and wrapped his arms around him. Callum tensed for the briefest of moments before settling back against Rorys front, letting the solid and reassuring warmth of him settle him. He could feel Rory rubbing his head back and for against his hair, in a move that always calmed them both. It took away the fright of seeing the knife earlier. It released the pressure of the feeling that he might always have to guess and second guess. And guess again. Callum smiled when he felt Rory pressing little kisses into his hair, tickling at his scalp and making him tingle.
“There’s so much that happened and I think…I think…I think I want to start to tell you,” Callum said before he remembered his manners, so deeply ingrained within. “Please.”
“You can tell me anything you want and any time you want to,” Rory muttered into Callums hair. He hoped that Callum couldn’t feel the up tick in his heart rate where his chest pressed up to his back. Because Callum speaking about what had happened to him was so important, but Rory’s gut twisted on the guilt that it was all his fault that any of this had happened in the first place. The same twisted awful feeling that his gut had thrown his way on the day that Callum had left with Hayden. Callum wriggled and Rory loosened his grip around him, allowing Callum to turn in the spot that he was sat in. Allowed him to face Rory with a knee either side of his hips and his face tucked in up against Rory’s neck. Another comfort move that they had crafted without so much as asking one another.
“I want to say thank you,” Callum spoke into Rory’s skin, raising goosebumps as he did so. “I want to…I’m…I’m so happy that you don’t work for the Programme now. I know that I ruined it for you and I’m so so sorry but…but…” Rory flung his arms around Callum’s back and held him tightly, cutting Callum off as he spoke with a wheeze from where Rory had grasped on so tightly.
“I couldn’t have stayed there,” Rory said, holding on to Callum as tightly as he could. “I couldn’t leave you here every day to go there. I, no, you didn’t ruin anything. You never ruin anything. You make everything better. You make ME better.” Rory heard the hitched couple of breaths that Callum took. He raised a hand to slide his fingers through the back of Callum’s hair, stroked and played with it until his breathing eased back down again.
“I might…ummm…I might talk about some scars soon? If that’s ok? Please?” Callum asked, still tucked up under Rory’s ear where he couldn’t be seen.
“I will listen to everything that you want to say. I promise.”
“Thank you,” Callum whispered. Rory stroked his fingers through Callum’s hair over and over, and shook his head.
“You never need to thank me for this. I want to listen to everything that you’ve got to say. It’s literally the most important thing in the world to me. I mean that. There’s nothing that is more important.” Callum shifted on his lap and Rory let his arms loosen again to give him room to pull back a little. He only moved enough to let his cheek brush up against Rory’s, the tips of their noses met gently and their foreheads connected.
“Is it more important than Alyaa’s chocolate cake?” Callum asked with a small smile. Rory smiled and let out a small laugh. He knew exactly what Callum was doing. He deflected when he felt that he’d gone too far. He had started to do it within a few weeks of coming home, a newly developed nervous habit which often also consisted of jokes at his own expense about his time with Hayden that made Rory wince. He knew that it was too soon, and he felt sure that Callum knew it too but he was trying so hard, throwing ideas and recovery attempts around like confetti. Rory didn’t have the heart to stop for as long as it continued to be harmless.
“The cake is a close second,” Rory said, playing along. He knew that Callum loved it. He knew that Callum wanted to make him happy. He also knew that Callum had no idea how happy he made him just by being there and doing nothing at all, no matter how many times he tried to tell him. He felt Callum’s smile, felt it through the skin of his forehead. And then he lost it again as Callm pushed himself up and away, going to the kitchen to pick up the cake and to find a knife on his own which Rory knew would be the easiest thing for him to do. To have the full amount of control over it. Like an tremor before an earthquake, Callum had eased enough pressure to keep things steady for the time being.
While he watched him cutting huge slices of cake, while he took the plate that was offered to him, Rory couldn’t help but wonder when the full scale disaster would hit. And just how much of a relief effort woulf be needed to pull his sweetheart through it.
