#the diary posts

[solitarylikeme]

You know what?

I've decided that anyone who makes me insecure about myself isn't worth my time.

And it's not me, it's them being jerkasses and that's all there is to it.

[solitarylikeme]

Watching/liveblogging Hannibal

so if I haven't replied to your messages or I'm supposed to be doing something I told you I would PLEASE remind me.. the first two pages of my inbox r answered but there's probably some more in the murky depths of that place

[johnhamishwatson]

I don't even have a reason to be depressed. I'm not starving, my family is together, and I've never been abused.

I feel so selfish. 

Is ending it really so selfish?

[johnhamishwatson]

I just want to die. 

And I want someone there with me when I do. 

That won't happen unless I die a natural death, though.

Even still, at this rate, I'll be alone then, too.

[solitarylikeme]

EDIT: oh gosh I'm so sorry I forgot to say this is like not meant for any of my followers or anything if it was I would have put gifs in and made an attempt to make it interesting! I'm so sorry if you bothered to read this but I sort of explained why it's here and not in a private place like my usual diary thing just read the next line and then get out of here ok? ok :)

Ok like even though I have a new place to diary I will put this here because I just wanted a happy thing ok?

I just had to socialise for... well, I've been out since 1pm and only just got home at 11:45pm so like nearly 11 hours?

First there was the charity shop - that wasn't as awesome as usual cause there was a new person who was very loud and abrasive and I felt a little shy.

Then there was like half an hour where I got to be by myself and then plunged straight into a meeting where the head of our unit was initially a bit frosty (a week ago I caught her going behind my back to do something and confronted her about it) but then I was so nice to her - I genuinely like the little bitch - by the end of the meeting two hours later she was actually genuinely happy to have seen me like yay success

Next there was the real happy part of my evening - YES I just described something social as happy because IT WAS - and that was because the main person in the dawat was being very unlike herself and very nice and not calling me fat or saggy boobed or making me feel inadequate. In fact, she seemed to have forgotten about being a bitch altogether to ANYONE today and everyone else is always very nice so it was just a fun evening!! Actually it was the best one with the five of us since queen bee got married and moved away. We actually wanted to stay over by the end but didn't because Ibro wasn't staying and I didn't want to ruin a good evening by getting sick of everyone. 

I'm not adequately putting into words how fun and nice and happy it was - like I actually made jokes and people laughed - and TK said she trusted me out of everyone to do this thing for her - well to dye her hair so she might have just been sucking up to me to do it but the fact is Hb and KB wanted to have a go so badly but she wasn't letting them even though they've never been proven to be bad at anything and it's not like she gives a crap about hurting any of our feelings so she genuinely thought I'd be good at something I've never done before. 

And there was banoffee pie. 

So there's that.

I need to eat some tuna before I go to sleep because I haven't had fish for a while (maybe a week?) and the bones in my hand have started hurting again. (EDIT because some of you goons have been reading this I feel the need to explain what tuna has to do with bones - VITAMIN DEEEE is in fish and I needs it) 

But I don't want to cause I've had 6 pieces of banoffee pie. 

Anyway it was a great day. Oh and people said that my apple pie that I'd made for pi day and was effectively stale was the best pie they'd ever had and bugged me on where to get the pastry from (like my pastry is better than the shop bought one I used but I'm too lazy)

Oh that reminds me DISHES so that decides it I'm having tuna - I can grill some on cheese and bread and while doing them. Ok done. 

:D ALhmd. What a great day. 

[solitarylikeme]

These diary posts act as a reference for me and me alone, so if you're reading go away please. I mean, you can read it, but you won't find it interesting so what's the point?

I spent most of the day cancelling things. There was a boy at the library - he's there every Friday afternoon when I go and I do hope he doesn't think I'm stalking him. He has a beard but doesn't go to Jumu'ah. And a white laptop that lasts for over three hours without charge. SJ came in the evening. We ate takeaway together as a family. It's nicer when he's here. 

I went to the majlis with HB. I enjoyed it - I'm not as talkative as she is (since leaving secondary school I'm never the one to be the main speaker in a circle. I close it off and talk to the people around me) so maybe she thinks I don't like it but I like listening to them. They're clever and sweet if unhelpful with each other in general. The talk too was quite moving. It's like he was talking about me. "We find it hard to do dhikr or stay on the prayer mat for even five minutes, but we can watch tv for several hours. Why?" I never really got the answer, but the solution was that we should do tawbah. 

After that we went to Asda at midnight. She wanted me to buy a bunch of stuff I didn't want to buy. So I put it in my basket and then took it out later. She saw me counting my coins at one point. I think I must have looked poor - I just hadn't taken my purse or debit card with me. If I had I would have tried to pay for everything, including her stuff. As it was, she didn't shout at me for putting the stuff back - which makes me think she got offended. 

Since IK's house I've made a firm decision not to talk about people anymore. And not to even talk about talking about people. So I didn't talk about Bhabi when HB asked. The topic came up naturally, but I didn't. I'm sick of it anyway - everyone knows it's bad for us, bad for her. TK told her about the overdose. I explained how little the overdose was - to clarify the facts, nothing more. It was 9 paracetamol and as a doctor HB knows a cry for attention from an actual attempt at suicide. I told her how I was really worried at the time for her ( I didnt want her to think I was cold hearted) but later learnt that that amount of pills didn't really... and left the sentence at that. The end of the sentence implied was 'didn't really harm anyone who took them.'

[Psychiatrists have agreed that people who tell others before they attempt anything on themselves don't really want to kill themselves. They seek and need attention and ought to be given it.] I didn't tell HB that she had threatened my brother for long before that, saying things like "if you don't come home in the next 10 minutes I will do such and such to myself". This time he just didn't come home. And she did it. It wasn't just attention seeking. It went into emotional blackmail. Is it any wonder I am not trying to mend my relationship with her? She is both a bitch to me and insane. I'm not sure how much of one is the cause of the other, and after two years of being scared in my own home I no longer try to find out. It would be so so much more different if we could just persuade her to get help.

I'm glad this has come out. I'm glad I'm reading again - reading leads to good writing. Or you know, less crap writing.

Now I can focus on the positives if I choose to make the diary posts longer.  

IK's house yesterday was fun. They liked my pasta. I went two hours late and IK told me on the phone that they'd eaten without me and left me a plate. it was the 'leave me a plate' part that made it sound believable. A lot of stuff had gone wrong that day so I nearly wanted to cry - then nearly cry tears of joy when I went inside and realised they'd been waiting for me. They hadn't even started frying or heating anything till I turned up.

The bowl was clean when they gave it back to me at the end of the night - whatever my slim friends couldn't eat her siblings and mother had had. I should give them the recipe but does it look like I'm blowing my own trumpet? Idk. It takes nearly three days for my family of four to finish a bowl of that size. 

It was nice being with people I liked. TA acted a bit over eager by the end - trying to arrange a date to meet again within the next week. I felt a bit embarrassed for her. Generally, the girls are very reliable and balanced - this will be the 7th year since we've left but they still keep in touch and well. Every two months we arrange a face to face meetup and there are weekly or fortnightly phonecalls among them. If we're in the vicinity of each other's homes, we'll also drop by casually too. I can't say many high school friends who can still do that in their 20s. The key is balance. If you do too much in one go, the chances are people will cancel and later on there won't be any meetups. So when TA tried to force two in one week (and she was planning something long too, when we had just spent 6 hours together already, she wanted to go bowling and see a film), they seemed reluctant rather than playing it cool.

 I don't understand how she hasn't caught on about our pattern for 7years. She's very astute when it comes to herself, more so than any other person I have ever met, but obtuse when it comes to others. I thought I had taught her to think of others in the three years we spent together as roommates, and she in turn had taught me to be more sensitive and less blunt, but it's been three years since we left that place and we're going back to the old ways.

I'm getting tired of writing, and to be honest forcing it because I don't want the whole post to be about negative Bhabi stuff. But that's all. I'll leave it at that. 

[solitarylikeme]

Man have I had a weird week! Wondering if I should type it up or not. It's definitely not Tumblr worthy, but seeing as this place is pretty much my diary (from 2012 - whenever Tumblr becomes myspace) and I may one day regret not writing down my memories...

We'll see