I did a thing! If there is a way to do a sticky post on tumblr besides just the tab I would do it because here are all 10 reviews for season 6! I got thrown off like halfway through but look! There are 10! And I think the last two are the best to be honest!
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8
Episode 9
Episode 10
Thank you so so much for reading, over the past 3 seasons doing the drunk thing I’ve been posting them later and later in the week and sometimes a month late welp but I appreciate your eyes and spirits here! I very much hope you will read next season!
The Drunkalypse S6E3 “Holy Narrative Cockblock, Batman”
Counting down the things I care most about except for the first couple of reviews I think I numbered it the wrong way but the amount of caps locks and inability to English probably made the general concept evident anyway
To start things off on a high note, here’s my favorite offering from Key & Peele which fits this episode because I assume they’re doing Robert and Lyanna cosplay
6. Do I get credits for this? The saga of Head Intern
I don’t give enough love to Arya and I guess she just takes the backseat to characters I have stronger reactions to but I’m pretty sure ADWD stopped here with her (corrections posse, pls tell me if I’m wrong here) so that means the Mercy shit might be happening? iirc people flipped the fuck out when that chapter dropped so I’m anticipating all the outraged ‘think pieces’ on the pop culture websites and all the writers who said they were ‘quitting the series’ last year except not because GoT gives their sites major hits so they just assign someone different to write about the show
I’m OFF TRACK
Arya gets her ass kicked until she doesn’t and develops her Daredevil powers or whatever is going on there
Head Intern is omniscient or whatever somehow and knows Arya’s storyline, maybe has read all the books
Arya wins, Head Intern loses or whatever, Arya has her eyes back and can murder you blindfolded
5. Meanwhile in Essos...missed opportunities for sassy fan snaps
DANY
Damn I thought Dany would be way saltier with those widows also don’t Dothrakis know about remarriage? Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance at love? I know they don’t have a word for thank you but a phrase approximating ‘chic widow back on the market and looking for a second wind’ doesn’t exist either? Where is the special shitty club for widowers, hmmmm???????
If no one told Dany the fucking rules how is she supposed to follow them though? None of those Dothraki said shit about Dosh Khaleesi this or Dosh Khaleen that
Some bitch steals her necklace RU Serious????? I don’t think I’ve seen Dany kill anyone but sometimes a bitch has got to go and that was a pretty sweet necklace
I want Dany to eat a horse heart and get the fuck out of there she has better things to do
MEEREEN
I just about DIED when Varys was fanning himself too bad he didn’t have one of those fans he could snap open and shut to accompany some shade
Yoo that prostitute has straight-up ancient Egyptian hair sooooo pretty
I feel Tyrion’s pain when you’re the only one drinking and the people you’re with refuse to not only join you but also aren’t interested in any fun. Tyrions fucking quoting HIMSELF I can’t take it lol
Grey Worm’s face perfectly captures Barack Obama’s second term in office and Missandei’s on that Daenerys Targaryen diet of fire and blood
4. ON WEDNESDAYS WE WEAR PINK
Qyburn poached all of those little birds which were creepy as fuck in that scene in ADWD. The Lannisters are rolling with Ser Gregor full time. Cersei isn’t fucking around and wants to know who’s talking shit
THE CATTIEST SCENE I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW. I have previously likened Margaery and her ladies to Plastics but this is just about as good because there is nothing cattier in this world than sitting down to talk to a bunch of women (and Pycelle, Kevan, and Mace are women here I guess) and having the seated group of girls GET UP AND LEAVE, most of the time saying something along the lines of ‘come on, girls, we have better things to do’ or ‘we can have this discussion somewhere else. LATERS!’
Westeros Bernie Sanders and Tommen have a conversation but it reminded me of my formative years so I zoned out after about 10 seconds
3. Djongo Unchained
Jon’s back
WAS JON LIVING TEMPORARILY IN GHOST YES OR NO
Jon’s alive blah blah Melly Sanders thinks she’s the shit again, why do prophecies have to be real? Saying something like ‘I thought Stannis didn;t fulfill the prophecy but you’re here so I guess I can work with this’ is not a vote of confidence
We have seen multiple other Red Priest(esses, including Katana from Arrow which LOVE) ok why is Jon any better than some asshole they dig up somewhere else? P sure years and years of reading wikis and comments sections I’ve never fucking seen “PtwP is def going to be in WESTEROS haul your asses to WESTEROS people, prophecy fulfilling peeps going to pop up over there in WESTEROS”
Melly Sanders is cray I’m saying that affectionately but srsy, Melly, do you hear yourself
Game of Thrones plays right into my atheist leanings when Jon says he saw nothing after he “died” or warged or whatever lol sry Melly Sanders this show makes religion look so shitty
Kit Harington is naked but has an ironclad contract so fuck any meaningful nudity I guess also Emilia should tip her agent because girlfriend isn't going to be naked ever again
Just like- POOR DAVOS- he just sailed around fucking shipping onions and shit he didn’t sign up for watching people with flawless hair rise from the dead after women who give birth to babies from hell whisper weird spells and look sad for three episodes
Jon gives Edd his coat and I’m like ‘oh he’s making Edd cheer captain’ but they have to do their election thing but maybe they’re done with dat shit
GodDAMN Tormund is looking good this season, book me in any room you want, you ginger wizard you.
LET ME COPY THIS VERBATIM BECAUSE I COULDN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP
I’m not a god
I know that. I saw your pecker. What kind of God would have a pecker that small?
Jon laughs awkwardly but true story, coming from Tormund that is so fucking demoralizing. Wildfire couldn’t burn that sick.
Jon hangs the traitors including that B Olly, bye Felicia
I don’t know where Jon is going but I hope it is at the crossroads of ‘Don’t Give a Fucksville” and Sass Town
2. #FREERICKON
RICKON NOOOOOOO THOU CANST NOT HAVE MY RICKON ALSO RICKON WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU “RUN” IS A THREE LETTER WORD, IT’S NOT A HARD CONCEPT, CHRIST ON A CRACKER
RICKON
NO
NOT
RICKON
SHAGGYDOG TOO?
HOW YOU GONNA KILL ANOTHER DIREWOLF YOU MONSTERS
WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU GUYS HOW DID YOU GET CAUGHT
WERE YOU JUST LIKE HANGING OUT IN A TREEHOUSE
FUCK YOU UMBERS DIE IN A FIRE I HOPE A DRAGON EATS YOU
I WISH TUMBLR DIDN’T FUCK UP GIFS BECAUSE I HAVE ALL THE GIFS
I HOPE JON KICKS RAMSAY’S LILY WHITE RAPIST ASS ALL THE WAY INTO A DREAM OF SPRING
#FREERICKON
1. TOWER OF JO- WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY?!?
FOILED AGAIN thanks to Max von Star Wars
Shit y’all can’t even give me a fucking baby crying? Why you gotta be so cold, DAMN. I was literally holding my face like Republicans watching the exit numbers in the 2012 election. It went from cold terror to ‘cool fighting, Westeros Gannicus lol (RIP Spartacus (if youre in the DC area go to Spartacon it’s fun as fuck)) it’s over the dead people are dead’ I WANT TO FUCKING SEE LYANNA STARK YOU EVIL BASTARDS HDUUUUU
cackling
WHat is this bullshit ‘we can come back later’ FUCK THAT ADULTS SAY THAT TO KIDS AND THEY’RE ALWAYS LYING
Ned looking exactly the fucking same. In case you were wondering which one was Ned, you know it’s Ned because nothing has changed in his entire appearance besides Sean Bean
Why did they have to fight? All Ned wanted was to see his sister also rescue her, etc. God, Rhaegar is such a dick for this one. Not to mention he’s dead! Everyone’s dead who the fuck are they taking orders from at this point WTF #FreeLyanna
Honestly good on Ned for fighting for his sister my brother would probably just fucking mope and post passive aggressive things on Reddit
Howland Reed Exists!!!!! Also went in for the kill but no one cares lol sorry Howland only living witness to R+L=J
Anyway I almost fucking died because of that one scene but they decided to be lame about it and Bran is never going to go back is he AJEFlkwahdekihcfaklhjsclSJDKIiuhfk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEXT WEEK: how many people have fucking LF jetpacks??? SUddenly we’re at Winterfell and Pyke? Has Baelish mass produced this thing??????? Questions!
Winners, losers, hair, nudity: first Part II of the season, enjoie! Here is Part I from earlier this week.
WINNERS
The viewer didn’t have to watch another fucking rape scene in the sept
Jon was actually pretty boss with the arrow shooting
Umm ok Michiel Huisman ANNA KENDRICK IS INTO YOUR DICK like you win life this week
Dany’s seamstress because she has new clothes and historically we have seen Dany wear new shit when she’s getting laid so if she’s tapping Daario all the time maybe we will see some new style.
Tyrion because holy shit whose body can even do that with the vom and then the wine, like that’s not science I think
Varys is openly plotting and seems to be receving his life
LF also seems to be having the time of his life and his happiness is disturbing. His face is disturbing.
Sam realizes he’s a fucking badass this week
LOSERS
They put in a scene initially reminiscent of the rape scene that it was honestly kind of mocking
Bb Barack Obama just has a lot of shit to deal with
You just can’t catch a break with prostitutes these days, they’re just going to sell you out
Fucking Shireen yo someone call child services that shit is fucked up
Davos just hates every aspect of his life
People who are going to be super tired at work on Monday because they had to wait 5000 hours to see Tywin and got home super late
CERSEI SCALE OF DRUNKENNESS
Hiding vials like a champ in those sleeves. No Blackwater charm as of yet.
KINGS LANDING THUNDERDOME CERSEI VS. MARGAERY: ROUND ONE
Marg is up to some shit but Cersei was the Death Star to her Alderaan walking up those sept stairs to Tywin’s wake I mean no one out death glares Cersei Lannister
Does her dress have cutouts though
USELESS NUDITY
Much like income equality in the U.S., it feels like equality in nudity should have already been a thing but isn’t yet for some reason
MY GENERAL THOUGHTS AS WE GO INTO THE REST OF THE SEASON:
Just like a flaccid penis itself, simply showing us a variety of man cheeks without a single D is a flop.
SANSA IS JUDGING YOU
Sansa believes in Equal Opportunity Nudity
HOW FUCKED ARE THE STARKS THIS WEEK
Sansa seems to be all right and Jon is stuck in some cultish nonsense but alive and about to start fighting for immigration reform, so Rhollor bless
BAD BITCH OF THE WEEK
This is hard for me, as I side with Cersei in Marg v. Cesei, but Margaery walked in on her brother, did not give a fuck, ate some fruit and tried to talk about her life. A lot of people would probably have left but she has vague plotting to do, dammit!
JON’S HAIR
Fucking glorious the wig department cries themselves to sleep because they can never make hair as glorious as his. Bless his mother, father, science, DNA, styling products, and diffusers amen
SRS BSNS ACTING AWARD
Ciaran Hinds looked pretty fucking serious when he was getting burned alive
DID THAT HAPPEN?
Did they kill Mance Rayder off in the first episode?
GINGER OF THE WEEK
I’m pretty sure Tormund is the only ginger left because Melisandre did not come out of the womb with that hair. Anyway, he seems like he’s the guy at the bar who stays by the bar because he’s always just about to finish his drink so he can order a new one before he’s finished his last one.
NEXT WEEK ON GAME OF THRONES*
*Has only watched the preview once, drunk, and does not remember what was in it
DORNE
DORNE
DORNISH DORN
DORNY DORNE DORNE
Readying self for Talisa 2.0, will not be ready
Arya is back will kill 15 people in 5 minutes
Cersei will be drunk in public
Jon will argue with Stannis again
Margaery will eat more fruit
White Walkers will have another christening party
People in gold masks will take a break from killing people and do interpretive dances in the city square as a peaceful protest
HI, BRYAN COGMAN!
If you say hello to someone, and they never hear it, was a hello really said? #exercizesinfutility
Thank you for reading, will try to have graphics eventually, please send any ideas my way for more categories!
Here to assure that I didn’t forget to do Part II of the Drunkalypse this week! They will likely drop on Friday or Saturdays because pretending not to be hungover where I work requires Varys levels of trickery.
If you’re new and don’t know wtf I’m talking about, Part II is the second portion of the reviews I did last year, so you can take a look by checking out my Reviews tab above.
