#the sysadmin

[persepinesascent]

Polyamory exists so you can

1. Bait your woodworker friend into grabbing you a perfectly good bookcase someone else was throwing out

2. When he loses two of the shelf pegs on the way over, have another partner bring you some replacements from his collection

[persepinesascent]

I love that part where they're falling in love, but don't want to say so yet, so they say lots of other things, which eventually start running out, just leaving them with, "I really really like you a lot," and "I love your ___," and, "I could hardly wait to talk to you," over and over and over until it just seems silly and obvious.

[persepinesascent]

The sysadmin, Mister "2-3x/Month for Now," is squeezing in a third date with me in under two weeks. ❣️

It's going to be very mini, just an hour, since I am not going to skip bellydance class just because we won't see each other again until 12 days after this... (I'm pretty sure I'm making the right call there, but if I show up and class is cancelled or my hip takes me out, I will certainly end up battling regret.)

But even 12 days from now will make 4 in a month! Or maybe more like three since I'm making today so short.

I do feel like the early days deserve that kind of care. Idk. We're wild, but practical. I hope.

[persepinesascent]

Made the mistake of waking up in the middle of the night, and now I'm thoroughly disgusted by all his dishonesty again

[persepinesascent]

I think I'm forgetting that he was always a horrific communicator, and I was always able to edit his words in a way that was helpful to both of us, and I can do that here too.

I've been laying here trying to process this since 4am, and I think I'm actually getting somewhere.

But he's still a douchebag for being shit at consent and thinking he's the only person on the planet who's allowed to have a feeling about anything. And for fucking lying to me for three days. If he hadn't been resistant to me calling out his intentions on Sunday, it would have saved me two days of tears and stress. But when has he ever been clear about his intentions.

[persepinesascent]

I suppose it should be reassuring that I predicted every single part of this whole thing. All of it. The whole time. I even told him. He knows. I saw it all, all the way through the breakup.

But like wtf. I saw the train wreck coming the whole time and chose to let him keep fooling me, because he loved me in ways I needed, and I couldn't find anyone else.

And it wasn't the first time

[persepinesascent]

Pls don't let me forget that the sysadmin is not someone who can respond with any acknowledgement or empathy to most mentions of things that need that.