I got no space I cant unwind theres no vacation in my mind #theapplesinstereo #novacation _____________ lately every day feels like the very same attempt at one & the same yesterday - as if I cant get ahead of this mundane tension lugged like a sledgehammer from work to bed to work to breakfast to work to lunch to work to dinner with our son & our laundry bidding on my time between jobs & meals. & the weight of it tests my endurance & focus as in time it becomes heavier. I remember two solitary things from my confirmation classes: the bishop said to give him a signal when we went up & he wouldnt really confirm us, even tho itd look like he did to our parents ... & he told us the process of envisioning, planning, acting & repeating those actions to accomplish our goals. I didnt have any goals at fifteen except running away, but for some reason the process inspired me & that night I wrote it under the light switch in my bedroom. & then I envisioned my escape, planned my escape, acted on my plan & escaped my parents stale supportive stable middle class home. I constructed a contemporary home with glass walls everyone could witness the drama of sex drugs & feigned confidence in as I shed my adolescence. one, two the next & then I finally stopped visualizing goals & skipped planning & just acted like an animal frothing at the heart for disconnection & distraction. life became so simple, so small, literally a handful of blocks & a heartful of drugs. every day feeling like the very same attempt at one & the same yesterday - one foot in front of the other towards oblivion; & maybe this is why doing the same thing on a daily feels so heavy as it wears on. & this is where Purpose dances in on roller skates & cheerleads the hell out of my victim & my saboteur, my inner child & my inner prostitute: all the parts of me that want to punch responsibility in the throat. she shimmies with thick thighs, daring me to keep my eye on the prize. reminding me I dont just have responsibilities - I have the options that come with those responsibilities too. the option to go on vacation or check out a book, the option to break down under this sledgehammer or break thru with it xox (at Little River, California)