I don’t know how that kiss could have gotten Laura ‘over excited’, bitch don’t know over excited until she’s matched with and boned Dr Chris.
I also don’t know what dafaq Osh is tryna do, he’s about to make Matty J crack with all the flashbacks.
The sex couch from last season, the medieval themed group date... I am certain Matty had to dress up like a fuckwit in a knights outfit last year to try and woo Ms Hater Love.
Yep he did.
“fuck my life”
And so ends another episode that I almost fell asleep watching before seeing crazy eyes depart.
I can’t believe all the hate Ali is getting for choosing Taite as her man.
Obviously she was going to make a choice, one way or the other... it was going to either be Taite or Todd.
They were both eligible bachelors, both flawed but also well suited to Ali, but obviously each guy had their flaw which affected Ali in some major way.
For Ali to have chosen Taite as her final man, she obviously had to consider how he felt, his honesty and openness to their future and she would not have made the decision lightly.
I actually think through this entire experience, even though Ali continuously harped on about timelines, marriage and babies, she actually was the won who learnt about compromise and reality through this show. All the men and suitors have taught her different things, and by her choosing Taite, she is actually valuing his honesty and realistic approach to being in a stable relationship and being about open with what they want.
She learnt that she can’t expect the PERFECT life that she just expected to fall in front of her, and by choosing Taite, it shows personal growth. Ali admitted she was taking a risk by choosing him, but it also showed us change in her perspective and not just choosing the one guy who told her everything she wanted to hear.
Here is hoping that they are happy and still a couple. Congrats to Taite and Ali!
"It’s like this: - Gay children and teachers: Not allowed education. - Catholic Priests, i.e. Bridge Builders between God and humanity: Totally cool to r*pe children and continue to preach goodness to their followers. Yea, ok." . NEW POST OUT about (belated) current events! . We're talking about the gay ban, weight wars, the new Bachelorettie, and more! . Bildo's getting controversial up in here... . Link in bio 👆☝️👆 . #gayban #weightwars #thebacheloretteAU #missmuddy #nickelback #news #currentevents https://www.instagram.com/p/BoxhVRslgfi/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ru3olavwika7
Let’s talk about all the bullshit that happened before Channel 10 FUCKED US!
Standard aerial shots of Casa De Osh open the episode nicely before those noobs we call bachelorettes make their way onto the screen.
Firstly, do you bitches really even have to guess who the date was for with a clue about speaking a different language, it was obvious it was gonna be Olena 2.0
Yes.
And so begins another 'most boring date I've ever seen'.
View? Pretty, Fun? Zero.
Crazy bitch wore heeled booties abseiling? She must have been in as much pain as me after having walked 2km in heels today.
Yummy.
That magic sex couch is defs looking out for KK and I, 8 bitches kisses to go and we rich.
Cut to Matty in a threesome very awkward sitch.
Poor guy didn't know where to look.
And I know I am not one that anyone should be taking dating advice from but if Matty J asks if you want a fam, you don't make this face.
Fucking hell, y'all know I hate screeching miniature humans babies, but if Matty J asked me if I wanted them, I would have gotten preggo the hour prior.
That generic lottery sperm don't come around everyday.
Get the fuck out Nose Job Girl, you dumb.
“You’ve had a nose job haven't you?”
Ok, maybe Nosey isn't as dumb as that crazy tatt girl who was hiding in the bathroom like she's in an episode of The Hills.
“You leavin’ or what bitch?”
Is that a dead person on your back?
The only person I wanna see dead is the producer who thought it was a good idea to cut off the episode before the end of the rose ceremony....
and Dr Chris.
Peace.
Wow – here we are! The final episode! Who will win Georgia’s heart? Probably Matty.
But first, let’s recap the final two for the people who haven’t been watching the whole season. Seriously, who tunes in to the final episode without watching any of the season? The recap goes for about ten hours and basically, they’re both great, but she likes Matty more. We know this, because WE’VE JUST WATCHED THE WHOLE SEASON. Georgia says that she can’t imagine her life without Matty in it. If that’s not confirmation, what is?
- Side note: In the flashback of the first episode, Matty gives Georgia a mix tape. How come we’ve never heard that mix tape? Could it be that he didn’t really make one and it was just a prop?
In present day, the two boys enter a plane separately, but they both sit on opposite sides, so you know it’s the same plane. What, are we supposed to believe they flew to Singapore separately? The budget doesn’t stretch that far, guys.
Georgia sits in the Singapore sunshine contemplating her life, when Georgia’s dad and her sister Katie arrive. Unfortunately, Georgia’s mum can’t make it as she’s unwell, and Georgia seems quite upset about this because she always asks for her mum’s advice. However, her mum has recorded a video message. She tells Georgia to follow both her heart, and her head, and tells her how much she loves her. I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING.
Shattering us down to reality, Dad says in the broadest Australian accent, “Well, there we are. That was a nice message, wasn’t it?”
- Side note: I think it’s a really typical Dad/male Australian thing to want to downplay the moment like this. What’s that about?
Georgia sets Dad and Katie up to meet her chosen two, saying, “The guys I’ve met have been so unbelievable.” *Cough-Sam-cough*.
Then this happens:
Georgia: I want your opinion.
Dad: (Laughing) You haven’t listened to my opinion in your whole life.
Georgia: (Laughing) Well maybe that’s why I’m here and single.
Katie: Maybe that’s why we got stuck with some of them for as long as we did.
…
Man, Katie’s spouting some home truths. Way to ruin the mood. She says she’s got a lot of questions to ask of the boys, so let’s get to it.
Matty Meets the Family
Matty is the first sacrifice. He says he hopes he gets a chance to meet Georgia’s mum in the future, and it’s very sweet.
Talking-Head-Matty admits that location plays an important factor in a relationship: “Right now I’m in Sydney with my sister and Georgia’s in Melbourne.” With his sister is right…there’s definitely a weird relationship going on there.
Matty is introduced to Dad and Katie, and it’s relatively uneventful.
Talking-Head-Katie’s making the thoughtful observations, saying that Matty is handsome and tall, “which is nice for Georgia.” What does that even mean? Surely everything he is is nice for Georgia, given she’s the one who would be with him.
Katie asks how old he is, which number child he is, how he is with cats (remember Georgia has a cat THAT HAS ONLY BEEN MENTIONED ONCE BEFORE). But the real bombshell is when it’s revealed that Matty is from Sydney. Uh oh, Dad’s not happy. It’s time for their one-on-one time.
While Matty and Dad walk to their secret alone-time spot, Matty slips and asks Dad when he “flies back to Sydney…Oh, sorry, Melbourne.” It’s a strange moment, but telling that the producers have included it, because remember how these two don’t live in the same city? You bet it’s going to be a problem.
Dad and Matty have their secret chats. Dad doesn’t pull any punches when he says that Georgia’s mum being sick would influence her decision, and that they want Georgia in Melbourne for the foreseeable future. Matty wants long distance with the view to relocate to Melbourne, but Dad’s not buying it.
Talking-Head-Dad thinks that Matty says he’ll move to Melbourne but doesn’t get the feeling his heart is in it. He says, “He knows the right things to say, but I get the feeling I’m not seeing the real man.” Man, Dad takes no shit.
While the new boy duo is bonding, Georgia and Katie get some time to have some private chats. Katie reluctantly says that she doesn’t get a great vibe from Matty. But haha lols she’s totes kidding, how hilarious! Sigh.
Then the boys come back, and then that’s it, it’s time to say goodbye to the family. Wait, really? I hope Georgia gets more time to speak to her family about this, because this was over so super quickly. Is it just me, or was this so much quicker than every other “meet the family” sequence? They asked him, like, two questions.
Anyway, we’re moving on apparently.
Lee Meets the Family
Lee Volunteers next as tribute.
He tells Georgia he’s sorry her mum isn’t there, while they hold hands weirdly half in the air.
Lee is introduced to Dad and Katie, and it’s relatively uneventful.
Dad thinks the body language is very “touchy-feely” and that there’s more of a connection there. Thanks, Dad, for your commentary on their sexual chemistry.
Lee says again that he hopes he has the pleasure of meeting Georgia’s mum soon, in front of the family this time so everyone knows what a great guy he is. He also mentions Melbourne a billion times.
Talking-Head-Katie says she’s getting a vibe that he’s very smooth and is worried Georgia’s getting a bit swept-up with Lee: “He’s saying the right things, and he knows he’s saying the right things.” So basically Katie feels about Lee like Dad feels about Matty. Sigh. This isn’t very helpful, you guys.
But it’s ok because Katie is going to give Lee an interrogation during their one-on-one time. Geez, she’s very intense. She says, “You’re coming across quite articulate and like you have feelings for Georgia. You are quite smooth and know the right things to say.” She then asks how he feels about Georgia. Oh my God, Katie, you can’t just ask people how they feel. (Reference, anyone?)
After a minute of fumbling about, Lee finally tells Katie that he’s falling in love with Georgia. “Once I said it, everything felt right.”
- Side note: Why does Lee keep saying “your sister” to Katie? Why can’t he just call her Georgia? It’s like how Trump can’t say the names of women he meets, it’s all “her” and “she” and “my wife”.
Talking-Head-Katie doesn’t hold back when she says she thinks Lee is “ingenuine” (not a word, Katie) with his feelings. Ouch. She questions why he hasn’t told Georgia he loves her yet, forgetting for a moment that Lee’s only spent about 20 minutes in total with Georgia and has been competing against other guys.
Before he can even get the seat warm back with Dad and Georgia, Lee is off. That’s it, your ten-second meeting is up. Nice to meet you both, thanks very much, see you later.
While Georgia is walking Lee out, Dad and Katie discuss:
Dad: You’re more vocal than me. Maybe you should do the talking
Katie: Oh, so she can get angry at me?
Dad: I’ll play peace-keeper.
Nice one, Dad.
Georgia returns to see what they think of Lee. Katie ums and ahs. For someone who’s not held back in saying they’re tough and forthright and not afraid of saying the hard things, she sure isn’t very forthright in this moment.
Katie says, “Ultimately it’s your decision.”
Georgia rolls her eyes, and says, “Yeah, but I’ve brought you here to ask you.”
Katie says, “We’ve had such a short period of time with both of them.”
Georgia says, “Yeah, but what we have is all we have. Who would be a better fit for me?”
Katie says, “I can’t give you an ‘A’ or ‘B’ answer.”
Georgia says, “I need you to. I’m asking you to. Who can you see sitting around our dinner table?”
Katie says, “Both.”
I swear, if Georgia doesn’t flip a table soon, then I’ll do it.
Katie eventually admits to Georgia that she thinks Lee is a little bit smooth. Talking-Head-Katie expands, saying that she doesn’t think Lee is as natural as Matty, and that Matty is the front-runner for her. God, Katie, just marry him already.
Dad finally pipes up and straightforwardly says to Georgia that Lee is his favourite, because he doesn’t think Matty would move from Sydney.
Well, what a gigantic waste of time in asking them out here. One likes Matty; the other likes Lee. We need a tiebreaker. Thankfully, after this scene was filmed, Georgia called Osher and asked if it was too late to make the boys fight to the death.
The Final Date with Matty
Because her family were bloody useless in helping her make a decision, poor Georgia has to choose the love of her life on her own. To help her do this, it’s very important that she has an extravagant final date with each of the boys.
Matty is first, and they’re going somewhere secret. All I see are bells. Oh, they’re at the Bell of Happiness. Of course they are. Georgia explains the tradition that if two or more people ring it together, it brings everlasting peace and happiness. You can then write a message on a little bell and hang it so it’s in the Bell of Happiness forever. This actually sounds amazing and very romantic and I want to go immediately.
They joke about going deaf from the bell and mishearing each other and man she really loves him, doesn’t she? If this isn’t a winner’s date, I don’t know what is. They mush a billion times.
Their next stop is something adventurous. Read: a zip-line.
Speaking of which, I’ve seen a couple of people Tweet about this and I totally agree - why do you have to be adventurous and love adrenaline to be considered worthy of the Bachelor/Bachelorette? I couldn’t think of anything worse than zip-lining. My date to test if a guy would be the one for me would be: What movie do you pick for us to watch, what’s your favourite type of chocolate, and what’s your McDonald’s takeaway order? I think I could make a pretty good judgement based on that. But is it wrong that two of the questions are food-based? Also I’d see how Sam appreciated his lap, and if said man would go out of his way to not disturb Sam while he’s asleep on his chest, so that’s something.
Matty and Georgia decide to race and joke about if one wins, they have to give the other kiss at the end. They both seem really natural and like they’d be happy together.
SIGH. FINE. MATTY J, YOU’VE DONE IT. I’M WON OVER, OK? I THOUGHT YOU WERE ANNOYING AND WEIRD, AND I WAS GOING FOR LEE, BUT YOU’RE ACTUALLY PRETTY NICE. AND GEORGIA SEEMS THE MOST NATURAL AND HAPPY AROUND YOU. I KNOW YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO WIN, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M NOT EVEN MAD ABOUT IT ANYMORE. I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M STILL TYPING IN CAPITALS.
OMG, stop everything. She’s in a butterfly park. They’re just sitting while there are butterflies everywhere. They’re picking them up and everything. This looks amazing. This is like my dream date, minus the zip-line.
Matty’s final thoughts are: he loves her. He misses her when he’s not with her. There’s lots of kissing. Matty says, “This doesn’t feel like a goodbye, it feels like the beginning.”
The Final Date with Lee
Here are my first observations: He’s wearing very white short-shorts, and is very fidgety.
For their super-romantic date, Lee and Georgia ride a trishaw. Around Singapore. Looking at the city. I’m worried this is all the date is.
But it’s ok, they arrive at…nope, nowhere, they just keep riding on.
Now, at night, and in different outfits, they’re on a boat looking at the city. How many angles can you look at one city? I mean, it’s pretty and everything, but this isn’t a winner’s date, is it?
- Side note: Although, remember that time we all thought Sam wasn’t going to choose Snezana because she got the picnic on the dirt while the other girl got a fancy date? They’ve pulled this trick on us before, so let’s not place our bets just yet…
Lee asks Georgia what her family thought of him, and she tries to get out of it by saying, “Um…well…Dad loved you.” Almost as if instructed by producers, Lee says that Katie confronted him about being “too smooth”. Georgia is shocked, because OMG Katie totally said the same thing to her. How totally crazy!
- Side note: I’m not sure what the problem is here. Is it the fact that Lee was too prepared, like Hillary is for Presidential Debates? If anyone’s too smooth, it was Jake. This is just the “he’s too perfect” thing all over again.
Georgia and Lee are still on the boat, and watch as the city does this crazy psychedelic laser light show for some inexplicable reason.
Lee’s nervous because he’s going to tell her he loves her.
But, oh, wait, not there. The location must be perfect. They’re going to have some sexy pool time on the top of a building. You know, the one that looks over the city. It’s pretty cool, actually. I don’t know why I’m making fun of it.
Lee is about to say it, but Georgia’s leaning back and actually looks a bit scared. Did anyone else notice this weird body language?
He stalls for ages, and finally says he’s fallen in love with her. They mush. Recycling the audio from his time with Katie, Lee says, “as soon as I said it, everything felt right.”
The Finale
Talking-Head-Georgia is crying talking about who she should choose. Present-Day-Contemplative Georgia does yoga (what?) and contemplates.
Ahhhh it’s happening!
Cue tracking shots of half-naked guys getting dressed.
Cue last minute sponsor shoe-ins.
Cue slow-motion diamond draping.
Cue double doors opening and a power walk straight to camera.
And who is waiting at the end of the walkway? None other than the always-reliable Osher.
Right, so, I’m not as invested in this moment after Richie broke my heart by not choosing Nikki. I don’t trust this show anymore, so I have no idea who’s winning. I’ve been burnt before. I’m trying very hard to not fall in love with either of them. However, I think Georgia definitely clicks more with Matty. They just seem to connect in a natural way. They seem like they’d be best friends, as well as romantic partners. I want her to pick Matty for herself, not for me, and I never thought I’d be backing him.
Osher says this is as far as he goes, and walks Georgia to the limo. Geez…does he go and get shot after this? #SaveOsher
Georgia now stands at the end of a rose petal walkway beside a pool in the back courtyard of a hotel in the randomest location ever.
Now, we all know first out of the limo is the runner-up. Thanks to a strategically-placed ad break, the tension is heightened. Who will it be?
Lucky for you, you’re reading this, and you don’t have to wait.
- Side note: The following is my completely un-edited reaction to what happened.
First out of the limo is…fuck, no way. IT’S MATTY J. JESUS. I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING, AGAIN. SHOW, WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!
We listen to Georgia say nice things to him. Before breaking his heart.
Oh Matty, I’m so sorry. He drops her hands. He can’t even look at her. Jesus. He’s crying. This is intense. He can’t talk, the poor thing. He says he’s absolutely devastated. Well, it isn’t any Nikki concession speech.
He hugs her and says, “I really don’t want to let you go.” Oh man and he said he felt like it was the beginning when he was in the butterfly enclosure. This is awful. I’m crying, I’ll fully admit it.
In his Rejection-Limo, Matty says, “I kind of wish that I didn’t love her right now. I wish you could flip a switch and stop having those feelings for someone.” Oh, God. Excuse me while my heart just smashes into a million pieces.
Meanwhile, in Happy Fairytale Land, Georgia says that “Lee makes me laugh more than anyone else has.” Um, I don’t think we’ve ever seen her laugh with Lee, but you know who she has laughed with? MATTY. MATTY BROUGHT HER MORE JOY THAN AN ICE CREAM ON A HOT SUMMER’S DAY.
Georgia says that “When Lee told me he loved me, that was the happiest moment of my life.”
They say nice things to each other, she finally gets to say she loves him, and they mush. The donkey even gets a mention. It’s very romantic. He keeps trying to say romantic things while all she wants to do is kiss him. He’s so happy. She’s so happy. He’s scooped her up! There’s a dramatic pan across the city! The music swells!
And that’s it. All over, red rover.
Well, I can’t believe I’m disappointed that Georgia didn’t choose Matty, when I really disliked him from the start. I backed Donkey Lee, and he’s got it, but for some reason, I feel unfulfilled. I guess we don’t know what happens behind the scenes, and we’ll never know how someone truly feels, and if Georgia says she loves Lee, then I guess we’ll just have to believe her. EVEN IF WE SAW NO EVIDENCE FOR THIS AND STACKS OF EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY.
Thank you to everyone who has read these recaps – I hope you’ve all enjoyed them. Thanks to the love of my life for reading every single one of them with me hanging over his shoulder asking which bit he was up to. I love you.
I’m really proud of myself for sticking with it and recapping a whole season of this show. It’s been tiring and frustrating at times, but it’s also been a really great experience. I love this show, and it’s been really fun analysing it and sharing my thoughts, even if no one else is reading them.
Who knows, maybe there’ll be some more Bachelor reviews in the future…
Well, here we are! Final three! This season has gone super quickly and I can’t believe we’re at the final week, but to be honest, I’m kind of ready for her to just bloody pick one already.
We open with Georgia daydreaming about how alone she is and how she can’t wait to find the love of her life. Have I mentioned she quit her job for this? She stares off into the sunset whilst thinking of the tough decision she has ahead of her, and journals in what looks like a Kikki-K notebook. I swear it is. It’s got the grass bits that the cat collection had. Man, if that’s it, and I picked it from that two second glimpse, Kikki-K definitely need to hire me.
The Lee Date
We cut to Lee, who basically admits he loves Georgia without using those words. Queen Georgia arrives in a helicopter to pick him up. They kiss. Georgia loves him. He’ll win.
They go in the helicopter and she explains that she wants to revisit the romance of their previous dates. Um…what? Like…their previous two dates? Why are they reflecting? What is there to bloody reflect? They’d be better off creating new dates. So I’m assuming we’ll have a date with reminiscing on the good old times…Oh Jesus, wait, they’re LITERALLY doing the recapping thing. They’re flying over the beach where they had their first date. She wanted to remind him of their date by flying over it, and not because it was just on the way to their final destination and she has no control over where the pilot wants to go.
Oh wow, now they’re flying over the patch of grass where they practiced the Dirty Dancing lift a million times and LEE RECOGNISES THE PATCH OF GRASS. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
They kiss again and stumble upon a pre-prepared picnic spot in the middle of nowhere. Georgia is wearing ten-inch killer heels, like the total Power Queen she is.
- Side note: I love Georgia’s red skirt. It has a bow on the back and it’s perfect. If anyone knows where I can get one, please let me know.
Lee says he’s falling for her. Georgia blinks at him, wide eyed. Lee continues to open up to her, and Talking-Head-Georgia says she could just see it working.
WHAT’S THE GODDAMN WAIT THEN?! JUST END THE SHOW NOW!
They kiss for the billionth time and HE THROWS HIS WINE AWAY BECAUSE HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE ROYAL DOULTON CRYSTAL HE JUST WANTS TO KISS HER.
Part of me is angry about the wastage, but the more romantic side of me things it was totally epic and passionate.
Georgia and Lee then stumble upon two random bikes parked outside someone’s fence, and decide to take them for a spin in their first foray into burglary duo, Georgie and Lyde.
Talking-Head-Georgia says, “Picturing a future with him is really easy.” Well, we’re done then, right?
They bond over their Melbournisms, but uh oh, apparently that’s a bad thing. Georgia’s worried because Lee keeps going on about how great Melbourne is, which she agrees with, but for some reason she’s annoyed about? I don’t know, I didn’t really follow it.
- Side note: I hate these kind of moments in the show. It’s like the producers create a fake drama, and then work backwards to try and reach that conclusion. It’s like the conversation in the writing room was:
Right, so they’re both from Melbourne. What could the complication in the relationship be so the viewers aren’t certain whether he’s chosen?
Well, it sure is convenient they’re both from Melbourne.
So what you’re saying is, maybe he’s…too perfect?
Yes! That’s it!
Georgia starts grilling Lee about if she was from somewhere else (like Brisbane! Represent!), would they still like each other.
It’s such a bullshit question and is so manufactured. The point is, they’re not from different places, and it’s UP TO BLOODY HER IF SHE WANTS TO CHOOSE HIM OR NOT. ARGH.
Lee says he’s falling for her, and they kiss. Talking-Head-Georgia says it’s the best thing she’s heard all day. UM, HE LITERALLY JUST SAID THIS EXACT THING TO YOU A FEW HOURS AGO AND YOU DIDN’T REACT AT ALL.
The Jake Date
Georgia arrives on a boat in Sydney to meet Jake. Talking-Head-Georgia says, “There’s never been any doubt in my mind that Jake would be here at this stage.” Georgia loves him. He’ll win.
They sail the boat (which is apparently a yacht) and talk about how much they basically love each other.
- Side note: I know I’ve already made a thing about it, but there’s something not quite right about Jake. Maybe not Possible Serial Killer-ey, but something…disingenuous? A bit too smooth…a bit smarmy maybe?
They talk about hometowns and how Jake’s mum was bloody intense, which Jake is surprised to hear. Um, Jake, have you met your mum?
Talking-Head-Georgia says she can’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be than in Jake’s arms.
- Side note: This must be really hard to watch for the guy who wins all this, knowing your girlfriend has said all of these things about the other guys.
They do a stupid Titanic re-enactment and I’m so close to switching the TV off.
After their boat ride, they change in a hotel room (which they also did on The Lee Date but I don’t see him making a big deal about it), and OMG THAT’S RIGHT! HE HAS A CREEPY PINKY RING! HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS?!
They sit on a sexy-time couch overlooking the Sydney skyline and talk about how Jake would move away from his family. Spoiler alert: he probably won’t. His parents don’t want him to go, and it’s tricky because both Georgia and Jake’s mums are unwell. They both moved closer to home for a reason. Georgia says, “I’m not saying if you win this you would have to move to Melbourne.” Come on, yes you are, Georgia.
- Side note: I get the point in not limiting the people on the show to the same state as you, because you want to find true love and true love knows no boundaries, etc. However, if it comes down to the ultimate reason you can’t be with someone, maybe there should have been more thought about it before this moment. Richie was a FIFO, so he could work from anywhere which isn’t as much of an issue, but for someone like Georgia who moved to Melbourne to be with her mum and who doesn’t really want to leave, maybe they should have limited the location a bit. She’s just kind of taken Jake along for this ride, and is only now considering the real life implications of choosing him? I’m not sure…
Anyway, Jake basically says he’d move for her. Georgia doesn’t say she’d move for him. Sigh. They kiss.
The Matty Date
Once Georgia’s finished with Jake, she just pops down the road to meet Matty, who is also in NSW. She pulls up in a fancy car in this shitty reboot of Planes, Trains and Automobiles: Helicopters, Boats and Convertibles.
Talking-Head-Matty explains that he’s only used “The “l” word” with one other person. In the words of grandpa from Arrested Development, “The very fact that you call it that means you aren’t ready.”
Look, I’ll admit that Georgia certainly lights up when she talks about him. But his family is nuts, so who knows. Georgia loves him. He’ll win.
Matty drives the fancy car for some reason, and I just screamed, GEORGIA, HAVEN’T WE BEEN THROUGH THE HAIR THING WITH THE CONVERTIBLE BEFORE? Honestly, it’s like this woman doesn’t listen.
Georgia says for the millionth time, and to the millionth guy, that she’s happy they’re on the same page.
Talking-Head-Matty wants to tell her he loves her, so we’re manufacturing some dramahhh around that. If he tells her he loves her and she doesn’t react, then he’ll be sad. DUDE. SHE’S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY SHE LOVES SOMEONE UNTIL THE END. HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED THIS SHOW BEFORE?
They drive their fancy car to a gin distillery to make their own gin. I’m sceptical. Is this like how Richie and Rachael created their own perfume that time? Look how well that turned out.
Heather/Harriet/Henrietta is there from the distillery to help them select their flavours. Matty puts way too much lemon in and hahaha lolololol he’s so funny!
Sigh.
They finish making the gin and Matty says basically everything else apart from the “l” word, and just as he’s about to, bloody Heather/Harriet/Henrietta ruins the moment. There’s even a dramatic fade to black.
The two of them go back to a pool (a random pool) and have a dip, in that awkward moment every Bachelor season where they just make out half-naked.
Matty is concerned that Georgia hasn’t seen his serious side. Then he gets super serious and sexy-eyed as he stares at her mouth the whole time he speaks. Twenty years later, HE SAYS HE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER, and they kiss. He’s shaking and I’m not sure if it’s “excitement”, or if the pool is freezing.
Look, Georgia, this can’t happen. I’m sorry, but you can’t marry a Matty. Matty isn’t the name of your husband. Matty is a guy you muck around with. Matty has tattoos and is one of the boiz and occasionally puts you down because he’s an awful person but then laughs it off and we’re all just supposed to think it’s funny and forget about it. Sorry, what?
Final Rose Ceremony Time!
I honestly can’t pick it. At this stage, I don’t even know who she’ll choose in the end. They’re all solid mediums. As in ranking, not psychics. Although, they could be, who knows – WE LITERALLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM.
- Side note: I think it’s definitely time for the season to end when I’m shouting at my TV this much.
Each of them had manufactured dramahhh in this episode, but to be honest, I think Jake’s might be the most based in reality. I could be biased, though.
Georgia looks amazing, BUT WHY IS SHE WEARING A STUPID CHOKER?! WHY HAS THIS TREND COME BACK?! WE’RE ALL GOING TO LOOK BACK IN A FEW YEARS AND REALISE HOW STUPID WE LOOKED. AND WE’VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH THIS IN THE 90S! HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING?!
The first rose goes to…Matty. Who is still being called Matty, for reasons. Sigh.
And thank goodness, Lee gets the second rose.
OH AND HE’S SUCH A GENTLEMAN AND SHAKES JAKE’S HAND.
Oh Jake looks like he’s about to cry. I feel awful. I’m sorry I thought you might have been a serial killer, Jake. I’m sure you’re lovely. Georgia’s crying. The boys are crying. Jake’s crying. I’M CRYING.
They go outside to have chats. She doesn’t want to take him away from his family when she knows what they’re all going through. Oh, man.
I wonder if they would be together if their parents weren’t sick. It’s crap how life works out sometimes.
Tomorrow night: Final episode! There are butterflies. The boys get to meet Georgia’s family, and her super intense sister. I wonder if there’ll be a sister-off between her and Matty’s sister?
It’s Hometown Visits! And honestly I’m not really looking forward to this episode, because if Courtney didn’t go home last night, there’s no way he’s surviving past tonight.
We open with Georgia walking ALONE across the countryside. She then sits on a bench ALONE. In case we didn’t realise, Talking-Head-Georgia tells us she’s here to find love.
Hometown Visit #1 – Trapeze Matty – Sydney
Matty sits contemplatively while Talking-Head-Georgia says that her “relationship with Matty has grown so much”, you know, in the way that it can after, like, two whole dates.
We see recaps of these two dates, in case we forgot who he was (hint: we didn’t).
Matty’s brief activity to show Georgia something relevant to him is taking her horse riding. Apparently Matty was a part of Stallion Club as a child, if you know what I mean *suggestive eyebrows*.
For some reason, Georgia is terrified of the horse because it whinnied, which requires a very tight embrace from Matty. Sigh.
They ride along on the horses the front of some houses, for…reasons, as they discuss Matty’s family. He tells Georgia that he’s super close with his older sister, so I guess she’ll be the interrogator tonight.
They stop at some bench and have a fake picnic, while Matty explains that his sister wants him to stay in Sydney, because he’s recently become an uncle. Matty’s apparently been away in London for four years and has only just returned home, continuing this hometown theme of not knowing anything about the contestants for the whole season until this moment (cough Olena and tennis cough).
Matty and Georgia walk away from their impromptu picnic conversation spot, having a sip of champagne, and leaving everything there. Lucky they’ve got people to clean up after them, otherwise I can’t help but think about all of the half-had picnics strewn across Australia.
They finally get to meet the family, and Georgia immediately starts knocking over plants and destroying the place. It’s hilarious.
THERE’S A BABY. HE’S AMAZING. HIS NAME IS GEORGE. I LOVE HIM.
It’s the sister’s baby, and Talking-Head-Georgia notes that Matty seems clucky, and that his family wants him to have babies soon. However, Georgia doesn’t want kids any time soon (shock! Horror! Gasp!).
The grilling from Matty’s brother consists of him asking some relatively reasonable questions, but then the sister steps in.
She asks Georgia if it would be easier for her to pick someone from Melbourne, to which Georgia replies, “On paper, yes, but there were guys who came from Melbourne who aren’t here anymore.” Then the one-on-one grilling begins, and they’re not even trying to make it seem natural anymore.
The sister is intense, saying things like, “I don’t think I can give him up to Melbourne”, as if Matty belongs to her. She explains that he’s the only family she has in Sydney.
She also questions that Georgia doesn’t know who she’ll choose, incredulously saying, “At this stage you don’t know who you’re going to end up with?!” Georgia is honest, and says no.
There’s a bit of sass, a bit of judgement about the process, a bit of interrogation.
They’re editing all of Georgia’s responses out to make it look like she’s being bombarded with questions.
Then the sister asks about Georgia not wanting to have kids straight away. She asks, “Are you willing to compromise a little on that?” Then this happens:
Georgia: “I didn’t have cousins my age when I grew up and I turned out alright.”
Sister: “Well…yeah…we’ll see.”
NOT IN A JOKING WAY, IN A TOTALLY SERIOUS AND RUDE COMMENT KIND OF WAY.
The sister wants Georgia to compromise because she’s worried about the relationship being one-sided. You know, in the way that making Georgia move and have children before she’s ready just so your child can have cousins their age wouldn’t be. ARGH.
Matty and the sister discuss. Matty doesn’t want to say he’s in love because if he does, he could get his heart broken.
- Side note: I don’t get that. Wouldn’t he still be heartbroken even if he didn’t say those exact words? Why does it matter if you say it? You still feel it. Surely he’d be heartbroken whether he admits that he loves her or not.
Afterwards, the sister says to camera that it would be ok if Matty moved to Melbourne because it would be for the right reasons. How nice of her to tell the camera this, and not Georgia.
Talking-Head-Matty admits he’s falling for Georgia, and for a moment I’m worried Georgia might channel Sam Frost and get rid of the second-best earlier to spare his feelings.
They mush.
Hometown Visit #2 – Possible Serial Killer Jake – Gold Coast
Talking-Head-Georgia says, “When I first met Jake I was really drawn to him”, which is code for “I thought he was good-looking and wanted to sex him.”
The two reunite, and it’s revealed that they’re at Jake’s mum’s house already. What?! No pre-amble? No weird half-picnic?!
But it’s all ok, as Jake says, “My parents aren’t home at the moment”, and winks at Georgia as he begins unbuttoning his shirt.
Ok, he doesn’t, but he does say that he wants to show her a family tradition. Oh, God. What the hell is it…?
It’s a turkey. A heavily guarded secret family recipe. All you need to know about this scene is the following quote from Jake,
“Even though it’s a simple turkey, it’s more symbolic than that.”
…
Then they leave to have a weird half-picnic. The mum is set up to be the interrogator, as Jake gives Georgia parting advice of, “Just have fun. Just keep smiling.” THESE DO NOT MEAN THE SAME THING.
They meet Jake’s family, and Jake’s mum cries, which she admits happens every time. Wait…every time? Like, even if he’s just been down at the shops?
He seems like a bit of a Mummy’s Boy. Oh, wait. I take it back. She’s had cancer. She can love her son if she wants to.
The mum and Georgia chat and it turns out Jake has been away for three and a half years (again, who knew?), and his family misses him. Georgia admits that she wants to go back to Melbourne to be with her mum who is unwell, and Jake’s mum doesn’t want him to leave. Cue tension.
Then the brother steps in, asking questions like, “How is Jake going to fit into your life?” Georgia says, “He was hitting me with really tough questions.” Questions that you totally haven’t considered by yourself alone at night or talked about with your future partner, like where you’re going to live or if you’re going to go long-distance? Righto then.
The brother asks how they will make their separate family values work, and if I was Georgia and this wasn’t a dating show, I’d snap back with, “I guess that’s something Jake and I will have to work out together.”
Mum and Jake then go to chat and the mum says, “I would be concerned about you being away from us.” Look, I get she’s sick, and I get they’re a close family, but that’s so strange to me to not want to see your child out in the world living their own life. Maybe I’m just not built like that, but I just find this kind of intense family love so strange and slightly possessive.
They say goodbye in the most boring way, and Georgia clearly can’t see that he has no personality.
They mush.
Hometown Visit #3 – Donkey Lee – Melbourne
First point: he has an amazing bunch of flowers for her.
The only thing Georgia’s worried about with Lee is the eight-year age gap. You know, that thing that’s been playing on her mind since the beginning, but that she’s only mentioning now.
They get a coffee, and Lee says, “What’s more Melbourne than a Melbourne…rooftop?” Sorry, I’m not from Melbourne…is this a thing? Because when I think of Melbourne, my first thought isn’t “rooftops”.
Lee explains his family to Georgia, setting up his Grandma by saying, “It’s Grandma’s dying wish to have grandchildren.” Oh, boy. This’ll be good.
They meet the family. The mum looks shocked, and almost drops a dish. What, she wasn’t fricken ready?! Did she not know they were coming?
Grandma is immediately amazing and tells Georgia that Lee was conceived in Tasmania.
- Side note: Do you think old ladies get off on saying outrageous and scandalous things, knowing they can get away with it?
It doesn’t take long, and the Grandma starts to annoy me. She’s talking at Georgia a lot, and not really letting her answer the questions properly.
The mum takes Georgia aside as the interrogator…although I think Grandma already might have taken that title.
Suddenly, mum reveals that Georgia is the first brunette out of Lee’s ex-girlfriends. Georgia is immediately paranoid because Lee’s only dated blondes, and this must have a deeper meaning. Um, Georgia, have you seen your final four? Bit similar, hey?
Talking-Head-Georgia says that a few question marks have come up about Lee and the girls he has gone for in the past. She says, “I don’t think I’m Lee’s type, and that worries me.” What the f?! He’s with you, isn’t he?!
There’s obviously nothing going on in this episode so the producers have to create some drama. Because of the colour of your hair you’re seriously questioning the entire relationship you have with this guy? My eyes rolled so hard I was worried they would get stuck in the back of my head.
They say goodbye to the family, and Grandma tells Georgia to just forget about the other boys, and it’s really great. She’s redeemed.
They mush.
Hometown Visit #4 – “Sweetheart” Courtney – Sydney
Talking-Head-Georgia admits that she doesn’t feel confident that Courtney likes her.
We see flashbacks to the cocktail party the other night when he mentioned once that he worries about the other guys, and it’s like the worst thing any human has ever said to another human.
Back in present day, they run on the beach. Georgia says, “I am aware he does these fun things with me to avoid having the serious conversations”, after Courtney literally said, “We talk about serious stuff all the time, let’s just have fun today.” Sigh.
They sit on the beach and share feelings. They both admit that their whole journey has been up and down. Georgia again said that she feels he’s sending her mixed messages.
Courtney says he wants to have a relationship with her, but Georgia pushes him on it, asking if it’s something he really wants, and he says he doesn’t know if he goes to bed hoping they’ll be together. Talking-Head-Georgia says it’s not a good sign that he can’t answer that question at this point in the journey.
She’s starting to cry, and we all know he’s going home. Georgia explains that she needs to ask herself who she can absolutely not fathom never seeing again.
Courtney admits that he usually falls in love with someone after being best friends with them…mate, you’re probably not right for this show, then.
It’s getting a bit awkward and a bit snappy and they’re snapping at each other and mum and dad please don’t fight!
Talking-Head-Georgia explains that the only reason Courtney isn’t going home straight away is because she doesn’t want to have any regrets.
- Side note: There was a time Courtney was my favourite. That time has very much passed. Part of me wants Georgia to understand that not everyone has to fall all over her, but I understand that it’s hard to do that with other guys around who do fall over you. Also, Courtney is being a bit of a dick with the way he’s explaining his feelings and speaking to her.
They meet the family.
Georgia’s gets grilled by the sister, and Courtney’s not helping at all, just sitting there in silence. Urgh, this is awful. It’s like an awkward train wreck, if there is such a thing.
Courtney’s brother says at the table, in front of Georgia, that Courtney seems out of sorts. Courtney doesn’t want to talk about it and shuts him down. It’s really uncomfortable.
Talking-Head-Georgia says she doesn’t think Courtney is ready for a relationship. The brother doesn’t do much to shed more light on anything, in their one-on-one chat. Why are we dragging this out?
They mush, but it’s passionless, let’s face it.
They say goodbye and Georgia turns the corner before pulling out her phone and calling one of the producers, “Has Cam already left or…?”
Pre-Rose Ceremony Time!
Oh, how delightful – we get a montage of all the times Courtney had pissed Georgia off and passed up time with her.
She’s dressed as a rose in the most stunning dress ever as she goes to speak with Courtney before the Rose Ceremony. And we all know what’s about to happen.
Georgia explains to Courtney that she wants to be standing there at the end madly head over heels in love and knowing that the other person feels the same way.
Courtney says that he doesn’t fall in love at first sight, that he needs extra time. He explains, “We would work, but in this situation…I can’t give you that clarity right now in the stage that we’re at. The few moments that we’ve had, maybe that’s enough for some people.” “It’s enough for me,” Georgia interjects.
Courtney says, “Can I tell you I love you at the end of this? I don’t know.”
He tells her he isn’t in love with her right now, nailing his coffin even tighter shut with each word he utters.
Look, I get where he’s coming from. It’s a weird situation to fall in love, but you knew what the process was coming into this show, so don’t you just need to put aside everything and dive headfirst into the experience? Otherwise, what’s the point in being on the show?
Georgia says that it could be different if they didn’t meet like this. But unfortunately, they did meet like this. She’s crying, and it feels like a hard situation all around.
I swear this conversation goes for an hour. She says the same thing over and over again. Just let him go. You get it, he get’s it. Just end it now.
Georgia says that there’s no point in having a Rose Ceremony. There’s one of these classic moments in every season.
They’re silent for a while as he processes, until she says, “I think you should go now.” Jesus, Georgia that was a bit harsh! Give the guy a minute! Can he finish his drink, or is she kicking him out immediately?
She sits alone and cries, while the music swells. All I can think is that she’s wasted an incredible dress on this one conversation.
Then the shot cuts to Georgia in the limo, which is super weird and looks for a moment like she’s eliminated herself.
There’s no Limo-Courtney, and no goodbye statement. Not even an Osher to explain to the rest of the boys that there won’t be a Rose Ceremony.
Shit. Just. Got. Real.
Next episode: A helicopter…a boat…a car…what is this? An advertisement for transportation options? Georgia’s saying goodbye to one of the guys in a finale-like setting, which looks very intense. I’ll get the tissues ready.
Listening to my feedback from last week, this episode starts with the bros talking around the dining room table, so we’ve progressed to the next room, which is good.
Osher enters with a date card. Matty J (why are we still calling him Matty J?! There’s no other Matt in the house! This is beyond ridiculous) reads out the date card, which goes to Donkey Lee.
Possible Serial Killer Jake is a little bit jelly, because he thinks he’s put himself out there more than Lee has. I’m confused…wouldn’t that be the point of Georgia spending time with Lee then? To see if she likes him?
And as if she read my mind, Talking-Head-Georgia says today is a make or break situation for her and Lee. She then says, “We’re like the same person”, not only stealing my line with my boyfriend, but also negating her previous statement that this is a make or break situation.
They’re having a romantic date which is reminiscent of Georgia’s favourite movies. Da faq? What does that even mean?
Oh, wait. It’s pouring rain and she wants to recreate the lift from Dirty Dancing.
To make this dream happen, they’ve brought in a stunt guy who worked on Mission Impossible and Star Wars.
- Side note: Do you think when this guy was a little boy who dreamed of being a stunt coordinator, this was his Everest? Or do you think he’s questioning how his career came to this moment?
After giving some vital advice that they need to communicate with their “body language, eyes and…words”, he f’s off to let Lee and Georgia have at it.
They do the lift multiple times, but apparently they don’t think they do so they build up to doing it one last time. Then they kiss. Lee says, “It was so sexy kissing Georgia in the rain.” Ahem. Yes. It was.
Then, back at the mansion, Matthew walks in with A BUCKET OF KFC. Hmmm…I wonder who the sponsor is tonight? The KFC looks fresh and non-greasy. I call bullshit. The bag has no oil stains. Oh god, it’s the worst product placement ever. The boys chat while casually eating their KFC that they totally didn’t plan.
- Side note: Do you think the writers have bets to see who can put in the most obvious and overstated product placement?
Back on the single date, Georgia and Lee are on a sexy-time couch in front of a fire. So, wait…their date was just standing on a patch of grass and doing a lift? If I was Lee, I’d turn to the producers and call bullshit. Sam and Rhys got a private theme park for Pete’s sake. You get a muddy ground.
Lee is wearing glasses, which makes him look like Clark Kent. Oh, Lee. You are very good-looking, let’s face it.
Talking-Head-Georgia says that Lee “doesn’t make much of an effort to speak to her at cocktail parties.” Jesus. You’re damned if you interrupt, and you’re damned if you let her take the lead.
Lee explains that he’s worried about getting hurt. Georgia does not comprehend and it gets awkward for a second, but Lee saves the moment by saying that he hates having to leave her.
He’s truly amazing. He’s saying such nice things. Georgia, marry him. Lee says that he loves everything about her. He’s listing all the things. Oh, man. Georgia, if you don’t take him, I will.
But apparently this is what Georgia wanted to hear, because it’s all sorted now and she likes him. I’m so confused.
Group date time! Osher explains that the boys are at the oldest recording studio in the southern hemisphere, to record their very own song with some random music producer guy with initials for a name (I’m sorry, I have no idea who he is).
Georgia loved the song the boys sang to her at the cocktail party a few weeks ago (aka the best moment on any TV show ever), and she wants to recreate that. Georgia, you can’t recreate perfection.
- Side note: Lee is wearing a shirt, jacket, and then has a flanno tied around his waist. Why? When are you going to need an extra shirt? Why wouldn’t you put the shirt on underneath your jacket and then take your jacket off if you get hot? I’m so confused what fashion is these days.
The boys are all super nervous, and say they can’t sing, except Matthew who seems excited.
Georgia chooses to work with Cameron, and the remaining boys pair up.
Cameron describes the song as an “upbeat love ballad”, and I have no idea what that means. Matthew describes the song as “Darryl Braithwaite meets 50 Cent”, and I also have no idea what that means. But they are all drinking beers, so that’s something.
Lee and Courtney are in the booth first and…OH GOD. THEY’RE AWFUL. THE LYRICS ARE AWFUL. Lee is the worst, and he knows it, too. It’s very cringeworthy.
Georgia and Cam are next, and yep – more cringe, followed by Matthew and Jake. Matthew is…doing a rap? And Jake is…doing one too? Oh god. This is so awful.
I think they’ve done the classic Bachelor thing of finding something good (like the serenade a few weeks ago), and then ruining it by making it bigger and milking it.
They all listen to the finished song. It’s produced to hell and it’s awful. Their voices are completely auto-tuned and they sound nothing like themselves. I don’t think I can trust any music anymore if this is what they can do with it!
Osher’s dying slightly inside as he’s listening, and I’m joining him. It’s sooooo cringeworthy.
There are flashbacks of the boys recording with the track playing over the top. I don’t even know what this show is anymore.
Finally, it ends, and Georgia chooses Jake for the one-on-one time because he “made his part of the song personal to the connection he has with Georgia”. Oh, it’s bloody all about Georgia, isn’t it?
They’re going somewhere that Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus went and apparently we’re supposed to care about that.
I’m a bit concerned for her safety being with Jake…given he’s a possible serial killer and all. The sit on a sexy-time couch and we apparently need a flashback of their first date because we may have forgotten who he is.
The whole time Georgia and Jake talk about their first date and how they realised they have chemistry. That’s it. It’s so boring. Then they say weird, flirty things, which are very clichéd and lame and it’s equal parts cringe-y and creepy. This might be the cringiest episode to date. They kiss.
Cocktail Party time!
Georgia’s dress is amazing. Oh man, I would kill to wear something like this one day.
Matthew is first chosen for one-on-one time. Georgia says that her biggest fear coming in to this was that no one would like her. Awww, Georgia. That’s so sad, but I completely know what she means.
Georgia then asks Matthew what his fear was. Matthew replies, “I think I had a biggest hope, more than a biggest fear”. Dude, that wasn’t the question. You can’t just ask yourself the opposite question and then answer that. Oh, who am I kidding? Politicians do it all the time.
Firefighter Cameron is next for a chat. He pitches his family, very aware that hometown visits are around the corner.
Talking-Head-Georgia says that she’s not getting that confidence from him every time she speaks with Cam. Nope, don’t fall for it, guys. He’s a decoy. He’s not going home.
Courtney is next. Unfortunately for him, he tells the truth, and says that Georgia’s very hard to read. He explains that it’s hard not to think about the other guys being with her, given he is on a show where multiple guys compete for the love of one woman. Georgia seems personally offended by this, so Courtney is definitely going home.
Post-Cocktail-Party-Georgia says she’s not ready to say goodbye to any of these guys. I know what she means - there’s really not a bad guy here. This is so different to any other season where there’s usually a clear winner.
Rose Ceremony time!
One guy is going home, obviously. Lee is first chosen, then Sir Matthew Matthewington, and Jake. No way is Cam going home, so looks like Sweetheart Courtney is going home.
Oh, Courtney. You made the fatal mistake of telling her the truth, and also by not completely forgoing your dignity for her. How dare you.
HOLY SHIT. WHAT. NO. COURTNEY GOT CHOSEN. CAM, WHO WAS SERIOUSLY MY PICK TO WIN, IS GOING HOME. JESUS. I need a minute…
Ok, I’m back. So I don’t know anything ever, and I totally didn’t see this coming. Georgia takes him outside. They hug and he says such nice things. Oh man. This is awful. Why can’t she just have all of them?! Oh, he even bloody helps her back to the room with his umbrella and then walks off. This is just terrible. Jesus. I am totally shocked. I honestly thought he would win this.
Tomorrow night: Hometown visits! Oh, it’s ok, it looks like Courtney’s going home tomorrow night.
Note: I decided to leave in the parts where I said Cam was a decoy because it honestly shocked me that he went home. I know other reviewers can always pick who is leaving, and maybe they are just better at analysing the show than me, but sometimes I find it a bit convenient when they can “pick” who’s going home when it’s totally not obvious. So I thought I would leave it in, because that’s honestly how I felt as a viewer.
