From a recent book
We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other people's reactions; nor are they responsible for ours.
If we feel chronically angry or bitter in an important relationship, this is a signal that too much of the self has been compromised and we are uncertain about what new position to take or what options we have available to us. To recognize our lack of clarity is not a weakness but an opportunity, a challenge, and a strength.
It is an act of courage to acknowledge our own uncertainty and sit with it for a while. Too often, anger propels us to take positions that we have not thought through carefully enough or that we are not really ready to take.
It's important to clarify what you actually want for yourself and how to make that happen instead of focusing on what you want from others. The growing inner conviction that we can no longer continue to overfunction or underfunction for our own sake is the most important part.
People can be afraid of separateness which can make them uncertain about stating their positions.
Countermoves are par for the course when we begin to define a stronger self. People also feel afraid of separateness from others when they're on the receiving end of someone's clarified independence, and will frequently test or protest these new changes before setting in.
Relationships are circular (A and B are mutually reinforcing) rather than linear (A causes B or B causes A). Once a pattern is established in a relationship, it is perpetuated by both parties.
Overfunctioners and underfunctioners reinforce each other's behavior in a circular fashion. Example #1. Person A underfunctioning in making decisions for themself by being lazy or relying on Person B to make the decision can result in the Person B overfunctioning even more by making even more decisions. Example #2. Person A being very upset about Person B's work problems can result in Person B feeling not upset and not owning their own problems because Person A is overfunctioning and upset enough for the two of them.
Communication styles make little difference if the person does not modify their over or underfunctioning position.
When we do not put our primary emotional energy into solving our own problems, we take on other people's problems as our own.
