[kathleenyang]

almost 28

One thing i've learned from my time at this company and also from my partner's mom is that it's really important to appreciate the differences in people to build successful teams.

People often think that if someone just listened to them and did it their way, then they would win. But imagine you had a team with people all like you. That means your team would have all the same strengths and all the same weaknesses, leaving you with huge blind spots.

Everyone is different and has unique strengths and weaknesses. The more diverse your team is, the greater range of strengths you have access to. Making the most of those variety of strengths can improve the results you get and protect you from each person's blindspots.

When my manager was teaching me how to handle a new situation, they initially wanted me to do it their way. But then they realized that I'm a totally different person and that it's better to come up with a style that leverages my unique strengths to get the same results, so they started connecting me to other people who were able to accomplish the same thing but in various approaches to inspire me to figure out how to handle the situation in my own way. Through that, I was able to figure out a way that worked for me and was still just as effective.

[kathleenyang]

From a recent book

We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other people's reactions; nor are they responsible for ours.

If we feel chronically angry or bitter in an important relationship, this is a signal that too much of the self has been compromised and we are uncertain about what new position to take or what options we have available to us. To recognize our lack of clarity is not a weakness but an opportunity, a challenge, and a strength.

It is an act of courage to acknowledge our own uncertainty and sit with it for a while. Too often, anger propels us to take positions that we have not thought through carefully enough or that we are not really ready to take.

It's important to clarify what you actually want for yourself and how to make that happen instead of focusing on what you want from others. The growing inner conviction that we can no longer continue to overfunction or underfunction for our own sake is the most important part.

People can be afraid of separateness which can make them uncertain about stating their positions.

Countermoves are par for the course when we begin to define a stronger self. People also feel afraid of separateness from others when they're on the receiving end of someone's clarified independence, and will frequently test or protest these new changes before setting in.

Relationships are circular (A and B are mutually reinforcing) rather than linear (A causes B or B causes A). Once a pattern is established in a relationship, it is perpetuated by both parties.

Overfunctioners and underfunctioners reinforce each other's behavior in a circular fashion. Example #1. Person A underfunctioning in making decisions for themself by being lazy or relying on Person B to make the decision can result in the Person B overfunctioning even more by making even more decisions. Example #2. Person A being very upset about Person B's work problems can result in Person B feeling not upset and not owning their own problems because Person A is overfunctioning and upset enough for the two of them.

Communication styles make little difference if the person does not modify their over or underfunctioning position.

When we do not put our primary emotional energy into solving our own problems, we take on other people's problems as our own.

[kathleenyang]

Letter from an 85 year widow: My childfree experience and a few humble opinions

"Dear Young People

I wonder if I am the oldest person to post on this forum? It was a young lady who told me about this forum and I have read many of your posts and comments for a few weeks. Many have made me smile. Some have made me wince.

It appears to me, many of you on here to validate your life changing decision. Finding people similar to you is important and I understand the need. So can I just say, from my experience, your decision is a good one! And if you want to know why I think that, please give me 5 minutes of your time.

I was married for just over 50 years. We bucked the norm and did not want kids. In those days we said “we are trying” for a few years and then “we cannot have kids” case closed. It was our personal secret. It was nobody’s business. If we were honest and said “we cannot have kids, because we just don’t want them” the fallout with family and friends would have been tough for us.

Our 50 years in a nutshell was perfect. Good jobs, no money worries, followed our own interests and hobbies. Had many friends and many lovely nieces and nephews. If I could go back in time, would I do it again? (being childfree), 100% yes. I would live the same life one thousand times.

I know and have known many people. This is my humble observation:

GROUP A: They have kids, have a great life and all is perfect. I know many, so it can and does happen.

GROUP B: They have kids, it is a hard life and they have problems. Many wish they could have a childfree do over.

GROUP C: They have kids, all is good. But then the empty nest and dwindling contact breaks their hearts.

GROUP D: The childfree group. I only knew a few.

I cannot give breakdowns and percentages for all the groups. The bottom line, in my experience, GROUP D is always the happiest and most content. Of course there are a many happy people from GROUP A too.

My husband died 10 years ago. I mourned him and still miss him every day. But being childfree means this; my life was never defined by kids. I had a strong network of friends and so many hobbies. I was able to move forward. Life goes on and I have a full and happy life and a new partner.

My friends who have lost their partner, who have kids, their common problems is their kids don’t give them enough time. It upsets and hurts them. They are too reliant on them. They expect “payback” for all the time and money they spend on them. Their interest and hobbies are sometimes nonexistent, because everything is/was about their kids (and grandkids). One friend said this, which I never forgot “the empty nest thing is real, it is like being dumped by the love of your life after two or three decades, but staying friends. It is never the same”

I now have a private apartment in “rest home”. Lovely friends, full busy days and lovely staff, one being the young lady who has asked me many questions about being childfree and told me about this forum.

Good luck to you all."

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To me, what this says is that it's not about the choice of having kids, but whether you have your own happy full life regardless of kids and not making them your whole life or resenting them. That seems to be what makes the difference. I want to approach having kids with a generous spirit where I'm enjoying their presence while they're here and giving them a good life by providing stability, kindness, and peacefulness, and not expecting that just because I had them, they owe me.

[aiuolae]

[kathleenyang]

Why don't most of us view problems as opportunities in our everyday lives?

What I Wish I Knew When I Was 20 - Tina Seelig

[withthepowerofpeace]

There are two types of people in this world–the proactive and the reactive–those who take responsibility for their lives and those who blame; those who make it happen and those who get happened to.

[thegoodvybe]

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

“We’re all so desperate to be understood, we forget to be understanding.” - Beau Taplin (via quotemadness)

via @quotemadness

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

via @extramadness

[wordpainting-deactivated2023071]

I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always … so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

Yann Martel, Life of Pi (via wordpainting)

[dephus]

It’s important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse.

Yann Martel, Life of Pi (via ohteenscanrelate)

[kathleenyang]

To set up a day of mindfulness, figure out a way to remind yourself at the moment of waking that this day is your day of mindfulness. You might hang something on the ceiling or on the wall, a paper with the word "mindfulness" or a pinebranch-anything that will suggest to you as you open your eyes and see it that today is your day of mindfulness. Today is your day.

Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness

[hungerorsuperabundance-deactiva]

How does one become stronger? By deciding slowly; and by holding firmly to the decision once it is made. Everything else follows of itself.

Friedrich Nietzsche, The Will to Power (via syntheticphilosophy)

[smozs]

Smozs

[kathleenyang]

“Was I able to live inside someone’s heart? Was I able to live inside your heart? Do you think you’ll remember me at least a little? You’d better not hit “reset!” Don’t forget me, okay? That’s a promise, okay? I’m glad it’s you, after all. Will I reach you? I hope I can reach you.”

[quotemadness]

I exist as I am, that is enough.

Walt Whitman (via quotemadness)

[kathleenyang]

San Francisco

I made it. (:

[quotemadness]

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.

Maya Angelou (via quotemadness)