I wanted to postpone this so badly. Truly, it’s caused much internal conflict but ultimately I decided an explanation of sorts was deserved. So here it is... ⬇
I’ve been struggling. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. I got to a point where, I felt like all I was doing was causing harm to those around me and attempted to end my life. Everything was falling apart for weeks before that and continues to be a apart for the time being, but I’ve rebuilt(ever so slightly) the will to live and persevere. I’m in a dark place y’all and have been for some time. A large portion of it is marital and in law related. But also, I feel disappointed with myself because I thought “When did I stop fighting for the little Bea in me?” From settling to being mistreated to outright endorsing my own abuse, I lost my will to fight. While going through this period of darkness (before I officially came back) I got a message on here, asking for support/advice on a situation that was all too similar to mine. A young, soon to be mom, was experiencing a level of abuse via her in laws and her husband was doing nothing about it. I mean the similarities were uncanny and I found myself typing a long, response to this mama. A lot of projection was in there, which I prefaced, but I found myself thinking “No way in hell you can help someone else but refuse to help yourself.” And boom, just like that, I wanted to thrust myself back onto my platform and create a space/connections with those of us who are isolated the most... SAHPs. Now I’m not going to pretend things are all good or that anger have disappeared from me. I am so angry. It’s ingrained into every fiber of me, especially when I think of what I’ve endured. I’ll never get on here and pretend life is dandy but what I will do is continue to try despite my unwillingness to live. I will try because of the people that reached out and checked out on me during my absence. I will try because of my children. I will cry for my unborn child and I will cry for baby Bea within me, still waiting for me to be the adult she didn’t have. Point is, I will try and I thank each and every one of you who have supported me through my inconsistencies and failures as a blogger. I hope to shine a light in my darkness and leave you all to aspire to greater than me. Until next Friday...
