#thegingerkhaleesi

[thegingerkhaleesi]

I'm drinking and it's so good

[thegingerkhaleesi]

Why do I always want to sleep when I'm drunk?

Maybe because I can feel all of my suppressed emotions that I try my hardest to ignore as and only want to forget them again. Forget I’m human. Forget I can feel. I don’t like it. It’s so… I’ll drink some more.

[thegingerkhaleesi]

Flinch

Me

[thegingerkhaleesi]

I have no money

And I am so hungry

[thegingerkhaleesi]

Well

Gonna get lit again tonight. We all have that one cousin that takes care of you🤘🏻

[thegingerkhaleesi]

Hi I'm Sarah

I like sunflowers and don't understand the word gorgonzola

[thegingerkhaleesi]

I don’t really know how to tell this story

So at the very beginning of the semester I went to concert band auditions where I met some really cool trombone players. One of them was named Matt and I lowkey thought he was cute, prolly because I have track record of thinking older talented trombone players are hot af. Well I didn't make the bad because of reasons, but I did make the trombone choir. The trombone choir where he was the teaching assistant or TA.

We would pass each other often while I was on my way to class or lunch and he would always be sure to smile and wave or at least say hi. He always used my name. And I liked it. He wasn’t hot in my opinion, but he wasn’t ugly. I realized that my lame attraction wasn’t ever going to happen so I moved on to bigger and better things like crushes on other trombone players in the choir. I mean come on guys, I was one of two girls in a room of 29 guys for almost 2 hours a week, my mind has to have something to think about. But I knew nothing was going to happen and I wasn’t sure I wanted it to anyway so that was the end of it.

Just a week ago I had a conversation with the true trombone professor about switching my major to music and getting into the studio. He told me he would be glad to have me in the studio and I would have to wait until spring auditions, but until then I could take lessons from Matt since his personal schedule was way too busy. I agreed thinking that this would be an amazing chance to improve my skills and blow him away with my audition. Nothing could possibly go wrong right?

Then two days ago I got a tinder just for fun. My flirting skills were not on par and I thought this would be a great way to get a little better. I wasn’t going to use it for hooking up because that’s not my thing. I had chatted with a few guys and was just having fun scrolling when it happened. Matt had a tinder and there he was.

Like I said I really was over it, I still found him kinda cute, but I wanted nothing to do with it. I laughed sooo hard when I saw him. My snapchat was absolute fire of videos of me laughing my ass off. I was saying things like which way should I swipe guys and he’s pretty much a teacher so why does he have this. Not to mention a fellow trombone player said he had a long time girlfriend of 6 years, but none of it was adding up. I played with the idea of swiping right just for giggles and shits for almost an hour. I thought it would be hilarious to swipe right, like lol jk I did this as a joke. So I did it, I swiped right.

Most of y’all who have a tinder know that brief moment right after you swipe where you wait to see if you get to continue swiping or if it’s a match. Well I only had that brief moment of complete laughter before it popped up on screen. The dreaded, you’ve matched. Oh fuck, were the first words out of my mouth. Of course I snapped the whole unfolding of the drama, I am quiet dramatic you know. I completely flipped my shit. How am I supposed to take lessons from a guy who thinks I’m hot enough to risk losing his job? Yea that’s right folks, student-faculty relations can get you into some serious shit, especially since he was only a TA. I flipped out all night thinking about how I could not ruin my chances at the studio. But I was also flattered. Then night rolled around to day and he messaged me.

My friends had took bets on what would happen. My favorite, he’d bite, but then realize that he is teaching me and that he made a mistake. Honestly, that’s what I thought would happen. He would say haha nice to meet you and I would say oh boy hey. Then he would be informed of the lessons and ask about me thinking of taking lessons next semester. I would tell him yup I’m changing majors and need to be perfect for auditions. He would say oh wow that’s cool and then say it was joke and he thought it was funny I had a tinder. No, he wouldn’t say wow that’s cool and the say well if I’m going to be your teacher...we got to be careful, with a nice laughing face emoji attached. No, that totally wouldn’t and couldn’t happen. But it did.

I would then laugh and be like yeaaaaa, He would inform me of how many rules hes breaking by just talking to me and how he thinks I won’t go crazy or anything so he’s not worried. I would be like don’t worry about it and it’s all good. Without getting eloquent about my feelings, my mind was blow to mother fucking pieces. Like what the actual fuck is my life. I have never, i repeat NEVER, had someone actually attracted to me and they admit it. How the fuck am I supposed to handle this?! shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit fuck. He says I guessed, you seemed nice. the fuq. He sends me his number. THE FUQ. He tells me he’s not a professional as he seem in choir. THE ACTUAL FUCK. So here a sit staring at the messages from well over an hours ago. What am I supposed to feel? How do I act?

I don’t how to feel about it. Half the time I ask myself is this a sixpenceee story or do I like it. I don’t know why I’m writing it down, it just felt right. I can’t believe my life has gone to shit like this, I am in no way able to adult, how the hell can I make a decision regarding someones feelings. I been brutal to guys before, but they deserved it and I need these lessons...

well fuck.

[thegingerkhaleesi]

sad