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Relient K – Who I am hates who I’ve been
”cause who I am hates who I’ve been. Who I am hates who I’ve been,’
The sun hadn’t arisen yet, in fact it was the middle of the night. PantherLily sat on the pillow he claimed his, on his spot on the bed, silently watching his partner, his tail twitching.
It was one of the bad nights. One of those where the iron dragonslayers dreams were nightmares. The man would toss and turn, sometimes waking up with a start or even a yell. Mostly in fear. It was one of those nights where the black Exceed sat by his side to watch over him. Sometimes whisper comforting words, sometimes calming him down when he woke up all of a sudden.
Gajeel wasn’t prone to sleep much. And having something disturb the few hours of sleep he had in the nights, wasn’t to the felines liking.
The mage was awake for several hours now. Lying on his back, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, not one glance was spared the feline creature at his side. He talked about the old times. His time back in Phantom Lord. How he had crushed dark guilds all by himself. How he had threatened his guild mates, whom he hadn’t credited as his guild mates at all. How he had been the one who had partly destroyed Fairy Tails guild hall. How he had been the one who had hunted down Levy and her team, beat them up and nailed them to a tree. His voice was bitter, silent, full of guilt.
PantherLily had seen many things, back when he had been the captain of the first division. His paws weren’t as clean as some people thought they were. And he had seen his fill of darkness if you asked him.
At one point the dragonslayer got up, not able to lie in the darkness anymore, and walked around the room. The black Exceed listened to the mans reverberating footsteps. It was like they were syncing up to the beating of his own heart. He didn’t say anything. It would have been wrong. If he said something he would feel like he would judge his partner, what he didn’t. Gajeel knew that, maybe that was why he had told him everything. It had been one time when the feline had told his partner, bluntly like the guy he was: “It doesn’t matter what kind of man you where back then. What matters is what kind of man you are now.”
It was the truth. For him, for the guild, for everyone.
This wasn’t the place where the dragonslayer tried to live his life. Not anymore. This was the place where he lived his life, and the feline was glad the man came to this conclusion at least. One thing he didn’t have to worry about. That one day he’d wake up and Gajeel was gone. Looking for a new place to try and life his life. Away from the guild.
He knew, perfectly, how much this very man, his partner, his best friend, the closest thing he had to a brother, despised who he had been in the past. He had heard this sentence often. Mostly in those nights, when the guilt overthrew his partner. When he wasn’t able to stand what he had done in the past. Where not even comforting helped. Where he even refused to scoop up the small feline in his arms, what he did at times.
“I hate who I’ve been.” the same words every time. Walking around in their bedroom. Sometimes tossing small and soft things around. A pillow or two, clothes and stuff like that. Since the Exceed had moved in he refrained from throwing solid things. The room had been a big mess, and they had to renovate everything, because of holes in the walls, unhinged doors, which had most likely appeared in such nights.
Gajeel was glad that he got the second chance.
How people had been there for him, to see him change, even though it took it’s time.
How they didn’t hold his past against him.
Made him to never be that kind of person again.
Even though he never said it out loud.
“I hate who I’ve been.” the man mumbled, when he plopped himself down on the bed. He stretched out one hand, scratching the small feline behind his left ear. So it was the right time to say something. His partner had calmed down some. The loud footsteps had vanished, and didn’t stomp to the felines heartbeat.
“I know.” was all PantherLily said.
And there was the silent understanding between them again. Gajeel knew the feline didn’t judge him. And The Exceed knew his partner accepted it, his past and everything he had done. At least for the meagre rest of this night.
