Big Bold Boundaries
Change your life with preset boundaries.
Becoming the master of myself using preset boundaries took 4 decades to accomplish. I was the default “go to person” in my friend group, when it came to “picking my brain” or getting “something for nothing.” I didn’t think anything of it because I genuinely love helping people problem solve and get in alignment with their desired life experience. The issue was that I was typically over giving and ending up with more heartache that pleasure and no one seemed to care.
Didn’t seem to matter what the context of relationship it was, I was pouring into people who didn’t know how to reciprocate energy.
So, how did I break myself out of these energy draining habits? Figuring out what I desired in advance.
1.) Predetermine your desired experience
This means, spending time imagining what sort of relationship scenarios you desire to experience. For dating, I’m having to imagine the type of environments I’d like to be in when engaging new people. Knowing what spaces feel the safest and which ones that raise my anxiety insures that I’ll at the very least, I’ll enjoy the ambiance just incase the connection isn’t a match. I am the one who takes themselves on a dinner date and then to the movies, identifying the perfect spot for a date, just incase I ever get asked. It may seem fantasy driven but it helps to build self assurance and set a standard of experience that satisfies. It makes for a more custom and authentic life that is based on joy instead of wandering and manifesting low expectations.
2.) Create a do’s and don’ts list of behavior you expect from everyone
Writing out some “behavior absolutes” you won’t tolerate makes you more aware if and when those actions are present in a relationship. Manipulative people tend to draw close to those who haven’t articulated how they expect to be treated. This do’s and don’ts list also serves as a standard for you to follow because it means you are also accountable to meet these expectations. An example of this is establishing a “canceling procedure” that feels good.
What is the amount of time that you need in advance for someone to confirm?
How long do you wait for someone?
I’ve been embarrassed at the amount of time I’ve waited for people to show up. I’m currently in a mood where I just tell people to text me when In route because I’m so used to failed outing plans. For dates, Its a hard 15 mins past agreed time before I shift gears and replace my time slot.
I’ve also been in situations where I’ve run late for online meetings and had to apologize for logging on late. It’s certainly a faux pas with new standards of engagement taking over and I’m the casual one of the group.
Some people are super flexible and don’t have a problem with last minute cancels, I’m typically one of these people. I’ll also find something to occupy myself with so my last minute canceling boundary is typically 1 to 2 hours before a scheduled outing. I personally don’t get bothered, however, If canceling plans becomes a way of being, I’ll loose interest in that friendship.
3.) What is your tolerance for arguments?
I don’t enjoy argumentative people. I do enjoy heartfelt discussions. For me, there is a clear delineation when it comes engaging with people who aren’t active listeners. My rapid thought process isn’t for the faint of heart. At this stage in my life, I quickly assess what level of deep conversation I can have with certain people, and how to keep it in the “shallow end” of the convo pool.
4.) What are your trigger words? What is your ideal body language style?
Knowing what words spark negative emotional responses out of you, will really increase the quality of people you have in your life. A pet peeve is be face to face with someone whose body language is completely disengaged. I will go silent and let the awkwardness stew. I’m not wasting my words on anyone who is looking past me and around at everyone else but me.
What topics do you discuss with new people?
I’m awkward af. I’ll talk about anything I have interest, knowledge and wisdom about. Talking about personal topics in group settings or discussing taboo topics when first meeting people may be way to complex for you and this should be predetermined boundary. This way, you can easily feel a conversation shift into waters that are choppy and uncomfortably bound to breach your barriers.
4.) Learn how to walk away gracefully
When you’re at an event, have you mastered the art of “excusing” yourself? Knowing the social cues of when your body or “gut” is signaling for you to move on is crucial. Standing in a circle with multiple “speed talkers” is something that gets my anxiety brewing. People that must be heard are often the people that I shy away from. I’m usually sipping something observing the interpersonal group dynamics and determining whose lying and whose sweating the most. That’s just me of course. If I’m the host, welp, you’ll get another side of me. Knowing when you step forward and when to step away is a key boundary, I suggest you master it.
5.) Learn to say “NO” or “Nope” or “ Naw” or “Never”
Learning to articulate when something isn’t working for you is super helpful, especially when in business. If you can determine whether or not something isn’t going to work in advance, you are going to have a great life experience. I’ll be the first to admit that I do have an avoidant attachment style and would enjoy a low conflict life… if the world worked the way I imagined it… until then, “No thanks” has saved me from prolonged distress and I highly recommend you predetermine when to use it.
Boundaries are a necessary part of all human experiences and those who know how to eb and flow with them intact are guaranteed to enjoy the ups and the downs like an fun roller-coaster.