OPERATION ICEBERG: THE TIER LIST
THEORY:
Varys is a merman
TIER:
Joke: These theories are an absolute joke; anyone who believes them is a fool.
[Tier list overview]
EVIDENCE:
What's the theory?
Varys is a merman. He's part human, part fish.
That's it, that's the theory.
Why are we doing this?
Despite this being one of the dumbest theories to ever emerge from this fandom, it has somehow still gained traction.
Therefore, we find ourselves obligated to address this utter stupidity.
Proof?* (*We'll use this term loosely.)
Merlings may potentially exist.
Mormont was deaf to the edge in his voice. "The fisherfolk near Eastwatch have glimpsed white walkers on the shore." This time Tyrion could not hold his tongue. "The fisherfolk of Lannisport often glimpse merlings." - Tyrion III, AGOT
We also learn about squishers: big-headed, scaly, white aquatic creatures that kidnap children, and that kind of sounds like Varys.
"Squishers?" Brienne gave him a suspicious look. "Monsters," Nimble Dick said, with relish. "They look like men till you get close, but their heads is too big, and they got scales where a proper man's got hair. Fish-belly white they are, with webs between their fingers. They're always damp and fishy-smelling, but behind these blubbery lips they got rows of green teeth sharp as needles. Some say the First Men killed them all, but don't you believe it. They come by night and steal bad little children, padding along on them webbed feet with a little squish-squish sound. The girls they keep to breed with, but the boys they eat, tearing at them with those sharp green teeth." He grinned at Podrick. "They'd eat you, boy. They'd eat you raw." - Brienne IV, AFFC
Varys is a trained mummer. He is a master of disguise who can alter his voice, gait, smell, and overall appearance.
The eunuch looked at him curiously, tilting his head. "When I was a young boy, before I was cut, I traveled with a troupe of mummers through the Free Cities. They taught me that each man has a role to play, in life as well as mummery. So it is at court. The King's Justice must be fearsome, the master of coin must be frugal, the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard must be valiant … and the master of whisperers must be sly and obsequious and without scruple. A courageous informer would be as useless as a cowardly knight." - Eddard XV, AGOT
Varys has a slimy smile, a hairless scalp, smooth skin, and no genitalia.
"Why are you so helpful, my lord Varys?" he asked, studying the man's soft hands, the bald powdered face, the slimy little smile. - Tyion II, ACOK
Varys was portrayed as asexual in the TV show, and there are hints that his character is similar in the books, possibly implying an exclusive interest in other fish people.
When I see what desire does to people, what it's done to this country, I am very glad to have no part in it. Besides, the absence of desire leaves one free to pursue other things. - S04E06
Varys' bedchamber doesn't seem particularly cozy, which might suggest he's actually sleeping in the sea.
"They are humble. Excessively so, in truth." Tyrion had waited until Varys was summoned by his father before slipping in to pay him a visit. The eunuch's apartments were sparse and small, three snug windowless chambers under the north wall. [...] "There was water in your flagon, gods have mercy," he went on, "your sleeping cell is no wider than a coffin, and that bed . . . is it actually made of stone, or does it only feel that way?" Varys closed the door and barred it. "I am plagued with backaches, my lord, and prefer to sleep upon a hard surface." - Tyrion II, ASOS
This exchange.
He pressed his fingers into his temples. "I told them to throw Allar Deem into the sea. I am sorely tempted to do the same with you." "You might be disappointed by the result," Varys replied. "The storms come and go, the waves crash overhead, the big fish eat the little fish, and I keep on paddling. Might I trouble you for a taste of the wine that Lord Slynt enjoyed so much?" - Tyrion II, ACOK
Whatever argument this individual is attempting to make:
Other things to consider:
In Sanskrit, "vari" translates to "water."
Varys claims to have become a eunuch in Myr (Get it??).
Littlefinger hires The Merling King, a trading galley, possibly signaling his future victory over Varys.
In the television series, Varys survived a ship sinking while others drowned:
COUNTER-EVIDENCE:
No, he's not.
STUMPY'S THOUGHTS:
VOTE:
Does the theory of Varys being a merman belong in the 'joke' tier?
Yes, keep it there.
No, move it.
I welcome discussions. Feel free to reblog, respond, or challenge my perspective—I won't be offended by any of it.
Please note, if "no" is the eventual winner, or if it's competitive, a second poll will be conducted to determine the proper location.
Don't even think about it.
NEXT THEORY:
Cersei is the YMBQ
[Main menu]