I want to be included in plans. I want to be invited. I want the option to say no. I want the assumption to be that I'm having fun, but no pressure if I'm not feeling it.
When I hang out with my old friends, I feel this ease. Like I'm now aware that I talk about random stuff that nobody cares about. And I sometimes pick up on their effort to pay attention or find the point in my ramblings. Which afterwards makes me feel bad/awkward for making them sit through my randomness and thinking that I'm important enough to take their attention for something about me.
When I'm with my parents, I do the same thing. I revert to assuming that they care about the random things my brain thinks are interesting, even if they, objectively, are not. But they either pretend, or actually care because it's something I think is interesting. Either way, they give me the attention to feel appreciated and valued as a part of the group.
When I'm with this group, I don't feel like I fit in. I feel like I'm with the "cool" kids. Who invited me, but might find out that I'm actually not cool?? If I bring up something random, they'll probably listen, but it feels patronizing (maybe projection idk). I expect an awkward silence after. I expect them to not care. I tamp down the impulse to share stupid things in my brain unless I can draw a connection between the person I'm talking to and the Thing in the story I want to tell (like hey Kristen, this book we both like is being made into a movie are you excited, did you see this post about it? Telling a story about Daisy because Chris has a dog too. Telling a story about the kids because I was asked how I'm doing and I can't just say "fine" and leave a silence, I'm supposed to share something about my life and my life is kids. etc. etc.). I don't feel like I fit in. I don't want them to change they way they are together, but I feel like an outsider. But then I also feel like an outsider who isn't allowed to feel like an outsider or I'll make them feel bad that I'm feeling bad. Or then they feel like they have to fix it for me, when I just want to be there. Care that I'm not feeling good or whatever but don't make it your problem. Just make me feel like you care non-performatively.
