Apr 13, 2025
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sometimes I have a normal day and sometimes I remember that my classmate casually held me hostage in his apartment, attempted to assault me, broke/followed me into my apartment—all over the course of 12 hrs…and I just went pretended I was sick the day after and returned to school a day later
My therapist said something today that really stuck with me.
“ If a boundary you set can harm innocent people then it is an unhealthy boundary. It is true we get to set our own boundaries But we can set boundaries that are hurtful or even toxic if we do not hold ourself to a standard of healing “
Today I am committing to not ever do that. Because that’s where I go from here. I don’t allow the fact I am broken to create abusive demands in my own life. I do not forget that my actions can and will affect other people and I only set healthy boundaries and expectations.
I don’t allow what has happened to me to happen to other people through me.
Session two with Viv.
Therapy sucked today.
dAY THREE OF WAKING UP FEELING LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT, wHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, wHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, i’M COOKING UP THOSE NEGATIVE FEELINGS,
Random Journal Entry
The doctor was always trying to label me. Classify me. Pick my brain. So I gave him a piece of it. I opened up to him and it drove him mad. They put him in the loony bin where they can try to sort him out now. The doctor needed to categorize me. Label me. Fit me in charts that define me. I think we all see the world through our own reality map. A transparent graph from which we view life in order to navigate through it. Files, history of my story. My life was on paper before him. The essence of 3-D me, captured on 2-D, for him to see. However, much of the information he received had been misleading. Forcing the poor little doctor to do his own detective work. At first he classified me as nonverbal. Because I never spoke. 50 minute hour long sessions in silence. Every movement was analyzed. As if it somehow described the nature of my thought process.
Some people view the labels as the objects themselves. They look at the labels and not what they modify. The nature of 2-D to 3-D is a deceptive one...when you pull away the graph, you see the things without the pre-conceptions. Some people call this enlightenment. For many sessions we sat in what he thought was complete uncommunicative silence. It wasn't until he reviewed the tapes of the sessions, watching from the eye of the camera, that he realized that I was speaking to him. In one session he noticed my eyes blinking in irregular patterns. Morse code. The next day I spoke verbally. It disorients him so much that he has orderlies sit on either side of me. But I spoke for so long that they eventually fell asleep. I lifted the veil. I took away the grid through which he viewed me. I unfolded his reality. And I used my words to my advantage. Sometimes it was misinformation. Disinformation. And arbitrary communication. My words were more effective at disorienting him than silence. It's all a verbal chess game.
Language is a grid which attempts to present abstract thoughts into definable data. And this doctor had so much data of me at his fingertips. I spoke for days inventing quite an auto-biography. I constructed a wall of information using truth for mortar and bricking it together with outlandish falsehoods. Cup after cup of coffee. He sat transfixed. Hypnotized. After working so hard for so long to glean meaning from almost no information. This overload of data was simply un-chartable. All my answers posed larger questions. First, I played his graph game. I communicated to him through coordinates that could be charted. Once he caught on to the rhythm of the coordinates I changed them. C-5, C-4, C-3, C-2, See One. B-4, B-3, B-2, Be One. I-3, I-2, I Won. I sank his battleship. Then I pulled the graph away, multiplying the possibilities instead of narrowing them. These possibilities, whole and unlabeled, were too much for him to cope with in his rational scientific manner. Once he began to operate in the realm of irrational he became mental himself. He is my proudest achievement to date.