#therapy is magic

[woodsworth]

[shic]

The human body is an amazing, beautiful gift.

Here’s a secret: For most of my life up till a few months ago, I avoided singing and, to a smaller extent, dancing. Singing because I was — I am — tone deaf, so nothing sounded right, and I’d been told so several times. I grew to hate the sound of my own voice, so I stopped singing entirely, even in private. I didn’t dance, except in clubs where I had to or as part of a group, because I am fat and clumsy, and never had any sort of training. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to do those things.

Recently, things have changed a little. I’ve started singing aloud as I walk home at night, and holding one person dance parties in my room to any kind of music I like. I may still sound like shit, but as it turns out, sounding like shit feels really good. Just because I’ve got a stubby body doesn’t mean I can’t move it any way I want. It took me years to relearn these truths. It took me months, too, to unlearn the anxiety that’s built up over the past three years, and learn to smile and say hello to strangers again.

People ask why I came home, and invariably get a half truth or an excuse. The truth — the only one that matters —is that I came home to learn to live, like a morning glory slowly unfurling to meet the sun.

[variablejabberwocky]

Shrink appt went well. I was concerned that I wouldn't have anything to talk about because I haven't been able to make much progress with our plans on my own.

She helped me figure out where and when I was still showing improvements, even in the shit I've been through between our last visit and today.

Also had some ideas on why I may be having so much difficulty with the main project we're working on. I think she's right. Her ideas to fix it helped and seemed to be spot on and made other things I've been doing in my head make more sense.

I know it's got to be hard trying to "install" a sense of safety (a "safe space" to be specific) into the head of someone like me who's life has been all "lol what's that?" so far.

Still not sure if this time it will hold, but it already feels better anchored.

Might just be like how we had to tackle my anxiety. I had to have a few times of NOT being in that state to know what it felt like so I could tell when it was coming on or ramping up so I could start wrangling it into submission. It's much easier to stop, minimize, and/or contain something when you can detect it and know what is and  isn't  a part of it.

Probably what's going on (but in reverse) for our current project. I just hope we find something that works at this because this type of treatment is kind of my best hope for dealing with my worst issues. Everything else has fallen short so far and I worry about running out of options.

But I do feel better. That's always nice.

[variablejabberwocky]

I can tell I'm mellowing out because it's only taken me about a week to come up with the concept for a (particular) fantroll including:

blood color

strife specibus

rough clothing concept

sign

lusus

name

1/2 of a trollian handle

Most of which was done in about 6-10 hours total.

This is a momentous occation. I fantrolled and have yet to flip my shit.

It only took about an hour of lazily sorting through weblinks to come up with a name, and that's usually a week of effort right there.

I mean, holy shit! Therapy is magic.

[variablejabberwocky]

going back and clearing out my old messages from my inbox is shedding all kinds of light on just how much therapy has helped, even in such a short time as I've been on tumblr.

I mean, holy shit! you can just about taste the disfunction on me. I dripped with it and stunk the place up with it to boot!

spazzing everywhere

with freakout sprinkles and extra desperate depression sauce

yikes!

thank fuck for therapy and thank fuck for the ability to get it

I can pretty much follow the messages up to now and see when my shit began to quit flipping like a freakout weasel

which is nice

aside from the recent anxiety attack over a haircut I...can't remember the last time I had an anxiety attack

at least one I couldn't nip in the butt with the drops and talking myself down

it's kind of a novelty to not be experiencing anxiety every moment of every day

I like it :D