#therapy logs

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

Therapy recap

I started off talking about how we're doing better physically. The face swelling is gone and we're feeling better overall. We also got our contacts yesterday so we don't have to keep struggling with our glasses.

I talked about figuring out we're allergic to the wool we've been spinning. I already have some ideas for how to manage it, but it was just really disappointing and frustrating to face yet another barrier to something we want to do. C pointed out that we started spinning in the first place to have a hobby that doesn't worsen our neck so we were already trying to work around our physical limitations so it makes sense this setback was so frustrating.

I talked about how disconnected I've been internally. I've been trying to reconnect but have been facing a lot of resistance (like being put to sleep when trying to journal). I could sense that parts were distressed over the weekend but mostly I was shut out from what was happening. We had some new memories come up on Sunday involving our father and uncle but while the setting was new, the contents were similar to previous memories so I was able to focus on just supporting the young ones.

I talked about reading things from last year and seeing that we were dealing with a lot of physical problems last February and March as well. And reflecting on how our psychiatrist from our teens had pointed out that our mental health tanked during those months each year and suspecting something had happened to us as a kid during those months. And discovering that our face swelled up during holy week last year as well. Which could be a coincidence but feels oddly specific. We talked about the possibility of this being a new manifestation of somatatization. I had expected I would be told it was just a coincidence but C explored the possibility of somatatization. I talked about how it feels like a way to stop me from engaging with trauma/parts stuff as I get shifted into physical management mode. I can't engage internally when all of my energy and focus is devoted to stopping the pain from getting worse.

Towards the end, I talked about going to the bookstore with S and both of us getting frustrated with how romantasy has taken over the fantasy section. How I'm ok with books that have romantic subplots but I can't get into books where the romance is the plot. Which led into talking about how I think I may be on the aromantic spectrum. C and I talked about struggling to understand what romance *is* which makes it hard to understand where I fall on the spectrum. But I've realized that romance isn't something I crave. When I think about dating again, my desires are for friendship/connection and sex, not romance. And I think a lot of our desire for romance when we were younger was actually the desire for escape. Getting married seemed like an escape from my family and romance seemed like a necessary part of that.

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

Therapy recap

TW: csa

We spent the first part of the session going over the communication board we've making and coming up with ideas for the last few empty spaces.

Then we talked about how we've been the past few days before talking about the session in early September when we got too close to some stuff and dealt with internal backlash as a result including a shift change and massively decreased communication. Our communication is slowly getting better but we're still closer to the blank void than to where we were before. C asked how we want to proceed and I said that I want to stop focusing on putting out current fires and get back into things.

We talked about some memories that have come up recently of being at AA meetings with my father as a small child. I described the images and explained that while the images themselves are pretty neutral (well, aside from having a small child at an AA meeting) but the feelings attached feel like those attached to csa memories. We explored these memories and the feelings attached. C asked how we were doing and I explained that I was hearing two voices: one was like a hiss telling me to not get any closer, the other had an almost academic curiosity and wanted to dig deeper. We talked about them for a bit and when C asked what I was hearing at that point they'd gone quiet and I said it felt like when you walk in on a cat doing something and they stare at you before slinking away having been "caught"

[crazedhopelessromantic]

Adrian would tell Joe he doesnt like how it treats his wife. Joe would be so spooked (Adrian also have the memetic thing Anne has. Because why not? )

Adrian and Cain would get along, but there would be some jealousy

Sam. Sam and Adrian would be best friends. Sam was able to talk to Adrian when he was a ghost

Redd and Adrian would be polite to each other, but bot talk much other than when problems arise

Adrian would have so many choise words for Laughy. They wouldn't get along

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

Therapy recap

TW: csa

Started off talking about how we're on day 6 of a migraine ;-; it's not a particularly bad migraine but the persistence is wearing on me. Our migraines are usually pretty short so this is a bit unusual.

Then I talked about the sibling dinner last night. All of S's siblings in this state gathered at E's for dinner. It was a lovely evening with lots of laughter and good food. We're planning to have sibling dinners once a month and already scheduled next month for our place.

I talked a bit about the drama with K about S and I going to the sibling dinner. She got upset when S told her we'd be out last night and started grasping for reasons she needed S to stay home, like a non-time sensitive task he agreed to help her with. Then when she got home last night, she was pissed we were still home and thundered around until we left.

Then I talked about the new memories that came up regarding our uncle. It was a mix of different trauma memories, both of him abusing alone and him and my father using us at the same time. I talked about how the first part of the memories were disturbing but unsurprising. With what we already knew and felt towards him, I had already suspected he had sexually abused us so this was more of a confirmation than new information. The less expected part was him and my father sexually abusing me together. We'd had memories previously that suggested multiple perpetrators but none that suggested the identities of those involved.

I talked about previously having suspicions that there was generational abuse on my father's side of the family and this seems like further support of that theory. It seems unlikely for two siblings to engage in this kind of abuse together without a common impetus. There's also the fact that my father and all three of his siblings are/were alcoholics. Which, again, seems to support the idea of shared trauma.

Then we talked about the workbook I'm working my way through. I shared some of the worksheets I've done and some quotes I had highlighted. The first two chapters were mostly stuff I already knew (the basics of structural dissociation, recognizing symptoms as parts) but that I'm starting to get into stuff that's more helpful for me. I just started the chapter on unblending which I've been looking forward to bc I think it will be helpful for us.

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

Therapy recap

We started off talking about getting the plumbing done to have hot water in the kitchen again and how happy I am to have hot water for dishes again.

Then I talked about some conflicts we had with K over the weekend that were rooted in her OCD. I talked about how I struggle in those moments bc I know Facts and Logic don't fix OCD but I get so stuck on the facts. Like, how it literally isn't possible for the cat to get under the house when we don't *have* an under the house. I also talked about my reflections on how people can end up in a situation like my ex's family. I talked about recognizing ways that going along with K's fears bc it was easier in the moment has made things worse over time. Like when we were talking about the cat, she argued that we don't let the cat back there bc it isn't safe and I had to explain that the only reason we don't let the cat back there is bc of her fears.

Then I talked about the memories of my uncle's house that came up yesterday. We talked about the feeling of being in that house and the literal and metaphorical darkness. We talked about cutting off my uncle and how unpleasant of a person he is to be around. I talked about when my other uncle died when I was 10 but I thought at first it was this uncle and cried but when I found out it was the other uncle I didn't really care bc I'd met him once or twice. But it feels confusing that we were upset when we thought it was this uncle bc from what I remember, we never liked him.

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

Therapy recap

TW: detailed discussion of csa reenactment. Proceed with caution

We started off talking about our dentist appointment yesterday and how frustrating/pointless it was. But I kept this short cuz I knew we had a lot to cover today.

I talked figuring out after our last session that the part we'd been talking about last time (the child part who misses our ex) was part of a trio of parts. One who tried to flee from our father, one who submitted upon getting caught, and the part we'd been talking about whose role was to "enjoy" the abuse.

I talked about a positive interaction I'd had with one of the Burrowers where I apologized for running from their pain and sat with them while drawing their attention to the present and they calmed down and curled up in my lap.

Then I got to the reenactment from the other night. I was communicating with the part who misses sex with our ex and told her that if she really wants to engage sexually, she could play with our body. Unfortunately, this went very poorly. Nearly as soon as she started, she was in a flashback of "performing" for our father. She was looping on the "rules" about how to perform like positioning our body to give him the best view and being expected to make the appropriate noises while not being loud enough to get caught. She grew more and more distressed about not "doing a good job" and couldn't stop. I was stuck inside watching but unable to do anything. After several failed attempts to break her out of the reenactment, Danny embodied his former role as an introject of our father to tell her she'd done a good job and she could stop now but it didn't work. Eventually S stirred in his sleep and the fear of "getting caught" was enough of a jolt to let me take back control and get out of bed and go downstairs to calm down.

C started by addressing my guilt/self-blame about the reenactment. In the journal entry I had read to C, I had included the name this part wanted to go by with a note "to be revisited" and when C was talking to me they used the name and I had to stop them to explain because it made me so uncomfortable. The name she wanted to go by was something our father had called her during the abuse. So while she wanted to use the name, the rest of us were Very uncomfortable with that. As we talked more with C, this part ended up choosing the name Katie. I was visibly distressed after explaining the name thing so C had me take a minute to relax and ground.

When we resumed, C emphasized that my initial suggestion to Katie was a good idea and I couldn't have known how it would go. I agreed and talked about how we'd had vague suspicions of this type of trauma but we didn't know. There were signs that pointed to this as a possibility but they were easy to write off as something else. Like, when we started masturbating as a teen, we would only do so with vibrators bc touching ourselves was so distressing. But that was easy enough to write off as gender dysphoria. But with this new information and reflecting on the way the distress presented, I'm pretty sure it was more of a trauma thing than a gender thing.

We talked more about the reenactment. There was a lot of distress from a lot of different parts. At first, I was mostly horrified as I realized what was happening and what it revealed about our past. But as it went on, I grew more distressed as I watched Katie grow more desperate and distressed and I was unable to do anything.

We talked about Danny intervening. C praised his growth from being a part who subjected other parts to reenactments to now trying to intervene to stop a reenactment. Additionally, he was disturbed by this reenactment and by embodying his former role which is another huge indication of growth. Even if he wasn't able to stop Katie, he still did really good!

We talked about ways to help Katie get her needs met without harming herself/us. C said something about pointing out to Katie that she thinks she wants sex but that clearly it was distressing for her. Katie pushed back Hard inside saying that it was only bad bc she didn't do a good enough job. Which is when I realized that what she's really seeking is praise and attention but sex is the only way she knows how to get it. C suggested thinking of other ways she could get praise and Katie piped up inside to suggest coloring. So we're gonna find time for her to color and she can show off her art to S so he and I can praise her for it.

So yeah. Big session.

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

Therapy recap

TW: csa

Luckily my nephew took a nap for most of therapy so I was able to (mostly) focus on my appointment. And C was super understanding that if he woke up I'd have to grab him. He woke up about 5 minutes before the end and snuggled with me for the last few minutes

It's been many hours since therapy at this point so we'll see how much I remember.

Started off just letting C know about the situation with my nephew. Then dove straight in to talking about the newly emerged parts I interacted with the other night. A series of parts showed me memories of csa from various ages, including the clearest memories we've had of csa from when we were in middle school. There was a part named Rock who is a rock bc rocks can't get hurt. Then there was a young girl who claims to have enjoyed the abuse. Which was. Upsetting for a lot of parts.

We talked about Bean's reaction to this part and how viscerally upsetting it was for them. We talked about their conversation with S which helped them understand why a part like that would exist but that they're still really sad about it.

Aaaand I'm blanking on the rest at this point

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

Therapy recap

TW: csa

I started off talking about the pain cycle we've been stuck in and waking up with face pain. It was definitely rough to get through therapy with talking making my jaw hurt.

We talked about the party and how I not only socialized with a variety of people (including new people) but I also didn't stay glued to S's side!

I talked about outside kitty becoming an inside kitty and K's reaction to not getting to be the one to "save" him. Which led into talking about reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and how much I recognized K in the descriptions of emotional immaturity. And how this book is helping me come to terms with not being able to change someone who doesn't want to change. What specifically spoke to me was the idea that basing your goals on another person changing is doomed to fail. I can only work on how I communicate and respond and not getting sucked into her emotions.

I talked about recognizing my mum in descriptions of the passive parent and my father in the rejecting parent. It's wild how accurately these types match my parents. And the descriptions of family dynamics between emotionally immature parents and externalizing vs internalizing children. My sister is very much an externalizer and I'm very much an internalizer.

I talked about reflecting on the party and realizing that I need to work on asking questions in return during social interactions. I talked about the connections to questions being discouraged in our house growing up (and often punished). As well as my difficulties knowing where the line is between acceptable questions vs prying/intrusive questions. As we talked, I also made a connection to growing up in the church. It was common in our church to ask questions that would be considered inappropriate in other contexts. So going from an environment that discouraged questioning the faith but encouraged prying questions for "accountability" to the outside world where there were entirely different standards of acceptable questions was a rough transition and I think we overcorrected to just not asking questions.

I also talked about the difficulty of finding the lines of acceptable conversation when my truthful answers to questions asked of me would be trauma dumping. Like, I get asked about my parents and say we're no contact. If asked further questions, I'm not gonna say my father raped me throughout childhood and my mother protected him. But even my "safe" answer comes down to politics and/or being rejected for being trans which isn't exactly light conversation. When so much of my past and present is considered outside the bounds of polite conversation, it's hard to know how to interact.