#therapy schmerapy

[sae-something]

Woops i started a debate heh I actually just meant she wont take it personally. As in she will have plenty of clients with all sorts of transference and sexual transference is so common we learn about it early in trainings so I was just saying any good therapist will be very used to working this through vulnerably with many clients

It's not a debate, I am just having a deeply personal experience and writing about that. I don't think anyone online can decide what A will or won't take personally. She knows it's personal and she knows, in a way, it is about her. And of course she also knows everything that it isn't. She's an excellent therapist or, as she likes to say about herself, she's absolutely brilliant.

However, I absolutely do not agree that "any good therapist" will be very used to this. Ideally that would be the case, but there's nowhere near enough therapists who are comfortable and trained enough to work with the kind of transference and confusion that can happen with people with DID. My previous therapist - T, for long time followers - was very well trained and experienced, but completely fucked shit up because she couldn't see through the fog of my transference.

So now you did actually start a debate because I will never agree that "any good therapist" can do this shit. I've had too many therapists fuck up and I've seen too many people I love been deeply hurt, abandoned or even retraumatized by therapists who don't know how to do the deepest attachment and transference work.

And that's not an accusation, because I don't expect any good therapist to be able to do this, because this work is not for anyone. It's simply a statement and I don't really feel like having more of a conversation about this.

PS - yes I'm being prickly. I'm writing about my personal experiences (which are not "so common" because there's barely any research/literature on mdsa/attachment - especially cases where the mother also has DID) and truthfully I don't care about any blanket statements about what "you therapists learn early in training" (which, idk to which magial therapist school you apparently went, but over here working with the deep relational bits of complex trauma and dissociation is absolutely not taught in early therapist training, and also not in late therapist training unless a therapist is personally motivated to focus on it)

PPS - I am not prickly at you as an individual because you are anonymous to me so you don't have to explain or defend yourself. I know I'm not being fully reasonable here but this is my private blog and not some psych 101 class. I'm sorry for being harsh but I am tired of being so very vulnerable and some people online trying to be like "actually it's very standard and general :)" - I don't care. to me it's not standard nor general, it's actually quite horrifying, and I'd like to have some space for the unique horrors of it without "hey it's actually normal" because to me it's hell. #myhell

[charm-in-spades]

Word Associations | Ric Spades

"This is a stupid idea..but whatever."

Write the word(s) that come to mind after each given word.

ROUGH: “Sex. Borderline make-me-fear-for-my-life sex.”  HIDE: “Cards. Tricks. Intentions. Feelings.” FOOLISH: “...Love.” SAD: “…that's life.” *Finger-guns*. HATE: “Silence and all it has to say.”  LIGHT: “All my burning bridges." DARK: "Where the fun begins.”  MOTHER: “Left me young.”  FATHER: "Raised me wrong.”  CHILD: "My world.”  MARRIAGE: "Statistically likely to end in divorce…”  LOVE: "Foolish.” SOFT: “Boobs.” PET:  “Dogs.”

DREAM: “Nightmares.”

DIVORCE: “Proof that love is dead.”  WATER: “Calming.”  LOUD: “Boom.” ANNOUNCEMENT: “Something is always happening."   POWER: "Mind.”  FIGHT: “I really shouldn't.”

SMACK: “Asses, obviously.” WHITE: "Clinic rooms. Floors. Walls.”  SICK: "Aether.”  KISS: “My ass."   HUG: “...don't touch me." HURT: “…head.”  HAPPY: "Once.”

Tagging: @enambris | @thegildedgun | @tigjax | @matter-of-a-pinion | @faustinebellamy | @dumb-hat | @hotaruffxiv | @sundered-souls | @lavender-hemlock | @solaire-and-magia | @wildgirlcinna | @pirates-and-necromancers | @vivah-valentini | @spellsandtales |

Basically anyone else that wants to do this too!

[sae-something]

Because of the heat I've basically had no feelings at all because (1) it's too hot and (2) my brain is occupied with heat stress. And also it's probably a bit because thinking about what we talked about with A on monday is scary. We didn't email her at all almost all week, which is very unusual. On thursday evening a young part sent a three line email and she also wrote "not allowed to write so I'm doing it secretly" (cute and it almost worked because I kept forgetting about the email). And yesterday A replied and she started with, "Hey, I was already wondering why I wasn't getting emails!" and 🥺 I'm glad monday should be Normal Temperatures so maybe we can do some actual therapy because after that A has a two week break.

[sae-something]

I miss A 😔

[sae-something]

How are you doing? Is it better with A now?

I think so! She was off of work last week and on monday we had a very meta conversation about our relationship, how it developed over the years. We really talked in depth about the period after her partner had a pretty serious accident and had to have multiple surgeries over the course of ?a year? - long time followers may vaguely remember this. It was really rough and it was very beautiful/special to be able to look back on that with A now. She was very open & honest about how that played into how she was towards me then - and how that may have continued to have an effect between us.

Some things she said were not easy to take in, but because she was so honest herself it was manageable to talk about it. It has left me feeling very raw and confused. Not necessarily in a bad way, I'm just feeling a bit (okay: very) weird about it. I'm both relieved and anxious to have an online session tomorrow. I hope we can talk about it a bit more.

I dunno, there's probably so much more to say about this, but I'm really exhausted so I'm gonna leave it at this (also it all feels very uninteresting for people to read so I feel self conscious about that). But it means a lot that you were thinking of me & sent this ask, thank you!!

Hope you've had/are having a nice day <3

[sae-something]

okay I take back all I said about A being on vacation too much 🫣

[sae-something]

There is a 0 percent chance A will end your therapy tomorrow! She wrote she will be there for as long as is good for you, which will honestly be years. She probably felt the desire to write to you that she’ll always be there but couldn’t write that so added ‘until you need ofc’. That’s how I interpreted it. But also I know it doesn’t feel like this at all for you rn.. I’m sorry :/

Thank you <3 I don't really think that's what happened in her head, because she also wrote "what I can offer doesn't always seem to be enough". And this morning she replied to the emails I sent on friday and she wrote that "we need to puzzle together what she can and cannot offer in this phase".

Sooooo, rationally I agree that she may not end the therapy - but she may "end" the way things have been. She may (consciously or unconsciously) redefine her boundaries, take a step back. Which may not sound bad but will also register as total abandonment with a bunch of related triggers.

So. We'll see how it goes... four more hours til session & straight up shitting myself lmao

[sae-something]

Had such a weird but beautiful but confusing but special conversation with A yesterday. It made me feel wobbly in a way I don't really have words for. Maybe just something that got really close? I don't know. I don't really have much else to say about it, but I (accidentally?) planned my week a bit (too) full so I don't really have time or space to sit with it, so this is just me putting it somewhere. I feel weird. But good? But weird?