#therapy struggles

[i-deserve-it-all]

One 40 year old guy in my therapy group turns out to be a homophobe, I can't deal with shit man, the only times I cry in this fucking therapy is when the people there hurt me on a deeper level. The doctor told me to stay bc there will be such people I will encounter in life and this could be helpful for me, but girl I'm suicidal because my father didn't love me, do you think I need to struggle with a homophobe on top of that?? I want to stay but I also just don't want to be around someone like that.

When you ask someone if they're a bigot and first thing they respond with is "I have the right to have an opinion", RUN AWAY!!! or kill them

[thisismyrecoverylife]

Benefits of online therapy: you can schedule it during a workday (just block one hour of your workday with a meeting to do therapy...)

Disadvantage if online therapy: you can schedule it during a workday (and be anxious and unconcentrated 1 hour before because you're stressed about getting into a therapy mindset and be stressed and unconcentrated 1 hour later because you need to process therapy and feel unable to move on with you're work and therefore feel bad about not being productive...)

[thisismyrecoverylife]

Anxiety sucks... (I assume that's anxiety.)

More bellow (tw: child loss)

My mind is spiraling / catastrophizing:

My therapist cancelled/postponed my session on very short notice because he had to go to the doctor's office with his child. He told me he would instead call me at time x (we normally have video sessions so I assumed that we would have a phone session or short checkin phone call instead). But at time x he didn't call. After waiting for 30 minutes I send him an email telling him that we can also cancel the session. I also asked to schedule the appointment after the next appointment (we normally schedule 2-3 sessions in advance). He didn't get back to me yet. Now I'm worried/panicking that something terrible happened. My brain keeps telling me that his child died.... and I feel terrible because I feel stupid for writing my last email (if something terrible happened, then the email was really insensitive...). And I feel terrible for being so selfish and thinking about how his child dying would impact me... and I feel terrible because I'm scared that this is what happened...

It's not even my own child but my mind directly goes to the worst possible scenario... scared of what this mean... how would this be if I ever try to get pregnant again? Will I ever not be scared of losing another child?

How do people live with the constant danger all around us?

[luvrsagony]

also genuinely am i the only one whose therapists said they wouldn't tell my abusive guardians what i said but then? proceeded? to tell them anyways??

like hello way to make me scared of therapy 🥴

[felis-the-complex-multiple]

I hate how DID makes me question myself constantly. We’re having some challenges with our therapist regarding the therapeutic relationship and it’s so frustrating and exhausting. Having DID makes me feel so confused about it is. Like what’s her and what’s me? We feel like she’s not doing enough to build rapport with new parts and her current approach is feeling so...flat and non-emotive that it’s making so many parts just put all their guards up.

But like, is it me? Is it because different parts are so different? Is it because she can’t keep track of everyone? Is it because she constantly has to worry how different parts are going to react/respond that she just ends up not knowing how to behave at all? Am I only remembering the times lately that things haven’t felt good with her and forgetting the times when things have been effective? Is this just a problem of inner conflict? Am I crazy? Are these real concerns?

It’s just so hard to tell what’s real and what’s actually going on and what I actually need/want. I know she’s very committed and does a lot for us and tries very hard, but I just wish things would just *click* instead of feeling like a constant effort to make our relationship feel like it’s flowing smoothly. Not having DID would just be. So helpful sometimes.

—a frustrated part

[obsessivelyautistic]

April 15, 2014

I went to the Take Back the Night thing with Mary today. She was doing ok up until this guy came up and started talking about his rape and past thoughts of suicide, and she started panicking. I tried to grab her hand and she threw it away, and shortly after ran out of the room, leaving her phone and wallet behind. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I should have ran right out after her, but I had to figure out what to do with her stuff. By the time I grabbed our stuff, she was already gone. So I ran out of the room and checked both bathrooms with one of the therapists from CARE, but no luck. So I ran outside and called Frank and Jack. Jack, Cal, and Frank came the STAMP and I ran around campus, looking in every place I could think to look. I go back to STAMP and it turns out that Frank had found her in the Colony Ballroom. She had apparently gone to the stairwell. Why didn't I find her there? I should have found her there. I guess I was just freaking out. I overreacted so hard. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have called all of those people. I shouldn't have freaked out and assumed the worst. I don't know what I thought would happen. I thought she would die. I thought she would try to kill herself. I thought a lot of things that really don't make any logical sense. I hate myself for thinking these things, for not trusting her to come back. I hate myself for overreacting. I need to learn to deal with these things. I really need to learn to be a person. And I'm kind of annoyed that Frank was the one to find her. I should have been able to handle things. I used to be her go-to person, and I hate that Frank's becoming that person. I hate the feeling of being replaced, even though they both claim that that's not the thing that's happening. I don't know. I don't know what's going on in my head right now. I should do work, but I can't focus long enough to try. Why can't I just be ok?

I'm also freaking out about Jack, because he's going off meds entirely. I mean, he doesn't really need them, but what if he gets bad again? He made an appointment with the therapist I found that looks really good and got good reviews, but I'm still worried. What if she's not good and he gives up? What if he gives up on therapy entirely? He really needs help. He needs help so bad. I have a squish on him. Oops.

[obsessivelyautistic]

April 15, 2014

So they took Jack off of the Wellbutrin because of his hives. They put him on a really really low dose of Zoloft, but I'm still freaking concerned that he'll have the same reaction he had to the Lexapro. But he's on a much smaller dose and he knows the symptoms and he had his psychiatrist on call and he knows when to stop taking the meds. He just really needs to find a good therapist. And I think I found him one, and he's calling them tomorrow. I just really really really hope this one works. Because he probably doesn't need medication if he finds a good therapist. And I think he's reacting so badly to all of this medication because there really isn't anything wrong with his brain, outside of anxiety, that is. The depression is entirely situational in his case, and I think treating it with medication instead of therapy is actually not the best idea. But he doesn't have much to lose with trying, and if things go badly he won't be on it that long. I just really hope he doesn't get bad again.

Apparently Mary was having a really depressive time the last few weeks and I didn't notice? I feel like a shit friend now. I need to be around more often.

[obsessivelyautistic]

April 6, 2014

I was going to write a big post about how I can't stop thinking that one of my friends will kill themselves because OCD game is strong now and I'm obsessing like all fuck, but I'm honestly too tired to write it all out right now.

Jack says he's ok, and I should believe him, but I can't entirely. I just keep worrying that his meds will go wrong or that something will happen and he'll start spiraling, but I don't actually think that will happen. His meds seem to work and that's pretty good. It's just the OCD. Mary started crying over Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but she seems ok overall. She's terrified of getting bad again, but then again, I'm terrified of her getting bad again, too. Rei seems to be doing fine, but it's not like  she'd tell us anyway. My therapist asked why I never talked about the other three, but it's because I'm honestly not too concerned. Frank is on meds and sees a good therapist. Kal is seeing a good therapist now. Keiran is looking into getting a therapist. And I know that Mary loves her therapist and is doing really well on the meds, and Jack is good on his meds too. He needs to find a new therapist because that one is not good at queer stuff, but once that happens, he'll be good. I know he's ok now. He's actually ok now. I need him to be ok. And I need to believe that he is.