#therapy words

[foolishheadstronggirl]

I had SO much fun at my calligraphy class this morning! ❤️

[thalassarche]

One of the most useful things my therapist has ever told me is “no one really wants to do their chores.”

I was talking to her about my issues with executive dysfunction and how ashamed I feel that I’m failing to keep up with household cleaning the way I should. She said, “First of all, according to who? Who’s saying how you should do it? You live alone, right? Who’s saying how you ‘should’ be doing this?” Which is a very good point. The state of my living space is only impacting me (and my cats). It’s not at a point that it’s impacting my neighbors or anyone else. 

She went on to say that there’s an awful lot of pressure to present these perfectly maintained living spaces but that we always miss the “maintain” part. It looks like it should be easy, but we don’t factor in the upkeep it requires, so then when it doesn’t come easy, we become easily discouraged (especially those of us who were “gifted” kids). And those bad feelings keep getting summoned up when we think about the tasks that need to be done.

“There are very few people in the whole wide world including Canada who are excited to mow the lawn, or do the dishes, or dust the living room, or scrub the toilet. Yes, it’s stuff we have to do, but almost no one gets excited about doing it the way they get excited about watching a cool movie or doing their favorite hobby. Cleaning isn’t your hobby, is it? So stop shaming yourself for not getting all fired up about cleaning the catboxes. That’s just putting another bad feeling in the way of getting it done.”

Chewing on that concept, I asked her how to strike the balance when I know I’m letting things go too long but I still struggle to do something about it. She said, “Stop thinking about it as this big thing hanging over you. Think about one small thing you can do in the room you’re in right now, like taking a dish to the kitchen or throwing away some trash. Come up with five of those things. I don’t care if you’re counting five individual pieces of trash, this isn’t about doing it right, no one is in charge of saying what’s right, there’s no cheating here. Just come up with five little things, and do them. Then once they’re done, see how you feel. Can you do five more? If you can, awesome. If you can’t, you still got five things handled, so go read another chapter of that cool new book you’re excited about and come back to it later.”

The most important things I took away from this were these ideas:

I’m too fixated on how I “should” be doing housework, according to some nebulous concept of “people who know better than me,” rather than focusing on finding what level is most comfortable for me.

I’m still falling into the trap of being easily discouraged that habits don’t get locked in after one successful attempt, and need consistent practice to become a habit.

I’m shaming myself for not being eager to do something that really isn’t something I should expect to ever really feel eager to do.

There is no cheating the way my mind keeps thinking there is. A task accomplished is still accomplished. If the choice is to take a shortcut or not get there at all, take the shortcut!

Therapy is an individualized thing, and there are always exceptions, there are always situations and people for whom a given set of advice is not going to help at all. But in talking to some of my friends about this, I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of us mentally ill/neurodivergent folks who struggle with executive dysfunction and the legacy of being “gifted” have these issues and are unfairly persecuting ourselves for it. So maybe sharing this will help some other people who are having similar problems.

Remember that you’re the expert on your own life and what works for you. There are things that can cloud that and make it harder to figure out, but it’s one thing to ask someone you trust for help clarifying things, and another thing to feel open to the judgment of faceless masses on how you “should” be doing instead.