#therapyschmerapy

[sae-something]

Annie Rogers, The Unsayable: The Hidden Language of Trauma

[sae-something]

(note: I know you a lot is going on for you rn so if you don't feel like answering then I completely understand) I am struggling quite a bit with longing for my therapist / feeling really attached. I have spoken to her before about getting attached to my prev. T and other ppl when I was younger - but I have never mentioned feelings about her. I want to talk about it but also its so scary and I also somehow don't want the feelings to go away or to be expected to be gone once I have spoken about them, if that makes sense? (Also my T sometimes holds my hand and I am scared that if I say I feel so attached to her then she won't ever sit next to me / hold hands with me again...) What is it like talking about attachment to the therapist in therapy? Do you think you get anything from talking about it or is it just something that is there?

Hey anon,

This message is almost 2 weeks old now, but I hope you'll still see my reply. My brain is still only functioning in like... short bursts, and I'm using the current burst to reply, hah.

I really get what you're talking about and I really recall how terrifying it was to jump from "talking about attachment in general" to "talking about specific feelings towards A". The shame can be huge, and I also really relate to the fear about "once I put words to something, it has to be solved/gone".

That being said... I am getting *so* much from talking about it. It has given me a lot more insight in what I feel (& why I feel it), what I want (& why I want it) - and, that often the things I yearn for in the therapeutic relationship, are not actually things that I want to happen.

Honestly I think I'm lucky with how "steady" A is - she's never been weirded out or confused or surprised by anything I said, so that definitely helps to talk about the embarrassing feelings. Often I first start sharing things through poems, through emails. Often I don't even realize what distress (from other parts) is about until things click weeks (or sometimes months) later.

What is it like talking about it in therapy... it's a fire-y pit of shame. But it is also connection & healing & feeling seen and supported in a really unique and helpful way. Sometimes it's spending half an hour naming all my fears and reasons not to tell her something, just to work up the courage to tell her about it after all.

I'd really encourage you to tell your T about the fear that she will distance herself from you when you talk about attachment (and imagine what a painful experience must have taught you this lesson: that people leave when you are vulnerable). I hope you can talk through all your worries and fears and thoughts about all this.

Talking about these things is not a one-time conversation. It is a topic that comes back and back and back and back (and then maybe is not relevant for a while - and then suddenly comes back in full force). Attachment and the relationship really is, to me, one of the core ways in which I learn about and process my past. It's a constant in the ebb and flow of therapy.

Very few things tell me as much about myself (and my past, and my attachment, and my experiences, and my relationships with my parents family friends etc.) as the way I relate to and feel about A at any given moment. (And, to a lesser extent, with HT as well - but I guess you could say that A is my "primary attachment figure" right now when it comes to healing/therapy/recovery, lol).

My brain is butting out again so I'll probably not be very active on tumblr still, but feel free to send another ask if you want to, okay? I'll get to it when I get to it.

Take care & good luck <3