#thesbjctproject

[thesbjctproject]

January 23, 2021

Negativity

"You're so negative.  You spread a lot of negative vibes.  You focus too much on the negative.  Why not just post about happy stuff and positive things?  It's not like nothing good is happening in your life, why not just focus on those pretty stuff?"

Well, one of the reasons a lot of people break down is because they don't flow their feelings out.  They keep their pain to themselves, because the society judge them bitterly.  Or worse, some people have not even developed a sense of recognition because they grew up suppressed.

Your choices are not bound between "suck if up and keep quiet" and "shout it out and leave".  To break free, you have to acknowledge what you're feeling, accept it, study how to deal with it, all before you can solve it.  You can't solve your problems by just being "positive".

I'm trying to represent those people.  Or even if I can't represent them, I'm trying to represent myself.  If you're not okay with it, then go "focus on your positive content", then. Let me be me.

[thesbjctproject]

February 22, 2021

Priority

People make time for what they prioritize. For some reason, I really cannot find it in myself to prioritize myself. Like, my own self. I would always prioritize what is rational, what brings food to the table, what benefits most people in an objective perspective.

It's easy to tell myself to reflect and write. The short ride home every night is really enough. But despite knowing that, I would prefer catching what's already available, like watching videos, reading webtoons, and other activities in which I just need to absorb, not give output.

I'm looking at the time. The hours I have never seem to be enough. I can't stretch time. I also can't stretch myself. Choosing what to prioritize over a lot of things which demand they be prioritized is extremely difficult. Because of focusing too much on those stuff, I forget that I also need priority. I become my own blindspot.

[thesbjctproject]

February 10, 2021

Overthinking

All my life, I've been told that overthinking is like something bad. Everyone makes it seem like nothing good comes from it, that it's just a stressor, that it's not normal, and that it creates problems that don't exist.

But I met a community who emphasized this—

"'Overthinking' is just a word invented by people who don't have enough thirst for understanding and gaining control over things." [nonverbatim]

I never had the courage to say that. I've always believed that overthinking is a skill which helped me survived two decades of life. I believe it helped me prevent a lot of bad stuff and gained me a lot of opportunities. It's just society makes it look like a mental problem.

I'm glad someone said it.

[thesbjctproject]

February 10, 2021

Overthinking

All my life, I've been told that overthinking is like something bad. Everyone makes it seem like nothing good comes from it, that it's just a stressor, that it's not normal, and that it creates problems that don't exist.

But I met a community who emphasized this—

"'Overthinking' is just a word invented by people who don't have enough thirst for understanding and gaining control over things." [nonverbatim]

I never had the courage to say that. I've always believed that overthinking is a skill which helped me survived two decades of life. I believe it helped me prevent a lot of bad stuff and gained me a lot of opportunities. It's just society makes it look like a mental problem.

I'm glad someone said it.

[thesbjctproject]

February 9, 2021

Cold Days

The coldest days of the year are here, even colder than Christmas.

When I think about it, it feels like we are just an indirect recipient of the winds from the countries actually experiencing winter.  But it's still cold enough to make me wear socks at night and stop using cooled skin products.

When it's cold, bed gravity pulls stronger than during hot days.  But, we're adults, we have responsibilities at night.  It's always nice for a hot tea (or coffee if you prefer that), and blanket wrap-up.  It's also nice to bury myself into my pillows and fall asleep like that.  Cold days make me dream of the stereotypical winter scenes.

But, we don't have snow.  We don't have fireplaces and chimneys at home.  We only have a simplified version of winter.  But, it's still enjoyable.

[thesbjctproject]

February 8, 2021

Night

I'm reflecting over my some of the good songs I know. Not specifically favorites, but a lot of songs I like feature the night.

There must be something exceptionally beautiful about the night. I know only a few songs which mention "morning", "sun", "bright", amd the like, as opposed to "tonight", "at night", "evening", "midnight", "starlight" and the like.

It's also worth noticing that key scenes in dramas happen in the night. Or at least, they become more dramatic if done at night. The night gives a nostalgic ambience which mystifies the event's value no matter how small.

I personally like the night. It's a really peaceful time. Streets are way more quiet, the breeze is colder, we can cry with no one judging us, and the darkness gives a warm solace.

I hope our nigts remain beautiful. May they not be tainted by sad memories. We have to protect our nights.

[thesbjctproject]

February 7, 2021

Far

We shopped at a place slightly farther away than the store we usually visit. For a different environment, perhaps.

It felt like the closer we are to home, the more we haste, the less we enjoy, the greater the chance we would just return to the stress we are trying to set aside.

We chose a place with many shops to check out. The last time we visited that mall was probably last year before the lockdowns, so we can assume it's been a year. But even with the lower volume of people, it still helped changed the environment I'm trying to escape from.

Also, the farther the place, the more walking needed. This also means that we would get more tired, rest earlier, indulge to more relaxing activities, sleep earlier (didn't happen, I'm still awake as you see).

The point remains the same—if we're being mentally blocked, maybe we need to breathe in a different place.

[thesbjctproject]

February 6, 2021

Him

Sometimes I feel like I'm not properly treasuring the relationship I have.

When I'm browsing through my feeds, I would see people doing stuff like traveling, dining out, trying out new things etc. Pretty photos flowing through my feed—no matter how misanthroped I am, they would still spark envy and self-questioning.

I'd like to think that I don't need an audience for such things. But at the same time, it makes me feel like I'm taking the relationship for granted, just because I'm complacent it will always continue. I would always work or sleep or idle, too focused on my personal endeavors. I feel like I'm skip on nurturing the relationship that support me every day. And my partner doesn't say anything, neither approve nor complain, which is kind of scary, too.

But, I'm grateful for the years I've been with him. He's one of the best decisions I have ever fought for. I'm very blessed to have something so constant in this turbulent world.