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I’m 21 and I have NOTHING in life. I’m NOWHERE in my life and I’m not having any of my shit tonight. I’m just completely off and lost and I’ve been for so long I’m so done in general.

#things i achieved #none #love interests #reasons to live #none but surviving

Things I Achieved Today 6.11

I want to keep a journal of things I achieve while I’m on my depressive episodes so when I feel like I can’t do anything I can look back and see the things I did in the past

First… I showered today after 4 days. I know I’m disgusting. But I don’t have school and I didn’t go out so…why would I right? WRONG! I should’ve because hygiene is important. But at least I did it after 4 days. I felt better thanks to warm water and feeling of clean hair.

Second… I took a walk on the beach at 11 pm. It was late and I don’t usually go out after dark but I was losing my mind at home so I made up a story to go out. I bought some food and came back in like 25 minutes but breathing clean air and being alone helped a lot. Watching the sea all by myself cleared my thoughts. The only bad thing is… I saw so many happy people around me. People younger than me with their partners, families, group of older people, you name it. I looked at them and I wondered if I will ever be happy like them, if I can smile like them one day. Probably when I’m on my manic episode I will. But you see, even when I’m manic this thought, this voice that tells me I’m not worthy to be loved or be happy never shuts up.

Three…I went to bar with my sister and her husband. I didn’t stay behind and sulk in front of my computer. I didn’t drink because it’s Ramadan but I missed my favorite bar because their band is playing there after 9 months. They stop playing there in winter since this is a summer vacation town. I missed the singer’s voice and guitarist’s crazy head bangs. I tried so hard not to order a tequila though. But it was pretty good. I even get in one of those giant bubbles you get in and try to walk on the water. After awhile I got claustrophobic and asked for them to pull me to side and take me out but still… it was so fun.

Yeah that’s all I guess. I hope I can do a post tomorrow. I want feel better.

#tw claustrophobia #tw alcohol #things I achieved

Feeling really good about myself today.

I usually panic when making phone calls, espcially about official things like taxes or utilities. And I mean panic as in actual adrenaline spike, heart pounding, shaky voice, the works, all of which I have to try to keep under control so the person on the other end doesn’t think I’m a weirdo.

Today I called up both my internet and electricity providers and arranged for them to switch my accounts over from my current home to my new one. I didn’t stutter, fumble, go “uh... I dunno” or anything of the sort. I had all the required information to hand. I remained calm and almost professional the whole time.

And when I hung up the phone on the second call, it hit me that I’d actually managed to do that.

Then when I got home, I managed to finsh clearing out my bedroom, vacuum it, and mostly empty the living room, in preparation for moving house.

It might not mean much to a lot of people, but given my assorted mental issues this is a massive achievement for me, and I’m making note of it here because I want to celebrate it.

#it me #mental health #things i achieved

Farewell 2012.

2012 wasn't exactly the best year I had. But it was not the worst either. I sang. I served. I helped. I redeemed myself. I met new people. I found out things about myself. I surprised myself. I moved on. I traveled. A lot. I saw One Republic. I went to Vegas. I played in the casino and I'm just 20. Yeah. I know what I want in my life. I know who I want. I spent time with my mom. I gained weight. I made new friends. I braver. But still afraid of the dark. So goodbye 2012. Hello 2013. Bring me happy days, okay? I'll surprise myself again this year. I'll be more confident. Swear.

#new year #things i achieved #better be happy for 2013