#third day.

[yknowkyareth]

23/3/24 (For you)

So, yeah. I'm angry. At you, right now, and at myself, because what is this, if not a mess of my own making.

The thing is, I was ready. I really was. I was ready to talk. Took a bit to think that decision through.

Ate something. Took a shower. Stopped to really think on it, then went ahead.

So, yeah. I am angry. And frustrated. And at a loss.

At this point I feel like I'm writing for the sake of writing. I wanna be bitter. I want to rot on the inside. To lose the parts of me that make me myself. I want to be mean. I want to be an asshole. But that's not me. Then again, there's so little of me that remains, after this.

I'm going to take another shower.

[yknowkyareth]

23/3/24 (For you)

Okay. Okay. Remember when I said I understood.

I don't. Would the answer have been the same, should I've waited for tomorrow? How can someone say what's good for other without having tried to reason with them. What I do understand is that two don't have a conversation if one doesn't want to.

"I understand not wanting to be alone" does sound, however, condescending as shit. How alone do you think I am, to begin with? ███ is barely around at all. ███ is barely around at all either.

It's easy saying you understand when you have people that's around. Nearby in your life and not. Friends you can see, should you wish to. Guildmates. ██ friends.

"Of course you will be (welcome)" my ass.

Of course I will be (dismissed). Because I sure as hell don't know my feelings, huh. Because I haven't been writing and reflecting and figuring myself and where I stand. Of course.

Of course.

[yknowkyareth]

23/3/24 (For ?)

So. I've been angry. I think. At everyone involved, myself included. I just keep on wondering if I'll ever be enough. Or if, by the time I'm enough, there'll still be anythhing left of me. I've been trying. And I've been giving. Pieces of me, here and there. To people. To family, to friends to past lovers. I'm running thin now. I'm afraid there might not be anything left of me. That' that's why people always leave. Why I'm always used, then discarded. Am I better than a tissue, really? Fit for helping others find comfort, then thrown when it gets too worn and sticky.

Is that the problem maybe? Maybe I care too much. Maybe I become overwhelming, overbearing. I thought that might be it. But if so, why doesn't anyone say it?

Why do they just pack up and leave?

I'm tired of being alone. I'm scared that's just how it'll be forever.

I don't know where to start writing.

[freetoliveforyou-blog]

when you're lonely, and you feel like the whole world is falling on you, you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus.