Discover Top Posts Tagged with #this absolute goober

This is Professor. His full name is Professor Pancakes. His full government name is Professor Huckleberry Elizabeth Pancakes III.

Professor would like you to do him a favor. He’d like you to be kind. Not all the time, of course. Not everyone can be kind all of the time. But he’d really like you to be kind to strangers in the internet who aren’t doing anything harmful, and coworkers, and acquaintances who need a little support, and small beagle mixes who like to bark at kids and bicycles. Make the world nicer, if you can.

He would also like an piece of that chicken you’re having for dinner. Just one piece.

#dogs #this absolute goober

The “fetch” conundrum:

Dog clearly wants to play fetch.

Dog does not want to bring me the ball.

I get up to go get the ball and he will immediately pick it up and run off.

Therefore, dog has fetched me instead.

#dogs #this absolute goober

Oh, God. Okay, I need to tell y’all a story.

But first, a reminder. This is Professor:

Well, it’s a much younger Professor. But whatever. That’s Professor, short for Professor Pancakes, shorter still for Professor Huckleberry Elizabeth Pancakes III. That’s my child.

There are two things you need to know about Professor before I continue this story. The first is that he is a professional toy destroyer who can surgically remove a squeaker from a stuffed toy with those nose and those teeth in under a minute. The second is that while Mama is in the shower, he likes to steal the things I just took off. Pants, underwear, bras … he’ll immediately grab something and drag it into the next room.

There’s a third thing you should know, this time about me. This is Shark Week.

(I’m genuinely not trying to be coy or anything. It’s my period, it’s day two, yadda yadda. Shark Week’s just fun to say.)

Anyway, I mostly use a menstrual cup these days. (I have two, with the intention I will keep one in my purse for emergencies, which of course I never remember to do.) For those of you who don’t know what a menstrual cup is, it looks like this:

Some of you may already see where this is going.

Anyway, I wake up at noon (I work nights and I just finished my weekend shift), I have my biweekly phone session with my therapist, then I get up to take a shower. Professor, who has spent the last hour hanging out on the bed and letting Mama pet him while she vents on the phone, now knows that a trip to the dog park is imminent. He follows happily after me into the bathroom.

I get undressed, leaving my clothes on the floor. Professor sniffs them, but doesn’t steal anything as of yet. I go to the toilet, remove the cup, empty it, and then go to the sink to wash it before I go in the shower. Professor watches all of this.

I finish cleaning the cup, place it on top of the toilet, then turn on the shower and get in. I have completely forgotten Professor has not stolen anything I was wearing yet.

As I’m standing in the shower rinsing the conditioner from my hair, I hear two sounds. The first is dog toenails on linoleum as Professor jumps up to get something. The second is what sounds remarkably like the jumping desk lamp in the Pixar opening.

I have been awake for a bit at this point, but it still takes me a few seconds to put the pieces together. When I do, I blurt out:

“Professor, did you just steal Mama’s squeaker?!”

Obviously, I knew what he had. But I am also laughing at myself, because my brain a.) completely forgot the words “menstrual cup” and b.) replaced them with what I’m normally hearing him run around with in his mouth.

Now, at this point, I am done showering, and I am drying myself off while calling out, “Professor! I swear to God if you have Mama’s squeaker …” I put in the other squeaker … er, cup, then go looking for the one I had been planning to use.

I find it just outside the bathroom door in the middle of the kitchen. Professor is sitting in the door to the kitchen looking at me. It looks exactly like this.

He is the picture of innocence. Chonky, chonky innocence.

“Professor, you can’t be stealing Mama’s squeaker,” I am saying as I pick up the squea— CUP. I pick up the CUP and put it in the bathroom to clean. And then I tell him that it’s my squeaker and it’s not a toy and he can’t just take my squeakers, and I am saying this in VERY SERIOUS TONES to a dog who, you will be surprised to learn, does not speak English.

Anyway, I shall be putting my squeaker on a higher shelf next time. And I may never stop calling it my squeaker again.

#dogs #this absolute goober #delightful idiots

“Mama, I really think I deserve one of your apple snacks. Just a small one. Or two. Or many. You choose.”

#dogs #my dog is adorable #this absolute goober #dogs of tumblr

It’s sweater weather! (Well, this week. Next week it’s supposed to be in the 70s because fuck my life.)

#dogs #this absolute goober #break out the Halloween sweaters