Avoidance, I've Been Avoiding You
Today while hanging out with my mom we watched My Girl. I realized I've never really watched the second half of the movie. And I love that movie. I also remembered not watching the second half of Mary Poppins. Emotions happen that I wasn't willing to experience. Sadness. The second half of movies from my childhood were always terribly sad but always had important morals/life lessons to teach me. After all, I watched them while laid up because of one leg issue or another. I'm a professional avoider of emotions. Which is a terrible coping mechanism. It's amazing I even have friendships that have lasted from middle school until now. I digress.
I think the whole reason for me to avoid feelings (outside of the fact we never really talked about them at home) is that I needed to survive. I needed to survive in a world where someone with differing abilities wasn't accepted in the same way other others with "average" abilities were. I didn't want to be crying at the drop of a hat when something was bothering me in regards to walking. I wanted to keep up with my peers and siblings. I wanted to live life and that meant that sometimes my legs would hurt me. It was interesting to make the connection that I would simply not watch something if the rest of the movie made me feel unhappy.
After doing a lot of reading for my research paper on limb amputation I found that it is common for people to avoid people, situations or places that might remind them of their disability. That was so me growing up. I wouldn't look in mirrors as I walked by, I wouldn't want to talk to people who were asking me about my disability and I wouldn't join an activity if I knew it would pronounce my disability. In high school I wanted to play volleyball but didn't because we had to wear spandex shorts. I didn't want to wear these spandex shorts because they ended where my prostheses began. Again, I didn't want to look totally alien to everyone else. I ended up being the manager for the volleyball team throughout high school and I enjoyed hanging out with my peers but also felt left out. Not by my peers but that I wasn't allowing myself to play volleyball for the simple reason I didn't want to ask to modify the uniform. I guess we all learn over time it's okay to speak up. Too bad I learned it about twelve years too late to really be a member of the volleyball team.
Facing issues head on has really allowed me to embrace myself and realize that others weren't avoiding me. I was avoiding them. I'm sorry. 2013 has been a year for me to experience life; really experience it. I traveled to Toronto - which is something I wouldn't have done before because I was afraid how people with disabilities were viewed in other countries. They are embraced - it was so easy to get around and I'm glad I took the trip. I've been reaching out to old friends and new to get together more often - which is amazing. I still have days where I want to avoid things because my legs hurt but I'm not allowing it to take over my life anymore. Avoidance was a great coping mechanism for me not to participate in life. I'm glad I realized this when I did so I can start experiencing the good and the bad. This is ability!