#this is fostering

[theworldoffostering]

Foster Care

Move out date for RK got moved by a few weeks. Now we are trying to figure out what to do for the two weeks she’ll be here when school is out. There’s nothing offered in our area because the kids get out of school this month and camps don’t begin until mid-June. I can’t have her and DH home all day with each other for two weeks because they will fight nonstop. However, two of my other kids will still be in school so we can’t be doing fun summer stuff either. Ideas?

Baby’s case is starting to really freak me out. I think I've said that 100,000 times on here. One parent is TPR'd. The other is deep into the throes of addiction. Crap! I feel so much for this parent. She's super likable and we genuinely like her and care about her. We wish we could help in some tangible way.

The other piece is that if adoption is inevitable, then I just want it to be done already. I know that sounds so awful, but we have reached a new level of sad/stressed here with this case. Probably at least in part because we care about the parent and it's scary and painful to watch the spiral. I want Baby to be secure in permanency and the parent to know that before anything gets worse than it is for the parent. I know I'm being vague. It's been a very long and emotional day.

[theworldoffostering]

Back to Five

We heard form RK’s worker that she filed court paperwork yesterday to move RK. She’s leaving in less than ten days. She doesn’t want to leave before the end of the school year. We said we were willing to negotiate that with the county. The county said no, we are moving her.

I started boxing up her things yesterday. She is going to a family that has been providing respite for her since January so she knows them. They have also said they will be her adoptive resource if it comes to that. I’m hopeful this will work out and it will be what’s best for RK. I know that we cannot be the adoptive resource so in the long run, I think it’s better for her to move now rather than wait. I also think it’s better for DS who has clearly had a very challenging year.

I want to figure out a way to commemorate the last year she has spent with us but am not sure what’s appropriate for her with her situation and her age. Any thing that y'all have done that has worked well for kids that are moving on that you still anticipate seeing in the future? We will still see RK on a weekly basis, as well as provide respite for her.

[theworldoffostering]

Misc

DS had a complete meltdown and we are finally just now getting to bed at 1am. I'm equal parts so angry with him and feel incredibly sad for him. I just don't get it. His fight or flight kicks in so hard that there seems to be no turning it off, and it turns on over the most seemingly insignificant events. DH made me an appointment to get my nose pierced for my birthday. I've been talking about it for years but haven't researched it at all. I just want a tiny stud in one nostril. Who has one? What do I need to know up front? Parent texted us late tonight and wants to meet up tomorrow morning to get the ball rolling on Baby's case. We have explained 800 times that we can do nothing. The case worker is the person to contact. Not to mention, I have six kids and cannot just made a morning meeting happen with 12 hours notice. I don't get it and am so frustrated. And I know I sound whiny. I am. When crap like this goes down, I wonder if we are supposed to do this or not. Like are we really good enough parents for this baby when DS is clearly struggling? I don't know man. Parenting is not a strong ego boost for me right now.

[theworldoffostering]

Freaking out! Just got off the phone with our worker. She's going to file a TPR referral for the Baby! You'd think we could be sort of excited. Not really though. Now she is saying that the state will consider his half-sibling when they make a recommendation for placement. Y'all, they aren't legal siblings and the sibling is at least 10. They've never lived together. However, they maybe will have to be placed together. I'm sick to my stomach.

[theworldoffostering]

Went to work today. Called the new GAL again (he didn’t return my call from last week), and spoke to him. He wants to meet with DH and I in person! Scheduled for later this month. He also gave me his email address so I can send my January notes to him. I’m relieved that I reached him and the call went better than I imagined it would in my head.

Picked DS up from school on my way home. E is going to school, doesn’t have a fever, and is keeping her oxygen level around 97, but still coughing a lot. We are doing her vest and nebulizer 2x as often as normal. She finished a five day course of steroids today. We have a call into her specialist to see if we should get some more so we can keep her on it for a few more days.

DS had an appointment with the in-home therapist this afternoon, and the little boys were going nuts, so DH packed them up into the stroller for me and I took them out for a walk. So grateful that we had temps around 40 today and that it is light out past 5pm. I managed to get out for nearly an hour which felt so good and the boys both conked out.

Came home, had dinner, put kids to bed. Baby is still up. RK joined basketball and tonight was her first practice. She liked it and returned from her respite weekend super chipper and happy. We implemented allowance last week in an effort to eliminate lying about money (now she’ll have her own), to teach money management (Oh, you already spent your money on gum and now want to buy a new ID? You’ll have to wait until next week when you get paid again.), and to take some of the things off of my plate. I realized that our kids are too dependent on us and I need them to be a bit more self-sufficient. I also don’t have time to do it all. The big girls are now in charge of dinner clean up which is a big weight off of me. DS unloads the dishwasher and sweeps. I gave each of them a couple of weekly bathroom chores, and DS and RK have to practice 10 minutes of alone time daily (it’s a life skill to be able to entertain yourself–learn it now). So far, allowance is working. Let’s hope it continues to be motivating.

As I was returning from my walk, we got a message from Baby’s parent. He wants to talk adoption again. Waiting for Baby to conk out to have a phone call with the parent. This back and forth is killing me.

ETA: We called and the parent didn't pick up. We haven't heard from him since the week before Christmas.

[theworldoffostering]

Foster Care

Baby went on his visit today. Y'all, this is hard! We are going to start one visit a week until Parent is home and then will start increasing. Mom wants DH or into bring him on the weekends to visit and I just said no. I'm happy to be nice and kind and genuine, but I am not going to make up for the four months of visits that she missed out on because of the choices she made. Addiction sucks. I don’t get it from the I-Have-Experience perspective, but I do understand that it is a disease, and I think anything that has been a struggle for more than ten years is HARD to change no matter how much you want it.

When I went through this permanency back-and-forth with my now ten year old, I was a single mom. It was SO painful, but I think being married makes going through it difficult in a totally different way. DH is struggling through his emotions with being on this roller coaster. So am I. Then we are trying to still function together as a unit and it’s not easy.

We have one parent that’s MIA but the length of time doesn’t mean anything for another couple of months. He could come back on scene at any time with no explanation and basically try again. The second parent is encouraging him to do just that. We won’t hit the 15th mark for being in care until July.

I reached out to the new GAL today and left a message. Worried because we’ve been out of court for most of Baby’s life and now that we have a hearing coming up in a couple of months, we have no idea which side the GAL is going to take. The worker reminded us this week that the judge is also crazy. I had forgotten about that. Where we live judges rotate every three years. The new one rotated in in September so he’s here to stay and he is very pro-parent. Remember when I went to court with RK? Her mom ranted in court without an attorney and her other kid was asked to leave court and wouldn’t, and the judge basically did nothing. It’s going to be a long road y'all. (I know I shouldn’t complain because it’s definitely not anywhere near as bad as NYC.)

[theworldoffostering]

Baby's GAL quit and now we were appointed a new one that had never been a GAL before. Let's hope he's in it for the right reasons and will do his job. After more than four months with visits, one parent went to rehab and visits will start again. Lord have mercy, DH and I are hoping our marriage survives this case. No seriously, we are getting some maintenance counseling. We're about 6.5 years into marriage and have reached a tough spot. No drama, just life is hard, foster care is hard, we don't have any time to enjoy one another right now, kind of hard. We are both committed to our marriage and one another so no shame in trying to get things on the right track again. Thankfully the guy that did our pre-marital counseling is around and friends with us so he offered to jump right in when we approached him about it. The other parent in Baby's case hasn't had a visit in about two months now so there's a great deal of back and forth over what the outcome of the case will be. Court is in April. The judge we currently have is crazy and pro-parent which is fine except when it's not. I will be preparing a statement to make and if it all goes to hell, I will be asking to speak which is my legal right since we've had placement for more than six months. We gave notice on RK. Not like 30 day notice. More like, the county needs to get a plan together and move this case in a direction. RK has been in care for over a year and nothing is happening. We said we would maintain placement until June and then needed a break. We are feeling some pressure from the state to kick things into gear with Ms. 6 which terrifies me but we are giving it our all. Heading to visit again in February.