I’m so fucking mad. Fuck you. You corporate cocksucker. How fucking dare you. You promise change, healing, building. But your allegiance ultimately lies with your donors, your party. Fuck you. You give people false hope. Are you going to stop the construction of the Dakota Acess Pipeline? No. You won’t, and if you do, will you stop deporting immigrants and separating families? No. If you do, will you stop arming the civil war in Yemen? No you fucking won’t, but if you do, will you outlaw private prisons? No, you fucking won’t. Will you outlaw prison labor? No, you fucking won’t. Will you redistribute wealth? No, you fucking won’t. Will you stop the exploitation of both foreign and domestic workers? No, you fucking won’t. Will you stop coordinating a coup for every democratically elected leader in a socialist country? No, you fucking won’t. Will you make public college tuition free? No, you fucking won’t. Will you abolish the police? Will you give the First Nations their land back? Hawaii? Puerto Rico? Will you stop pillaging countries for their oil? Will you stop supporting the imperialist state of Israel? Will you stop any of these things? Will you create a genuinely free country of equal opportunity? Will you make sure the newest generation’s children will have a planet to live in? A planet to save, even?
No. You fucking won’t.
Things will stay exactly the same. Any existing change will be minimal, in order to stoke the flames of faith in “gradual change”. Fuck you, and your platitudes, placations, false promises. Fuck you for saying “this isn’t us, this isn’t America, America has always been a force for good in the world,” in some woke brand of nationalism. Fuck you for giving the people of this country false hope.
Biden, you have never stood for anything but your own political gains. Harris is the same. You are not a symbol of progress, not a cue for everyone in this country to sigh with relief. You symbolize insurmountable strength of the status quo, you demonstrate the impossibility of substantial change under the state. You are a loud proclamation to the people of America: you cannot vote for progress or change or equality, only a farce of it.
Change must be seized by our own hands. No one is going to come and save us. I’m tempted to lose hope, because what we must achieve is so far out of reach I can barely see it. But I know I cannot. So long as there is a working class, there is a battle to be won. So long as there is a world, there is a world to save. People much worse off than I am are struggling for life. In the hopes that they, their children, and I might one day taste freedom, I have to move forwards.
Fuck you, Biden.
Fuck you, Harris.
If you will not bring change, I will work to bring it myself.
The status quo is soul crushing, but I must not let it crush me.
The dusty gravel was crunching beneath the soles of his heavy boots as he made his way for Cotisse Haven. How often had this been their path and how often had they laid down under the starlit sky, making plans about what to spend the Gil on they would make with the next hunt just before Ignis had suggested to finally get some sleep. Prompto would have whined and Noctis probably wouldn’t have moved an inch if it hadn’t been for Gladio, threatening him with a kick in his „royal ass“.
Today nobody was talking. He was making his way alone, carefully placing every step and cautiously pricking up his ears in case anything unpleasant would be approaching. The hunters had told him it to be madness, leaving Hammerhead without a torchlight but he had only tilted his head defiantly, pulling up his lips into a torn smirk. They had fallen silent instantly. Gladly enough they had handed over the supplies he had asked for without any further comment. It was exhausting having to persuade and to hear them talk all the time.
So here he was, back straightened and step gracious as ever. Anyone who would have crossed him now probably would have mistaken him for any honourable man who was bold enough to walk around defenseless in the dark. Not that any demon would have cared.
Besides he was everything but defenseless. Some were calling him senseless, yes, but ironically he couldn’t blame them. He indeed had lost his senses, one of them being crucial.
Or was it? In times of darkness what was there to be seen really?
The path started winding up and announced the haven to be close. Carefully, one step after the other, he made his way to the top of the haven. It had been quite some years already since he had gotten rid of that ridiculous walking cane, but there were still times when he feared to stumble and sprawl onto the infested ground before him. He always hoped that he would never have anyone to witness this humiliating sight. But he was not stumbling today. Tonight. Whatever bloody time of the day it ever was.
Once arrived on top, Ignis paused for a moment, allowing the soft breeze dishevel his styled hair. It smelled foul, heavy of sickness, decay and despair. There would be no starlit sky for him tonight. Not anymore.
The hunters had been talking about sickly green clouds blocking out the light and black snowlike flakes dusting down from them. There were quite some times when Ignis had been wondering if those black flakes would deliver him the Scourge but even though they had fallen onto his garb and melted into the skin of his face he had always been spared. It was not yet proven if the Scourge was even spreading that way but the people around him considered it a miracle. They spoke of guardian angels. Gladio too had put his hand on his shoulder once, telling him that it was a sign.
A sign he could not just wither away. A sign for the purpose, the meaning his life still had. That he had a reason to carry on. His only reason.
Noct.
Ignis heaved a sigh, stripped off his gloves and knelt down to unpack the supplies he had brought with him. It was not much, really but just enough for what he had in mind. It all fitted in one of the typical leather bags the hunters were carring around to stock their few remaining potions and antidots and what else they needed to keep them alive. When he first took out a few sheets of paper he uttered an unpleased sound. He probably had not been walking carefully enough, as he could make out folds and creases on the smooth surface. Well, it couldn’t be helped. With another sigh – he had adopted this habit of frequent sighing over the years – he took out a pen, carefully unscrewed the cap and put both on top of the paper. When he reached into the bag for a third time he took out a small box, opened the lid and placed it next to his writing utensils. Inside there was what he himself found a poor excuse of a pastry. Gladio and Prompto had assured him that they didn’t see or taste any difference from the ones he had made for practise when they had met up some time ago. Must have been after one of the more perilous hunts, or something similar. It had grown rare for them to spend much time together. So this was all Ignis was capable of right now. Even though it was nagging on his mind not to be able to have a clear view on his performance, he was always determined to excel as perfectly as possible.
With all those supplies laid out in front of him Ignis finally sat down, taking both pen and paper into his hands. He was about to start writing but then hesitated. A broken smile ghosted over his face as he looked up to the starless poisonous blanket of clouds whose ill colour would always remain but imagination. He lowered his arms to the side of his crossed legs and let out a bitter laugh. Pressing the sheets of paper down onto the ground of the haven with one hand, he started writing words into the sky, bravely voicing each and every single one.
„Dearest Noct,
I wish I would have done this earlier but neither the time nor the place felt right. To be honest, a part of me was afraid of this, because... Well, you can imagine that for me writing turns out to be quite cumbersome and requires some kind of creativity. Which I must add is rather scarce these days. These years to be precise. Most of the people lost track of time but I am counting every day and every minute, every breath in your absence. It is still hard to believe that more than ten years have passed by since you were taken by the Crystal. But here we are, still standing, hoping and fighting for the Dawn. At least this is true for the most of us. For I, you must know, am standing, hoping and fighting for the return of my King, the return of my friend and the return of the most precious person in my life.
So, hoping the stars might grant me this wish, I am out here at Cotisse Haven writing this. Even though the stars have gone blind, I thought they might still have a little sympathy left for those alike. But it is not only my wish to the stars that is being written down tonight. There is another wish, almost even in importance.
You might as well have noticed but we write the 30th August 766 and so I am also here to wish you a very blessed birthday. I have been celebrating all of them in secret to be honest, to not hurt Gladio or Prompto or anyone else who would see this. But I wanted... to spend time with you and I knew you would have appreciated it. So, today we mark your 30th birthday, truly an impressive number. I am sure you have been growing into a fine man and I can only imagine what you would be looking like now. Alas I will never be in the position to really see you with my own eyes. A pity if you ask me.
The Noctis inside of me—the You that departed ten years ago is still vibrant and alive, sometimes smiling the most radiant smile I have ever known. Even when I thought that it had faded, that you had... left for good, this You proved me better and kept me going.
I still remember the times in the Citadel, when I took responsibility for your scribblings on the paintings of the Prophecy, times when I took the blow for our nightly excursions and how happy we were with all of it. Call it foolish but I find myelf longing for those long forgotten days, or just the simple things such as staying over at your apartment or embracing each other secretly in the tent when the other two were fast asleep.
Oh Noct, I cannot even fathom the amount of words needed to tell you how much I miss you. Though it would only take all but one touch, I could never adequately express.
There are so many times that I am reproaching myself for not having been better, not having been able to protect you, to care for you the way I should have, the way I have sworn to you. I deeply resent my own self for this and maybe this is why the Gods decided to punish me by taking my sight. Yet I would have gone through anything necessary to protect you, to bring you back. And I still would.
Noct, please believe me that all of this time I have been deperately trying to find you, but again I only saw me failing miserably. All the hope I still have, the thought that is helping me carry on is that maybe you will be finding me instead. All the time I felt as if I was about to shatter, that I could no longer carry on, I felt your presence lingering in the air. I pray to the Six that I am not mistaken and that your magic still persisting is no farce of the man whose name I will not utter.
This magic of yours is the only thing remaining of what used to be your touch. And Gods, it feels so lonely. If I was allowed just one more selfishness, I would wish for you being back at my side. No talks about the Night, the Dawn or the line of Kings.
Gods Noctis, you are all I am thinking about, all that keeps me going and what still kept me alive all of those years. Laugh at me for this weakness, say that it is not like me and joke about it. I would most gladly show you more of what I have become, if it only was to have your laughter reach my ears. It would be beyond all measure to ask for us to be united in love. But merely to be able to stand by your side right now would be more than enough.“
Ignis lowered his hand and brought the heel of his hand to his forehead, letting himself grieve silently. It took some time until the shaking of his shoulders had stopped and the tears had run dry.
„I so much hope you are alright and that you will come back here soon“, he continued.
„Please know that I will always have your back, that I will always be awaiting your return and never let you down again. I solemnly vow this to you by all that I am.
Yours ever
Ignis“
When the words had been taken away by the breeze, Ignis just sat there in silence for a few heartbeats. After he had taken off his visors for a moment to wipe away whatever remains of tears would have been visible, he stoically started packing his supplies together. All those words he had written into the sky, in hope they might reach Noctis somewhere—none of them had found their way onto the paper. Only white sheets, filled with silent screams of loneliness, devotion and affection. After another heavy sigh, Ignis forced himself to bring down the tip of the pen to the paper lying on top and delicately scrape some words onto it.
Before Ignis took his leave he tugged the sheet of paper into a small crevice on the campsite ground, secretly hoping for it to be gone the next time he would come here. Maybe even hoping for it to reach its destination, even though he would have never admitted publicly.
The letter which was supposed to convey his deepest thoughts and yearning ultimately consisted of nothing more than four simple words in deliberate handwriting.
It’s honestly a weird situation to actively be in love with someone but recognize that the relationship is ultimately unhealthy for both of you. I love her and want to be with her but I’m scared when I’m around her with that established dynamic.
Debating now how long I should wait for emotions to cool. I feel now that I could stand firm on a no if she pushed, and she will. But it’s still going to hurt because it’ll hurt her and thus hurt me and I didn’t want it to end in the first place
Relationships are complicated. How do people tolerate this.
I don’t know how long it’ll take her to get over/handle her feelings for me? And I know given how new she is she won’t recognize the time she needs. Neither do I come to think of it but suffering in general is the usual so whatever.
but i guess in that year we’d grown too differently to be relevant to each other anymore. we already had completely opposite personalities, but while before we complemented each other, we now found nothing left. we liked the same things still unsurprisingly—it was the reason we were friends in the first place—but things seemed different and we were never able to fall into that same friendship that we had back then.
and i guess that’s part of growing up but it makes me sad that i don’t know where she’s going to college, that i don’t know how she is, that someone who was with me for so long is now completely out of my reach (my own fault for self-destructing into depression until long after graduation)
and when i drive past her house on my way to somewhere else, i can’t help but think about her and all those connections i threw away because of my own selfish needs.
