The problem is, of course, that getting there is very, very difficult.
I guess for me it's difficult because it's impossible for me to be confident across the board. Sometimes it feels like I have to trade in confidence in one area for another. Confident in your musicianship abilities? Oh, gotta trade in some confidence in writing. Confidence in appearance requires a trade off in confidence of social skills. I dunno.
I think that's my problem right now. After years and years I've finally managed to make myself feel good about my clarinet playing. But that doesn't make me a confident person by any stretch of the imagination.
It's not a static task, either. It's something you - or, at least, I - have to work for every second I'm awake. If you lose the fight even by an inch, you're right back where you started. It's a very conscious task, and man, do I find it hard to do.
It's worth it, though. It's worth it because I've come so far. It's worth it because sophomore year of high school I felt like I would never fight my way out of the hole I'd fallen into and somehow here I am, still alive and feeling like I actually deserve to be. It's worth the extra boost in ability, because it seems like confidence is the thing that loosens up the knots in your chest that restrains you from reaching your full potential.
I'm still working on it. Some days are better than others. Nowadays, there are more better days.
