#this might be triggering

[letsdiscoverkitty]

This evening every fibre in my body wants to give up and throw in the towel.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be eating all this food. I don’t want to be gaining weight. I don’t want to be confined to these four walls. I don’t want to be sitting all day. I don’t want people to be trying to help me. I don’t want any positivity. I don’t want help. I don’t want support. I don’t want any of it. It is all too heavy. It is all too much. I can’t do this. I just want to disappear.

[bapdirt]

banglo - ambulance :)))

au where they’re normal people just trying to do their best in life. I’m just gonna say it: somebody dies at the end, he dead.

Yongguk’s feet pound pavement, zipping between a couple holding hands, past the homeless man sleeping on the next street corner, and tripping over a crack in the sidewalk. The bag of groceries he bought is spilled on the ground somewhere near the market, the list of things Junhong wanted gone in the wind where he dropped it all before sprinting towards their apartment complex.

He’s never ran so fast in life. If he hadn’t ushered him home to get an early start, to get in the shower, have a snack, and maybe watch his favorite show so he would get to bed earlier, then maybe it wouldn’t have happened.

Yongguk just wanted to take care of him.

Junhong kept asking if he was sure if he should walk home first, the line was long and Yongguk was sleepy, but he told him to go ahead. Watched him hop out of line and make a cute faces at him through the window as he disappeared down the block.

Youngjae called him before he made it out of the sliding doors and stammered through the news, the roar of an ambulance in the background.

By time he makes it the ambulance is rushing the opposite way, past him, carrying Junhong it.

“Wait, hyung! Wait, you can’t run after it!” Youngjae pulls at his sleeve, spinning him around.

Yongguk shoves past him to get to the garage, to his stupid motorcycle with Junhong’s silly ass helmet decorated in skate stickers and sharpie marker strapped to the back of it.

Youngjae tells him the hospital they’re taking him to and that he’ll meet him there. Yongguk speeds off down the street without a thought in his head. He doesn’t like going above thirty or running red lights.

Fuck the red light.

•••

Hit and run. Internal bleeding, head trauma, a couple fractures. Surgery. Major surgery. The waiting room is chilly and unwelcoming, bland off-white walls and stiff chairs.

Junhong’s mother can’t stop crying and his brother goes through an entire pack of cigarettes in the fourteen hours they wait for the doctor to come out, and his father is overseas calling constantly. Yongguk hasn’t said more than a few words to them the entire time. He and Junhong never got to chance to admit they were—are more than friends, and Yongguk isn’t just doing him a favor by letting him live under his roof.

Now isn’t a good time to be admitting things.

Everyone in the room jumps when a doctor comes through the double doors, probably wondering if it’s news on the person they’re waiting on.

“Family of Choi Junhong?” The doctor calls, grave faced.

Yongguk tries to stand but his knees won’t work, pinpricks of pain dancing up his legs from sitting down so long.

“Us, that’s us,” Junseo rushes towards him.

The doctor takes a deep breath before he explains Junhong’s condition. Blood rushes to his head quicker than a spin top, his ears ringing, as his mother collapses into her older sons hold.

Maybe he and Junhong will tell his parents the truth another time, when they meet as different people.

[laughshe-a]

harleen never really said it out loud but she really really needed her father present in her life . she acted out as a teenager and was unpleasant to other students all the time , going so far to get into fights with other girls and start nasty rumors about classmates she saw as competition , all because harley really wanted to get noticed . and when one of her teachers actually took the effort to try and guide her in the right direction and advise her she saw in him a father figure . and because she really didn’t have many friends he became involved in her personal life , going so far to visit her single mom at home and , you know , just trying to be the role model she needed . but that got ruined because teens can be really vindictive .

so her new father figure became a monster to the community , this big ominous figure that lived on through rumors and lies . because of that he completely vanished , just like her father .

harleen moved to gotham and , in college , she got romantically involved with a professor because he was a role model that noticed her  (  though not for the reasons harley would have liked  )  and ended up agreeing to marrying him because harley knew he would always put her on a pedestal .

harley gets her revenge on her colleagues because of what they did to her and her teacher back in high school but with her husband it’s the threat of having a baby that sends her into a frenzy . the thought that harleen would stop being the center of her husband’s world ( and her own world ) , that she’d have to suddenly transfer all the attention she craved so much onto a child would have ruined her . and that’s why she kills guy , because , suddenly , his focus wasn’t about her anymore .

AND after this long string of murders , that harley does her best to hide from the world , she finds out that working hard to help others who the world has turned its’ back on isn’t enough . that there really isn’t any effort being made by society ( we live in a society !!!!  ) to take care of all these lonely fragile people . nobody looks at them besides harleen . nobody looks at harleen ( really looks ) besides harleen herself !!! and with the riots initiated by the joker , she just comes to terms with the fact that there is no cure for what she lacks . nobody cares ! her father doesn’t care , her mother doesn’t understand , her grandmother is dead , she’s all alone !

and so , after the riots , i think harleen just recedes back to what she was before this whole mess of trying to find a father figure to hold on to started ; A SELFISH , CHILDISH , VINDICTIVE GIRL who thinks the world is out to get her . so , she might as well get the world first and have a blast while doing so .

[coconutpeachtart]

[topfics]

hahahah i just had a meltdown in class and i feel so dumb 🙃

[punkpea-blog]

I hate you I feel sick I don’t remember the nights but I remember your face when you looked at me, when I never said yes and you did it anyways slid off my underwear disgusting disgusting dosgusting disgusting I remember the taste when you yelled at me that look haunts me pierces the back of my mind I remember asking someone about it it all settled badly with me made me feel gross I knew what you were doing was wrong yet I let it happen cried and ignored it all the person I asked said it was my fault that I should have been better and that you were alright I hate it I hate it you ruined this i hate you

that person looks familiar oh oh oh oh oh oh panic pANIC PANIC cold sweat heart pounding body trembling all because I saw you again and everything came back to me

[wildabeests]

what’s weird about my current state of being:

-i am more emotionally stable than i have ever been in the past 5 years -my physical health is the worst it has been in my life -for the first time i am addicted to physically destructive things more so than mentally destructive ones (this makes me wonder if in actuality i’m still ridiculously depressed but coping with it in a different manner) -music is becoming a very large part of my life again -i feel like the most prevalent feeling that occupies my mind is confusion -i believe in myself and my capabilities to achieve my goals -the amount of food i consume has dropped to a borderline-unhealthy amount and i can’t tell if it’s involuntary or if it’s my subconscious self that wants to control my food intake and weight

i don’t know if i’m going uphill or downhill

[greymattress]

i mean i had a fucking panic attack at school because i felt like my friends hated me and when i expressed it i thought it would get better but it got worse