okay. we gotta start this up again. i need to get okay again
who am i now?
im milo, im 24 years old, i weigh (im scared to check) lets overstimate and say 72 kg. my active lowest was 65 i think.
i dont like exercise, i hate exercise. it makes me feel bad and in pain.
i want to not spill out of my clothes. i want to look like a wire rack.
without exercise, i will be flabby. i have accepted that. i just want to have free space in my current clothes. most of my pants are mens XS or womens S/low M's. im slowly stopping being able to fir inly my clothes
i want my breasts gone. i want surgery.
i ama ddicted to nicotine. i vape and i hate that i do, but i cant stop. i dont drink often anymore, but when i do, its multiple days in a row in definitely drunk quantities. i occassionally take week gummies every second day for a few weeks, then when i run out i stop
im moving out again hopefully after this semester
i always wanted an eating disorder, as far back as when my then best friend in middle school had one. she looked very sick and i wanted to take that sickness from her, ebcause she looked fine! when she was healthy i mean. i wanted the body hair and the weakness and the compulsive exercise. i still do
i dont care about looking like bones. im not feminine. i want to look gangly and awkward.
i have a girlfriend of a year. im with ehr ebcause i love her. shes damaging to my mental health but not maliciously, she has a lot of issues herself, which complicate everything. and yet i stay. i suspect its for selfish reasons
ive got a kind of successful job, also of a year. i am ajunior programmer at a prospering company. im well liked at my job, even if i feel like im miles behind everyone
i still want to die. it comes and goes, and i dont think about ti when im with people. but when im idle for a bit, i notice how empty and unmotivated my life is. i cant have other regulating me, but i simply dont want to put in effort into anything. or most things that are required to 'have a life'. my ideal day is sitting on my bed at my computer, playing a video game i enjoy and watching youtube, and getting high on substances. this is genuinely want i WANT and what i do when left to my own devices
i am a coward. i wont kill myself. i wish i had pills i could overdose on, but i simply dont. i could buy pills on the deep web, its relatively straighforward, but im awkward and scared and well. a coward.
i failed my drivers exam four times by now. i doubt ill ever pass, but my next attempt is after the april/may trip with ema. ema is my girlfriend. i live for her, because i know shell kill herself if ill go. and because i simply physically dont tolerate pain
im twenty four years old as of five days ago. hitler was born today, yknow? i always make this joke, im allowed to im polish and my fatehrs a historian. thats not a good reason i guess
i want to be depressed, because depressed people kill themselves. i want to have severa anorexia, because people who do are emanciated. i want to be raped. which is the most horrible thing to wish for. i want something bad to happen to me, and i want to die
i had three slices of pizza today. i wont eat anything else today. i barely fir in my pants. i feel every inch of my body fold and move and compress. its dysphoria and self hate combined
im twenty four years old and i still think and type like a teenager. god