#thisazelife

[mysollicitusmind]

The Reminder.

This reminds me that right now, you are not mine to keep. That your heart still belongs to someone else that it's not me on your mind most of the time. That there are days where you are overwhelmed by the memories of warmth and it's not mine.

This reminds me that you are in pain. That you need your space even if you don't show it.

This reminds me that there was once someone who you treasured and protected more than me

This reminds me that there is still a shadow looking over your days and your still in the process of making lesser rainy days.

This reminds me that you are not mine to keep.

Not yet. Not still. But maybe someday..

[mysollicitusmind]

YOU SCARE ME.

I'm starting to see a good change in you..if I was my old self, id probably say that it's a good thing. I'd be sooo excited to help you be the person you should be. But right now? I'm scared. I'm scared that when you do move on and get better, you'll pack up and leave.

It's not something that you would intentionally do. I bet right now, your not even thinking of doing any of it. Our love is young and promises are easy. You won't even notice that you want to leave, it will creep on you like a thief in the night. Slowly consuming your thoughts. So little each day that you think it's not even there until the day comes when you wake up and you look at me sleeping beside you and the love you have for me is just gone. You won't hate me. There's no reason for hate but you feel different..indifferent. you don't hate me but you don't love me. And just like that, it's gone and your heart left before you did.

Why do I always have to do the fixing? Why am I so fond of picking up broken people? Maybe I was hoping that somehow somewhere someone would want to start fixing me too.

What does love really feel like? Coz up until now, I'm still trying to figure it out. Still trying to find that thin line that separates needing someone because you love them and loving someone because you needed them..it's a hard thought but something that I was never able to find the difference. Maybe this time, I hope...

[mysollicitusmind]

Maybe, Just Maybe…

Maybe, Just maybe..

I’ll find someone who won’t mind dancing in the rain

Who laughs at my silliness not because it’s funny but because it’s me

Whose face brightens up whenever I sneak a peak.

Who makes me laugh even when I’m angry.

Who gets all the eggs wrong in the morning because I’m the one who does the cooking

Who loves bringing lunch to work so he can share it with his work friends and brag that it was me who made them

Who pulls over at the side of the road for a pretty flower to take home so i would never have to wonder if I crossed his mind on a busy day at work

Who is excited to come home coz he knows it’s a place of rest where laughter is easy and burdens of the day floats away with a series of deep breaths on a tight hug whenever he gets home

Probably just someone whose love is so tangible..making it impossible to hide

[mysollicitusmind]

I envy the sun. For when it sets, it resets.

I wish there was a reset button to all these. I guess we all do. A time where you can go back and undo the mistakes that you did. It's quite alarming to think that everyday feels the same and nothing ever changes.

Well, today..I just feel like my life deserves a reset. If most people feels like they don't want to change anything that is in their life today, I feel like for me, I want everything to be just different. It's not that I have a problem with the blessings that God has given me since Day 1. I just think that things are so messed up everyday and.. it's time to get a chance to reset your life.

I wish I could 🥺

Over to the night and into the morning

[mysollicitusmind]

Asking for help maybe the last thing on my mind. I always try to make things on my own. It's really hard and today..I just need to write this down.

Hi love, sorry today. I got upset when I asked you Kung kelan Yung ride nyo and you told me Wala pang date and that your bestfriend and his gf will also be riding with you along with other friends of yours. At some point, yeah. Nakakainggit na you get to go to places. Pero that part, I think I have already overcome. I want you to to go to places and not get stuck with me in this four corners. Another thing that I got scared of is that there will be people in there who you would certainly get along with. You might find yourself talking to an amazing woman that has a lot of common things with you. You both love to sports, wants to travel to places, and can ride anywhere you want to. You may start off having simple conversations and without knowing you start thinking that you want me to be like her and eventually end up falling for her. I know this is waayyy to advanced stuff but that's what I'm scared of. Because certainly, in your circle you'll find someone compatible and the thing about that is that..it's okay. I mean it when I said I want you to be happy. And right at this moment, I can imagine you with this amazing girl riding into mountains, going into hikes, taking incredible photos. Living the life.

And you know what? I want you to have that kind of life. Not this one. Not the one that I can give you. So I hope someday if you cannot find me, I hope you understand why I left and believe me when I say that when the time comes that you have that..that you find that person.. I'll move away slowly and this time, I hope you'll stop looking for me.

I love you and it's weird to say but your happiness means more to me now.

[mysollicitusmind]

Photo grabbed.

The walk.

It was a monumental one. I guess at this point, I could say that I really had been through a lot. Probably a lot more than the regular people. The constant battle with my mental health and the never ending failing of my body. It sometimes feel like my body refuses to live and I just push it to do so.

It was one of those rare moments when he just said. "Do you want to take the stairs?, It'll just be like a red carpet". There's this wide stair in the hospital and we walked there hand in hand. Chin up. The he started saying "this is for us. This is for the times when we faced through a lot of things but we didn't give up. We were stronger and we fought our way through".

Cheers to couples struggling out there. We will surely come out stronger.

[mysollicitusmind]

Pain demands to be felt.

I wasn't wearing a smile when I met you. My life was upside down and you gave me a little bit of hope. You dragged me to a place where I thought I could be happy. Then you left. You said it was all just for the fun of it. I was hurt but I didn't hate you. How could I? When you where the one who showed me that I'm worth the attention you were giving me at that time. The sad part is, you left me when I needed you most. I told you I needed you. You said you don't want to be in a relationship, you said your not responsible enough that I'll be better without you and I was desperate. I was still in a bad place and you left. But still, I didn't hate you. How could I? When you gave me the one thing that would push me to be better? But the pain was there. Is it possible to feel pain but still love someone? A few weeks later, you told everyone that you are happy with someone. Broken was more than what I felt. I just know that it wasn't me. That maybe I'm not just worth it. That it's okay for you to leave. Because really, what can a girl like me give to someone like you. I just ended up accepting that.. no one would want to be with me. I mean, really. Then I lost "Eli". I sent you a message. You said you were afraid of hospitals so I didn't push. I hid everything to everyone. It was a mistake trusting you. I held ashes on my hands, saying sorry..because I can't do anything to keep him.. sorry because maybe I wasn't careful enough or maybe because I didn't have the courage to show him off to the world like his dad did. So thats why we lost him. I wanted to hate you. Blame you for everything. But I can't. How can I? When you gave me something that helped me stand on my feet so I can be what you dont want to be. Then you came back, you said sorry..you said it was your fault. You said you wanted to let me go. But I can't. Not anymore. How can I? When I've been waiting for you to love me all this time? But I guess the question is: Is it possible to love someone who deeply hurt you? I can still feel the pain but I can also feel his love more.

[mysollicitusmind]

WERE NOT SAFE HERE.

Were my exact words when I bolted up our bed. I saw a flash of light and suddenly I'm no longer where I am. I'm transported in a place where people are screaming. I can hear them in my head and they are telling me "You have to run", "It's not safe here", "They are coming after you", "No one is safe", "If you leave, you'll avoid bringing everyone down with you". "Run. run..."

I was sobbing. He hugged me tight. Whispering "it's okay. We're safe. I'm right here". I held his face with both my hands and leaned my forehead against his and told him "We have to go. It's not safe". He hugged me tighter. My sobs become louder. I can feel my heart pounding through my chest as fear creeps in. We have to go now before fear takes over and leaves me paralyzed. My feet are ready to bolt. My mind already making plans how to make my escape. Every route, every turn was already clear in my mind. I just have to keep running to lure away those trying to hurt us. I need to run. He kept on telling me to calm down And started asking me a few things." What's your grounding techniques?" He said, "5 things you can see,4 things you can touch?". "No.no. I answered". I tried to tell him until we got it right. Then we started again. He asked.."tell me five things you can see". I opened my eyes, didn't even realized that my eyelids were shut tight opening them gave my eyes some relief. I looked around and said "pillow, curtains.." I stopped and he urged. "What else?". I responded " Fan, bed, you". "Okay. Good. Tell me 4 things you can hear". He pushed. I replied " the mechanical hum of air-conditioning, the blades of the fan, the cars outside and your voice". He said "Good. Let's keep going. Tell me 3 things you can smell". He was hugging my tight again and for a moment I remembered we needed to go. I struggled for a bit and then he told me: "we will leave if you tell me this. Give me 3 things you can smell" he repeated. I answered " the soap on the pillows, my own perfume, your skin". And then asked me again. " Name 2 things you can touch". I tried to focus and said " the texture of our bed sheet, the warmth of your skin". He cupped my face and asked. " Name 1 thing you can taste". He suddenly brought his lips to mine.. kissing me slowly, as if I'd break if he kissed me intensely, it took a me a few seconds before I realized I was kissing him back. I tried to pull away to stop my sobs but he was holding me tight and I melted into his kiss and just like that--i was back.

#thisazelife