MySollicitusMind

Courage doesn't mean you are not afraid, it's acting despite the fear.

[mysollicitusmind]

The Reminder.

This reminds me that right now, you are not mine to keep. That your heart still belongs to someone else that it's not me on your mind most of the time. That there are days where you are overwhelmed by the memories of warmth and it's not mine.

This reminds me that you are in pain. That you need your space even if you don't show it.

This reminds me that there was once someone who you treasured and protected more than me

This reminds me that there is still a shadow looking over your days and your still in the process of making lesser rainy days.

This reminds me that you are not mine to keep.

Not yet. Not still. But maybe someday..

[mysollicitusmind]

YOU SCARE ME.

I'm starting to see a good change in you..if I was my old self, id probably say that it's a good thing. I'd be sooo excited to help you be the person you should be. But right now? I'm scared. I'm scared that when you do move on and get better, you'll pack up and leave.

It's not something that you would intentionally do. I bet right now, your not even thinking of doing any of it. Our love is young and promises are easy. You won't even notice that you want to leave, it will creep on you like a thief in the night. Slowly consuming your thoughts. So little each day that you think it's not even there until the day comes when you wake up and you look at me sleeping beside you and the love you have for me is just gone. You won't hate me. There's no reason for hate but you feel different..indifferent. you don't hate me but you don't love me. And just like that, it's gone and your heart left before you did.

Why do I always have to do the fixing? Why am I so fond of picking up broken people? Maybe I was hoping that somehow somewhere someone would want to start fixing me too.

What does love really feel like? Coz up until now, I'm still trying to figure it out. Still trying to find that thin line that separates needing someone because you love them and loving someone because you needed them..it's a hard thought but something that I was never able to find the difference. Maybe this time, I hope...

[mysollicitusmind]

Words that hurt but was true.

So, Today I’m happy. I’m meeting someone who is also very excited to see me and it warms my heart. I still can remember the time when I just felt numb. I never thought I’d move on and now here I am.

I’m taking it slow this time.

[mysollicitusmind]

We always end up loving the idea of love. The idea of that person builds up in our mind and you feel like he is all that. So, I was thinking of answering the basic questions myself:

What do I miss about him?

Is it the things we do together?

Which is what exactly?

Is it the things he says everyday?

Which is what exactly?

The gifts that he did not buy?

The nights where he didn’t care if you cried?

The times where you want to go out and he was not in the mood?

The times where he expected you to pay everytime you go out?

So, yeah. What did you miss?

[mysollicitusmind]

Bakit ganun?

Nung mga panahon na May kasama ka, hindi mo napapansin ang mga mag irog na nakakasalubong mo sa daan.

O Kaya’y ang magkasintahan na nagtatawanan habang pumipili ng toothpaste sa tindahan?

Pero nung Ikaw nlng mag isa ang naglalakad, bakit parang lahat sila May kapareha?

Bakit pawang mga may kahawak kamay ang tangi kong nakikitang May ngiti at masaya?

Yung mga katulad ko na naglalakad mag isa, karamihan nakayuko, o Kaya naman nakatingin ng diretso, may direksyon, nagmamadaling makarating sa kani-kanilang destinasyon.

Sinubukan ko naman, Hindi pa nmn ako sumuko na simulang buksan ang aking mga mata sa posibilidad na ipapakita ng tadhana ang sa akin ay nakalaan.

Ngunit isa itong malaking kabaliwan. Panu ko masasabing ako ay handa ng kumilala ng iba kung sa bawat pag Mulat ng aking mata ay umaasa akong Ikaw ang nasa aking harapan?

[mysollicitusmind]

Maybe, Just Maybe…

Maybe, Just maybe..

I’ll find someone who won’t mind dancing in the rain

Who laughs at my silliness not because it’s funny but because it’s me

Whose face brightens up whenever I sneak a peak.

Who makes me laugh even when I’m angry.

Who gets all the eggs wrong in the morning because I’m the one who does the cooking

Who loves bringing lunch to work so he can share it with his work friends and brag that it was me who made them

Who pulls over at the side of the road for a pretty flower to take home so i would never have to wonder if I crossed his mind on a busy day at work

Who is excited to come home coz he knows it’s a place of rest where laughter is easy and burdens of the day floats away with a series of deep breaths on a tight hug whenever he gets home

Probably just someone whose love is so tangible..making it impossible to hide

[mysollicitusmind]

Little Do You Know

Little do you know that the best moments I had with you are the least exciting ones.

It was when we sat down at the front of our apartment talking about random things.

It’s waiting for a ride at the stairs of a closed bank in the night and just watching the other people pass by.

It’s you sleeping at the couch while I work on stuff

It’s you holding out your hand while we cross the street.

But most of all. It’s the first time you held out your hand. You had your back at me but your arms were stretched out beckoning me to hold your hand and then and there..I knew you’ll always have a place in my heart.

#thisazelife

#PapaP

[mysollicitusmind]

Undesirable. Going to express something quite not for the eyes of below 18 people.

What does sex bring into a relationship?

It’s not just satisfying the flesh

It’s making a person feel more desirable.

Making someone feel more loved

Right now? I feel ugly and fat and I definitely need to make drastic changes to be more desirable again or else..where would this relationship go? Without attraction, without desire..what’s left is. Comfortability. A person stays with you because it’s favorable to him and when the circumstances are not. You are just a commodity. He doesn’t feel the need to impress you or to make extra moves to make you feel special. He is too comfortable that you will always be there even if he treats you like crap. He is no longer scared of losing you because he feels that he has you wrapped in his fingers and there’s nothing left to be done.

He got you. The chase is over and you are just someone who is around to make chores, to make his life comfortable, pay the bills and he doesn’t care of anything to give you anymore. He doesn’t care. He has become what you feared him to be.

An emotionally lazy man.

Because you did all the work for him and he feels that it will always be that way.

It’s done. Your done.

[mysollicitusmind]

There are times when giving up seems to be the most reasonable thing to do.

You know how hard it is to deal with having a very chaotic mind? You tend to read into every line that they tell you and it hurts. Everything hurts.

A single shove, an unintentional look could mean the rest of your day going down or the rest of your life thinking how intensely inadequate you are to the people you love.

And the hardest part is, when they do decide to walk away..you know that you deserve it.

You know that they deserve it.

To live a life away from you and have a good life away from you. It’s the only thing to keep them happy. To be away from you.

[mysollicitusmind]

I envy the sun. For when it sets, it resets.

I wish there was a reset button to all these. I guess we all do. A time where you can go back and undo the mistakes that you did. It's quite alarming to think that everyday feels the same and nothing ever changes.

Well, today..I just feel like my life deserves a reset. If most people feels like they don't want to change anything that is in their life today, I feel like for me, I want everything to be just different. It's not that I have a problem with the blessings that God has given me since Day 1. I just think that things are so messed up everyday and.. it's time to get a chance to reset your life.

I wish I could 🥺

Over to the night and into the morning

[mysollicitusmind]

Asking for help maybe the last thing on my mind. I always try to make things on my own. It's really hard and today..I just need to write this down.

Hi love, sorry today. I got upset when I asked you Kung kelan Yung ride nyo and you told me Wala pang date and that your bestfriend and his gf will also be riding with you along with other friends of yours. At some point, yeah. Nakakainggit na you get to go to places. Pero that part, I think I have already overcome. I want you to to go to places and not get stuck with me in this four corners. Another thing that I got scared of is that there will be people in there who you would certainly get along with. You might find yourself talking to an amazing woman that has a lot of common things with you. You both love to sports, wants to travel to places, and can ride anywhere you want to. You may start off having simple conversations and without knowing you start thinking that you want me to be like her and eventually end up falling for her. I know this is waayyy to advanced stuff but that's what I'm scared of. Because certainly, in your circle you'll find someone compatible and the thing about that is that..it's okay. I mean it when I said I want you to be happy. And right at this moment, I can imagine you with this amazing girl riding into mountains, going into hikes, taking incredible photos. Living the life.

And you know what? I want you to have that kind of life. Not this one. Not the one that I can give you. So I hope someday if you cannot find me, I hope you understand why I left and believe me when I say that when the time comes that you have that..that you find that person.. I'll move away slowly and this time, I hope you'll stop looking for me.

I love you and it's weird to say but your happiness means more to me now.

[mysollicitusmind]

Birth month is way over. But I feel like I only had time to write today. Whenever I look at people who doesn't have a high paying job, I always end up thinking that how were they able to afford this and that, aren't the saving? Aren't their bills way up? Then I remembered how much I am spending on medical bills and I just stopped counting. I got tired of watching those number go waayyy up Everytime I breakdown or I have an appointment. While some people are busy making their lives great, I'm busy trying to live everyday..and I'm at a point of thinking is it enough? Just to be alive? If I hadn't had this condition, I would have already been able to build my family a great house or donate a thousand bibles and go to missionary adventures. Things wouldn't be as tough as this. Things wouldn't be as bad as this. I don't think I'll ever have a prosperous life like others. Rich kind of life. I'll probably be comfortable and that might be the end of it. Another depressing note for the day. Btw. I turned 30.

[mysollicitusmind]

Some people handle sweets better.

We all have those days when we finish a whole cake or eat a tub of ice cream and felt the annoying voice of: Sugar is bad for you.

Losing weight? Less sugar.

Palpitations? Less sugar

Diabetes? Less sugar.

There are tons of conditions that goes with taking too much sugar. 🙄

So? What's your next move?

#ThisAzeLife

#lesssugar

#sugarfree

#lollipop

#sweettooth

#cravingssatisfied

#communityquarantineday415

https://www.instagram.com/p/COfQ7LahRS1bH72la-2gkJcoOLlAN9r4ToYPkw0/?igshid=h0fhev8ez97r

[mysollicitusmind]

Why would you love me?

I spent most of my life trying to build myself up on other aspects of my life that I can control. Truth. I am a bit psychotic. I overthink, overanalyze, overestimate. I got all the chaos you never thought existed. I always tell people who gets close to me that I'm a complicated person to be with. You think you understand me. You may think you know what my next move is. But, have you ever thought that maybe it is what I want you to believe? I'm a manipulator. You'll never see through me. You may think that you do. Again. Maybe you wanted to see what you want to see. So, if you think that for a second you get me. Think again. You'll never know me. But I got you on my fingertips.

[mysollicitusmind]

A covid-19 first hand experience.

I wasn't feeling well at 7am and we decided to go to MAKATI Med ER. We are aware that most of the hospitals in Metro Manila are on full capacity, we probably hit a lot of hospitals in a span of 4 hours: MMC, St Claire, Manila Med, Manila Doctors, Jose Reyes, PGH and also called a lot more hospitals such as St Luke's BGC, Chinese General Hospital, UERM, Lourdes Hospital and honestly, I can't remember which other hospitals I tried to call where they can accommodate us. The reality of the situation in Philippine hospitals hit me hard when I saw some people on one of those hospitals lining up under the heat. Some even brought their own pillows and blankets so the sick can lay down while they wait for their turn. All of them needed immediate medical attention, suddenly the pain I was feeling become small compared to what I have seen on those trips. Frontliners see these everyday and everyday they try to be there for everyone..it's hard. It's gonna be a long fight but I hope we never give up :)

P.S. I'm all patched up and up and about 😉

#thisazelife

#HospitalsOnFullCapacity

#TruthInPH

#CommunityQuarantineDay406

https://www.instagram.com/p/COFs3P9hDFJZKGEFvxes27iKCrLIh3iu0QjSbw0/?igshid=122sbjnxwkx8x

[mysollicitusmind]

It's another day in the normal world of mine and I'm at the ER once again. I was hoping I'm just imagining everything that I'm feeling so I can just go home and do my usual thing.

[mysollicitusmind]

Sometimes I just need a moment to recalibrate my brain. A moment to just figure out where I am on my journey, where I am at the phase of my life or probably if I'm taking the right directions, trusting the right persons, or just simply let the thoughts run through my head. I need a moment.

Contrary to what others think, at this point. I just want to be alone. I mean, how does it feel like to just be how you were before? Think of yourself and not worry about the future. I just needed to escape all these. To calm myself and calm my spirit. I'm just tired. Like no direction kind of tired. Feels like I'm running and I'm slowly losing the will to go on. I ride with the wave. But I just feel hopeless. I feel like there's no use to all this. No reason to why we wanted to live. I actually hold myself back everyday to think deeply on why I am here coz if I do, I know I'd fell into an endless abyss of thoughts and I don't think I can get myself back after that. So I hold back. I try not to think. I stop. I stare and cry and get back on my feet. But for now, let me curl into a ball. Let me feel the weight of the emotions I have at the moment. Let me die for a moment. I wanna be selfish and just die. I'm again at a cross roads where I pray to God to just take me. It's not that everything is too much it's just that I know the road ahead would only bring pain and disappointment and bringing another person in my life, means I just have another person to drag along with me..to dissapoint, to upset and to be as miserable as me. I'm fine with being miserable. I made my peace with that. But having other people be miserable because of me thats another issue.