everything i didn’t say
a warm sea. naked and enveloped by it. a colder ocean, the toes were the bravest part of my body then. earlier an iguana and mangoes. my grandpa and his new wife. coconuts. riding on the back of that motorcycle with the man with leathery skin and breath like booze. getting perpetually lost in the dark. never knowing the right thing to say. a jungle adventure. roti & curry. rum and passionfruit. the beach the concert, the fire spinning and the dancers. seeing clear to the of the water. staying in the car on the road for far, far too many hours. the tour. denver. making new friends and having a new perspective. connecting. music in the grass. skateboarding. guitar. grass. sanfran and oakland. falling in love with the pacific northwest. then the beach house. nearly drowning. being saved by a fisherman and losing thousands worth in camera equipment. feeling cursed. being blessed. everyone loving my music and my pride causing a temporary blindness. stupid decisions. better decisions. a lot of gatorade. going out for turtle races at the bar. not coming home. meeting that crazy fetish community and throwing up on a strangers doorstep. donuts and attempting second first impressions. leaving and going home again. and back again. the crotchety old neighbor downstairs and the police. living in calabasas <- spanish for pumpkin. seeing howie mandel there. forgetting to say thank you. older folks with crazy stories and cleaning up the barf of a dog who didn’t like me.climbing mountains everyday. giving up. persevering. needing water. halloween. finding my male twin. cleopatra’s son i suppose. same headdress as me. awkward jello shots. awkward photos. going home again. ferguson. fire. smoke. tear gas. masks. birthday. thanksgiving. christmas. family time. new years, new york! an older aunt hosting younger people. meeting an online friend. karaoke. staying out late. booking a hotel for the wrong night. waiting for the train station to open along with half of manhattan. arriving too late. being locked out. breaking in. sleeping. going out for thai food. scary phone call diverted to darren. convincing my aunt that we aren’t delinquents.staying in a crappy expensive hotel overnight. going to her place. moving out. loving new york. loving our friends. flying back to la. living in a house with roommates. loving it. leaving again. seeing the universe in the night sky. leaving my purse by that river behind the dairy queen an hour behind. finding it again thanks to the adventurous kid. a gondola up the snowiest mountain. the cabin. the hot chocolate. the fire. the ice. the snow. meeting up with medium friends again. music, late night. food. promises to meet again. calm. peaceful. anxious and then living at home again. feeling sad. starting over. God finding me again. feeling new. heading back again, and packing everything this time.