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Thought tracking, dbt, 8-17, 10am
Why do I deserve attention and affection? There seems to be no reason beyond, you just do. Why does existing give me the right to be cared for? The neutral state is alone. Adding people is extra, therefore attention and affection are extra.
Thought tracking, dbt, 8/11 6pm
if i cut again, I have to go to outpatient. That’s the deal. But I hate who I am right now because I’m not cutting. I’m lashing out at everyone and venting at bad times and I’m just generally a person I hate. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry that I tried to die. I’m angry that I tried to do that to everyone. I’m angry at how everyone treats me after and how fake I have to act for them to leave me alone. I’m angry it didn’t work. I’m angry that I didn’t make it. I’m angry that I couldn’t have picked a method that was more likely to actually kill me. I hate that my body is so selectively resilient. I can have all manner of accidents and aches and injuries, but when I actually TRY to kill myself I can’t do enough damage to even lose consciousness. I fail at everything. I literally failed at dying. I should have combined mroe things at once. Maybe it would have worked. Then at least I wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath. This is why I never really tried before. Part of it. I knew the cleanup would be terrible whether I succeeded or not. At least if I didn’t I wouldn’t have to be here to deal with it. I guess that’s kind of the lazy way out though. I fucking hate this. Why can’t i just be ok? like really ok.
Thought tracking, dbt, 8/3 2:16
Woody hasn’t texted or messaged me today, so obviously he’s mad at me. I know he’s working but he probably is frustrated that I stayed so late yesterday and then texted him while he was sorting cards for his magic tournament. I know it’s stupid and irrational.
Andrea hasn’t sent me the assignment she was talking about yet, so she’s probably annoyed with me for using up her time when I thought I left my earbuds in the chair and they were in the bottom of my bag.
And ACTION! Working with freeze-frames is a very accessible drama strategy, suitable for those new to drama as well as old hands. It is only a small step to move from still images into improvisation – just follow these simple steps. 1 Start with a still image created by a group. 2 Use thought tracking …
So I recently caught up with some friends I hadn't seen in a year or so, and we got to talking about gender (both of them had also recently had changes in that respect), and then one of them followed up with me the next morning, and I realized that conversation doubled as a pretty solid "where I am right now". So if for some reason you're curious about that, see below.
John: so I'm realizing I wish I'd listened more and talked less during our gender conversation Belial: I feel like I end up wishing that about most conversations. My impulse is always to talk more, and then regret it afterward. John: would you be willing to tell me a bit more about where you are and how you got there? Belial: Sure, but it's kindof devoid of big realizations. Or rather, there were probably big realizations involved but I tend not to notice them when I'm having them, I just notice the fallout. John: lol fair enough Belial: So yeah. The short answer is that I never identified super strongly with maleness. If you'd asked me any time in the last five or six years if I'd rather be a man or a woman I'd pretty reliably answer "Woman, but not strongly enough to do anything about it" John: Okay Belial: So having that answer in the back of my head meant I was always kindof aware that I was only a "man" because that was what people were defaulting to based on my appearance, and because I didn't feel strongly enough about any other option to want to fight them on it. Belial: And then I started hanging around places where I was with...a much higher percentage of agender or nonbinary folks. Belial: And after a while going with "he" started to feel more like a positive assertion I was making than the path of least resistance it had always been. Belial: And the more it felt like an assertion, the less I really felt comfortable making it. Belial: And then in january someone essentially put a multiple choice in front of me, and choosing "He" when I had other equally-weighted options felt gross. So I chose "they" because it felt more right. John: all that....makes complete sense to me John: some of it is more analogous to my own experiences than other bits, but still. John: I kind of envy you the opt-in setting you've found Belial: It's a very small bubble, and I'm still new enough to this particular gender shift that I'm not sure how it's going to survive outside that bubble, but it's comfy. John: that makes sense. hopefully you'll have settled into it before you collide with the outside world too much. Belial: Indeed.
I've recently realised that I'm not suicidal anymore like I don't want to die right now anD ITS ODDLY TERRIFYING Like who am I without being really sad idk but I want to learn how to have fun again
my boyfriend is so fucking great we're going to eat bulk healthy toasted sandwiches from my work and get drunk on vodka jelly and cuddle tonight at my house bc we both had shit days My bae > urs
work is awful I'm sick of myself and my team mates being put down all the time I can't wait to go home and see bae Life is so stressfulllllllllll
